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-   -   New from Chicagoland area, needs advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4247)

Erin 11-18-2010 07:37 AM

New from Chicagoland area, needs advice!
Hi all -

I'm from the Chicagoland area, in my early 30s, bisexual and have been married to a man for almost 10 years. I think I have always been polyamorous but didn't know it had a name until recently. I hope to meet new people here, preferably from the Chicagoland area (future events?), and get advice from those around the country/world.

I havent come out to my husband yet as he is obnoxiously traditional. I dont know how to approach the subject. How did you work through your struggles? I fear admitting my desires will land me a divorce. I'm not kidding. I'd like to know what you did to survive.

Deeply isolated with confusion,

redpepper 11-18-2010 07:28 PM

The threat of his being so not into it is very real for a lot of married couples. Eventually you will have to decide to tell him, I suggest you do that before getting involved in the poly community as you could find someone interesting and fall into a situation that makes you lose your integrity.

Integrity is very important, as is respect, honesty and empathy. You don't sound like you have built on these foundations yet and that will lead you to unwanted trouble I think.

I suggest you gets some book (check the book reccomendstions sticky) and begin reading them. He could notice this and ask what they are. You could talk about this site too or other things you find on line. That could be a segway into asking him what he thinks..if he says its bullshit, that is where you get to say, "actually, it makes sense to me and here's why."

Starting with questions is sometimes easier than coming out...

Erin 11-20-2010 05:44 PM

He knows
Okay, so we talked for the last two nights about what I want. He won't have it. He thought I cheated on him already, so he retorted that I've gained too much weight. This was like a blow to my heart because my dad's side is overweight. In the last 10 years with my husband, I've gone from a size 10 to a size 12, but I've also gained a BA and MA in Education. What a jerk!! He didn't regret what he said until the 3rd hr of talking last night. This sets me back months because now I won't feel comfortable showing him my body until I'm "in shape" again. Here I thought I was going to get MORE sex, but now the sex is dead until I improve. What a crock of ...

He absolutely hates the idea of me being bisexual. I told him after 3 months of dating and he almost broke up with me. I tucked away my feelings so I could be with him. But now I feel they can't be hidden anymore. What I really want more is to date other men. He also refuses to discuss the idea of exploring polyamorist options for either of us. So, here's the outcome of last night's 3 hr discussion.

1) I need to lose weight
2) He will take a better interest in my sexual needs
3) If both improve, then we will try for a child next fall
4) If 1 or 2 don't improve, then we'll divorce and I'll move to Florida as planned.

So, now I will be:
1) Exercising to please my husband
2) Not be allowed to explore my sexuality with others

I feel as if I've gone mad accepting these terms. :(

redpepper 11-20-2010 06:30 PM

Well that's ashame. How's this for three nights work; he's done cause he's an ass hole that doesn't love and appreciate you.

Seriously, I had a boyfriend who I was monogamous with for 3 years and he told me if I ever got as fat as a friend of ours he would leave me. It took a year, but in that year that thought widdled away at me and I cheated on him, stopped having sex with him and ended up having absolutely no respect for him at all. I hurt him pretty bad, and by the end he was begging me to stay. I ended up playing around with our roommate, and he threw all my stuff out on the lawn when I was away. People stole a whole bunch of my paintings.

If I had gone with my gut much earlier and realized that I was done. Things would of not looked like it was me who was the ass hole. I wanted compassion, understanding, undying love and acceptance, someone who would stand by me when I am at my lowest. Someone who would love me up no matter what I turn out to look like.

He's not worth it. Really he isn't. We all grow old and get fat. If he is going to judge you now? Then you will both be miserable.

Another note; don't buy into the "if I lose weight he will love me" bullshit. Women are fed such crocks of shit. My partners love me regardless and I stay healthy for me.

Erin 11-20-2010 09:35 PM

My last posting makes me sound silly. I am an educated woman stuck in a exhausted marriage that should've ended a long time ago, but the housing market prevents us from selling the house. Sadly, we both know it. I know if things were different, I would've broke it off years ago. I'd be living in a relative's basement if this ends - uggh. I need to start seriously saving.

Fed up, the joke is on him. I'm going out to the club tonight with my girlfriends. Ha!

Magdlyn 11-20-2010 10:11 PM

Erin, your story resonates with me right down to the ground. I am older than you, 55, and now divorcing a man who is so similar to yours! A straight vanilla white man.

He knew I was bi from the start but didn't accept it for 20 years! He used to say stupid things like, "What are you? A fucking lesbian?" Um, no, how could I be a lesbian when I was so obviously also attracted to men? Finally he did accept my bi nature. We also opened our marriage at that time, and tried things with a unicorn. But that didnt work out, as she was actually only attracted to him and was more of what I now know as a "cowgirl," interested in taking him away from me.

We attempted poly for those 10 years, in theory more than in practice. We had 3 young children and I really had no interest in seeing others, as I was too busy raising and homeschooling our kids. Our sex life amazingly improved as our love grew less, which was weird.

Finally for that and other reasons, we split. I am so much happier now, even tho my financial situation is less comfortable. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman and she and I are both bi and see others, mostly men. I hope you can spare yourself the pain and get out now. I take it you don't have children? That makes things much less complicated.

The weight comment is also a really low blow. Going from a size 10 to a 12 is what? A 10 lb weight gain? For goodness' sakes. What a douchenozzle.

NeonKaos 11-20-2010 10:32 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 53232)

Another note; don't buy into the "if I lose weight he will love me" bullshit. Women are fed such crocks of shit. My partners love me regardless and I stay healthy for me.

Two words come to mind after reading your posts (not redpepper's, the OP's):



Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 53254)

The weight comment is also a really low blow. Going from a size 10 to a 12 is what? A 10 lb weight gain? For goodness' sakes. What a douchenozzle.

I was a size 12 when I met my husband and I'm a 16-18 now. My husband is still attracted to me and I don't FEEL fat, either. Yes I would like it if 50 pounds just went away, but I don't worry about my body-image.

If he thinks you're fat now, what will he think if you "try for a child" and gain a lot of weight from that?

Fidelia 11-21-2010 01:41 AM

Okay. There is just SO MUCH to say about this situation, I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just throw out some thoughts.

First off, please please PLEASE do not bring a child into this situation. If you and your husband decide to work all these huge issues out and work together to create a stable, happy home, that's one thing. But it is so unfair to bring a child into a home where the members make one another miserable. Seriously, please do not inflict that kind of damage on an innocent child.

Next, the fact that your husband took a cheap shot at your weight shows he fights dirty. That's poor form, shows poor character and a lack of love and respect for you. The fact that such a cheap shot hit a nerve shows that you have work to do on your self-esteem.

And before we go further into THAT, let me say my father's family also has a tendency toward being overweight. And I am so very much my father's daughter, both for better and for worse. So I feel your pain on that front. Very much so. In fact, I think I'll start a thread on the topic. But in dealing with the issues before you, you and you alone must deal with your SELF-esteem and SELF-image.

One final thought: when my brother and his wife of almost 20 years divorced, they shared the house until they could sell it. Took almost two years. Yes, there was some wailing and gnashing of teeth on both sides, but they're both smart, strong people and they worked through it and in the end they came out the other side as friends. Now they have a much healthier relationship than most ex-spouses.

vodkafan 11-21-2010 02:43 AM


Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 53254)

vanilla white man. unicorn. "cowgirl," douchenozzle.

I have learned such brilliant new words since I been here. Seriously I love it. :D

Magdlyn 11-21-2010 01:44 PM

Grrr! The whole losing weight thing really chaps my ass! He wants you to exercise and get down one dress size, then he'll deign to fuck you and knock you up? What's he gonna think when you're pregnant with swollen breasts, swollen ankles and huge belly? What's he gonna be like when you're post partum, leaking milk, with stretch marks here and there, and loose skin on your belly?

At least my ex liked my body no matter what size I was. In fact he used to praise me for giving him 2 women, the slender small breasted maiden figure I had for the first 10 yrs, and the full breasted, full bellied goddess figure I developed after kids came along.

Run! Get out while you can!

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