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-   -   Exploration of feelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42491)

GamerGirl1984 03-12-2013 06:26 AM

Exploration of feelings
So, I should start by saying that I am rather new to a polyamorous relationship. It's only been about three months in, and it seems to be going well thus far. My husband is doing remarkably well with it.

That said, I have been seeing the same guy for the past almost three months; he was the one who gave me courage enough to request my new open marriage status. I worked quite closely with him for a year, actually, until movements happened, and we were both surprised to find that a mutual attraction was there once we were no longer working together.

It's a little rocky -- he has a girlfriend, as well, and is also new to polyamory, and he is a very busy man. When this whole thing started, we agreed that we were going to keep it no strings, no feelings involved, and that it will not be a permanent thing. Just fun and friendship. I am completely okay with that, don't get me wrong! I am very happy with my status with him, and recently shedding my stressful job has made me even more content, as there is far less chaos involved in scheduling time with him.

That said, I find myself having feelings for him. Nothing like I've ever had before. I don't want him all to myself (though more frequently would be pleasant), and I don't want anything about our current situation to change. Now, after only three months it is possibly just lust grabbing hold of me, but it feels a little bit like love (though not the kind of love that either of us has to worry about in respect to our current relationships).

The bluntest way I have of describing it is that I love everything about him, I love spending time with him, and I hope that whenever we do part ways, it will be amicably, though I will certainly be extremely sad if/when that time does come regardless of how it happens. I don't want him to drop everything in his life to be with me, I don't feel a need to run away with him, I simply enjoy basking in his presence every chance I can.

I haven't told him any of this, for fear that he will push me away. I also don't really know if he feels the same. Sometimes I feel that he is looking at this with a much more detached view than I am; then he will go and express mild jealousy when I mention that I am potentially interested in another guy. He can be horribly sweet, and he is probably one of the most selfless partners I have had when it comes to bed time.

I wish I COULD tell him, but I am rather terrified of any repercussions that doing so could potentially have. I would almost rather hide my feelings and keep him, than admit them and lose him.

So, I turn to you fine people here at this wonderful forum. Any advice for this particular situation? To be honest, I am simply happy to have a place in which to talk about this new chapter of my life.

LovingRadiance 03-13-2013 02:11 AM

Not sure what you are asking.
Open relationships can take many forms.
Polyamory is one form-which is loving more than one.

GamerGirl1984 03-13-2013 03:29 AM

I apologize, I should have been a bit more concise. Essentially, my paramore and I agreed on no feelings when we started our fling. Three months later, I have feelings, though not the kind that I believe both of us were worried about upon making said agreement. I want to tell him as much, but I am worried that doing so would bring things to a close, which I do not want to happen -- not yet, at least.

I don't know if I should bring how I feel to his attention or not, is what it mostly boils down to.

GalaGirl 03-13-2013 05:50 AM

Does your agreement with him include the expectation of updating him should things change as you become aware of it?
  • "I can no longer meet the original agreement of no fond feelings at all. I have developed fond feelings for you. I still do not expect any long term committment. Just keeping you in the loop."

Or does your agreement with him include the expectation of withholding any/all emotional information about things that could concern him? (ie: his relationship with you)

What agreements do you keep with yourself in your relationshipping? So you can stay true to you?

Just food for thought. You will choose what you feel is best for you.

Me? I don't think there's anything wrong in telling a FWB -- "I enjoy spending time with you and I enjoy being around you. I like you."


LotusesandRoses 03-13-2013 06:13 AM

I agree with GG. If you're sleeping with someone, you're going to like them and have fond feelings. Your brain produces lovely, powerful hormones that make you go, "Wowza, this person makes me feel good, and they're pretty groovy." Congrats; you're normal.

If this is a guy who can't take a simple pat on the hand with a, "Hey, I think you're a really great guy, and I care about you," then he's possibly not the right guy for you, or for polyamory.

GamerGirl1984 03-13-2013 03:33 PM

Thank you both for your insight! It really does help me feel a little better about the feelings that I have for him. :) I will probably use GalaGirl's advice whenever I do decide to speak to him. A lot of it is getting over my own nerves.

And if he doesn't handle it well, he probably isn't the right fella for me.

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