I have some difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings clearly sometimes. they come out; I share. But they all tend to come out in complicated webs or uneven globs. It's counterintuitive to explaining things to other people. I'm hoping to work on that here. If nothing else, I will accomplish sharing my insanity with random strangers on the internet.
Right now I'm in a tangled mess of myself. I'm struggling just to exist, emphasis on struggling. Fighting, thrashing, writhing, in frequent futility. When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be. However that might be counterproductive. I'm not entirely sure of what's really going on, or if I'm ready to stare it in the face.
Most times I have to justify feeling anything to myself. If the reasoning isn't there, the thought disappears. More concrete reasoning leads to deeply entrenched viewpoints. I suppose that's the double edged sword of logic. Infallibly and inflexibly correct in all things, sometimes. So much gets edited out and the insubstantial finds its body in the meaninglessness of overpondering. These are habits Company is trying to redirect into more constructive avenues of self analysis and expression.
I just want to be close to people right now. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, something special. I'm tired of coming up with all the reasons it's not worth it, or why I'm not worth it. I'd rather feel something unbridled and powerful, even if it bears the risk of attachment, of rejection even.
So how do I let go of this and execute that? (I say to myself and the internet)
no one ever likes my answer when I reply to that question.
so for now-I'll avoid doing so.
Welcome to the board.
My DH is struggling with similar emotions at the moment. It's heartbreaking to watch.
I'm going to try to respond to this, but I'm pretty out there so you'll have to bear with me.. ;)
I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I feel like I've been in a similar mess before. I can share what has helped me get out of it. I think that a slight shift in view point can change everything.
You said; " When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be."
It seems crazy and it may not be satisfying to you, but I would suggest not trying to get out of it. The reason most people suffer is because they so desperately want to stop suffering. Instead, enjoy your worries now because you may never have them again. And that's not meant to be a joke, lol. Sit with you're conflict, accept it and really get a look at. Then when you feel that it is self indulgent accept that too. See this is as the drama of your life, this is the conflict in the story of you. There has never been a story with no conflict whatsoever. If there was it would be a really boring story. Usually what happens if you can do this is that the suffering evaporates... but that can't be your intention. Your intention must be to accept the conflict completely, forever. The more closely you can accept and observe the threads of the knot the more it will untie. Conflict is entertaining, and if you can figure out a way to see some humor in your situation then all the better... Isn't it funny how humans get all messed up like we do. Sometimes I wish I was just a tree or something, lol.
You might also want to just try changing your environment. ;D
"This is great advice if you're a person who feeds off of excitement and thrives on unpredictability. Not everyone wants that kind of existence. Personally, I prefer things to be boring and predictable because I do not bode well with "accepting conflict completely, forever"."
You have a very interesting name for someone who likes things boring and predictable, lol.
But, I don't think it comes down to excitement or boredom. Suffering is just a form of desire and its sort of counter intuitive but the true purpose of desire is to annihilate itself. Normally it tries to annihilate itself by getting you to engage in some action. For example when you're hungry you have a desire that tries to get you to eat. As you eat your desire to eat ceases to exist. And so the purpose of the desire is fulfilled. It motivates us to act and by acting it disappears... But there is another way for your desire to evaporate and that is if you completely accept your desire. As soon as you completely accept it, it instantly disappears. Don't take my word for it, try it yourself. That is if you feel the need to. But remember you can't do it with the motivation to stop desiring.
This method can be helpful if you are stuck in a knot and no actions will make the desire go away.
Then I must have accepted my suffering it because I don't feel that I'm a slave to "desire".
So, if I accept that I'm hungry, I won't have to eat? I doubt it. Somehow I don't think giving up eating is going to make me suffer less.
No one is a slave to desire. It simply exists or it doesn't. If you completely accept your hunger it will disappear (temporarily at least). But that doesn't mean you don't have to eat. It just means that the hunger has gone away. ;) Of course there wouldn't be much purpose to do this with hunger. That was only an example. It's mostly useful in situations where you feel trapped and there doesn't seem to be anything you can do to stop suffering.... like the situation Company seems to be describing.
Also I'm not suggesting an embrace or embellishment of desire... merely an acceptance of it. A focused acceptance where you sit down and feel it and accept that you feel it and are fine with it being there.
This is just a suggestion of what helps me.. if you find its not for you then forget about it.
@LovingRadiance: Yeah, this is pretty heartbreaking to watch.
Company, I love you no matter what. I want you to take all the time you need to figure your stuff out and come back when you're ready. We'll all still be waiting. <3
DoubleZero and NeonKaos both make interesting points. Sometimes I desire to be boring and predictable. It could be said that I desire a lack of desire, which I would describe as placidity or tranquility. There's an observable cycle of stress and release with all of my emotions, and sometimes my desire is simply to escape from the tedium and act from a place of strength, fueled by non-emotional willingness.
"I said I would act, therefore I will."
Unfortunately this doesn't always suit me for very long. Emotions serve me very well as a spiritual thermometer; I can check in with them to see how I'm doing from day to day. Some emotions are more unpleasant than others, some are downright painful, but (occasionally with a touch of masochism) I still find ways to enjoy them as indicators. For instance,
"Oh now I'm angry. Well that's good because now I know that something has changed."
I try not to feel any way that doesn't serve me in getting what I really want. Staying angry only helps me if I've got to really push myself or someone else to do something. It's a generally nasty way to feel. Sometimes happiness doesn't suit me perfectly either as far as communication goes. Sometimes, I have to separate how I feel and what I say to get my point across.
It's a perfect and pure exercise in driving oneself insane.
Immediately I'm moving past the knot if only to avoid over analyzing it to the point where it dissolves a large portion of myself into sand. So good work guys, collectively we accomplished... something?
I presently have other things on my mind. My primary and I are engaged in a long string of fights that stem from a lack of trust 'when push comes to shove'. We've both made bad decisions in the past that have led to problems with credibility, and it takes a lot of reassurance before we can acknowledge the amends we've each made to repair those damages. The strain is causing a lot of tension between the other couples in our septagon and us.
Meanwhile, another couple (whom I have very deep and intense feelings for both of) are engaged in a similar conflict, with the reasoning behind it less clear to me. For all they disapprove of Marius (my primary) and I's strife, it grates on me that they let themselves fall into the same cycle. I want to help, but with all the tension it's difficult for me to find a way through. I'm not sure whether or not to barge in, let things be, or run through the room naked and screaming about how the bloody British are coming. The fighting we all do, in addition to being fighting and generally bad, detracts from the positive time we can all spend together. I find the disappearance of the commodity very frustrating.
Also, I hate mac n cheese. Yet, I sit here, eating it right now.
So my septagon is now a pentagon. I'm very. . .disturbed. It's hard to pinpoint emotion at this particular time. I'm definitely disappointed, possibly betrayed. "There is no time for pain, no energy for anger. The sightlessness of hatred slips away." Still, I put my trust in two people, formed an attachment with them and told them what it meant to me, that I was afraid of the leap and of losing them if I chose to try and hold on.
I keep thinking in my head,
"I fucking warned you."
Vegeta's primary, Ariel, has been more and more terse with me lately. Incredibly overprotective with Vegeta, shutting me out of her life. I've tried respecting her wishes even to the point where I've upset other people including Vegeta to placate Ariel.
Today Ariel decided that despite it being her idea to draw me and everyone else into this relationship, she can't handle the demand placed on her by everyone else and needs to be with just Vegeta.
This would be upsetting, but acceptable, if she hadn't told me she felt (and acknowledged that it is irrational) her relationship with Vegeta is threatened by me even if we weren't in this polyamorous relationship.
To be concise (and cut out the maliciousness that's snaking through me), having any kind of relationship between Vegeta and anyone, especially me, is clearly a problem for Ariel. It's driving me crazy. It's driving me crazy.
Vegeta made it clear that she wants to do the right thing for her relationship with Ariel and take a step back for a while, even if it will hurt her to pull away from everyone else. Again if any of this meant what it would at face value, I would applaud her decision to focus on her primary relationship, and hope that I could support her as a friend and have a functioning relationship with both of them even if it took time and effort.
It looks much more likely to me, knowing the intricacies of the insecurities and passive aggressiveness hanging low in the air, that any connection I have with either of them will just evaporate. If nothing else, it's the helplessness and dislocation that has me furious.
Even in spite of every tiny little speed bump Ariel and I have hit, how can she not see that I love and respect her? Does she not have any consideration for what the bond between Vegeta and I means to us both? Is having a relationship with me, my wife, or any of our other three polyfuckers not worth fighting for?
She won't answer me. She can't. She doesn't know how to. And Vegeta, bless her heart, is too damn loyal (in a strange and deceitful sense of the word) to Ariel to tell me how she really feels in front of her.
But Ariel wants me to believe that Vegeta doesn't want this relationship for the same reason.
Ariel wants to believe that Vegeta doesn't want this relationship for the same reason:
She wants undeniable and exclusive access to Vegeta's heart.
I still have people who love me and care about me, one of them a beautiful wife who especially lately, has done so much to improve our relationship in spite of the hardship we're facing.
Vegeta just lost her father, and now at least in one important way she's losing us. Ariel is trying to separate Vegeta, even if only because she loves her. Somehow I just know they're going to strangle each other to death.
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