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-   -   Sticky Situation - watching your girlfriend and your boyfriend fight (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4244)

darksilence 11-17-2010 11:30 PM

Sticky Situation - watching your girlfriend and your boyfriend fight
hi everyone!

i'm not really new to poly, however this is probably the first time i've been through this experience. i'm currently in a MFF triad relationship that i've been in for about six months now. i'd like to say we're still in the NRE stage but though i've been poly for a long time, this is my partners' first try and there has been a lot of growing and talking required to get us where we are today. we're currently going at the speed our slowest link requires which is fine. my girlfriend, though she wants to be in a triad, is finding it difficult to share physically although not emotionally so currently - my boyfriend and i dont really get any solo time together unless in a public space and p in the v sex is off the menu. which is fine and not a problem, i just want to be clear about our current situation.

unfortunately, over the last two weeks, the relationship between my two partners has become very rocky and they have been fighting quite a bit. i feel guilty, like its my fault, even though what they are fighting over has nothing to do with me. its mostly to do with money and her struggling to find a job now that she's out of uni. i'm finding the situation highly distressing and i find myself wanting to play the peacemaker even though i know i probably shouldn't. i also find myself feeling a lot of emotions that echo the emotions i felt when my parents divorced when i was 6. i'm trying to be aware of whats going on with me so i avoid adding problems to an already difficult situation.

my question is this - has anyone ever been in a similar situation? how can i be there for both of them without taking sides? how do i deal with things if they break up? to be honest, i'm going though some pretty hairy health issues of my own at the moment and i'm finding the stress of this is adding to the stress i'm already dealing with.

i'm not looking for a silver bullet answer, just getting some suggestions and knowing i'm not alone would really help a lot. sorry to be a pest... and sorry if i've babbled too much or not given enough information.


redpepper 11-18-2010 12:06 AM

I personally believe its not my place to get involved with my lovers issues unless its to do with me. Mono is super good at that. I am just learning. Its hard to have to hear about it and I realize that venting to me is good, but I struggle to keep my opinions to myself. I decided, with the help of a friend, to not invest in the drama unless I get to a place where its a make or break deal. Then I will have to say why and it will all have to come out before the relationship ends.

With your situation I think I would remove myself and look after my best primary; me. It sounds like you have some major things come up and they should be looked at before hearing anything more about what is going on for them. Some boundary setting around what you want to hear in their presence would be completely fair I think.

polyshyguy 11-18-2010 02:57 AM

darksilence, unlike you I AM new to poly, so take my advice for what you feel it's worth.
I would agree with redpepper in that it's probably safest to keep your distance unless they directly involve you. You care for both of them and certainly if they come to you for emotional support you can't just turn them away, but if necessary make it clear you don't want to play favorites. And make sure to let them know the relationship, theirs, yours, and everyone's involved, is important to you. If they realize how much you care, they'll realize you have the best interest of the group at heart.

eklctc 11-18-2010 03:23 AM

Redpepper has spoken. :D

I hope it works out for you, ds.

redpepper 11-18-2010 05:00 AM


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 52981)
Redpepper has spoken. :D

I hope it works out for you, ds.

Ha! Hilarious :D

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