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-   -   big decisions! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4242)

verydogmother 11-17-2010 04:56 PM

big decisions!
Hi everyone,

i've been a poly(wog?) for 3 months. Quite a roller-coaster! I could use some advice. you might find my story jaw-dropping: i do!
It started when a female friend of 2 years told me that IF she ever had a female lover, it would be me. I already loved her so i was so happy - didn' hear the 'if' part. She told me that eventually her husband would want to join us. I thought she meant, like in 3 months or something. No, she meant like in 3 hours... But I was okay with that. Thrilled to be with her, okay to be with him...

Immeditely it turned out that she and I were very sweet together, sexually, but he and I were like *fireworks*. I love both ways. We have made love me with her, me with him, and all three of us together, for the 3 months we've been together. Lucky me!

I live 3 hours away so I see them every 2nd weekend. By and by several things happened; she was jealous of his NRE for me; she travelled far away, twice, and became sexually involved with an old flame (male) - she has NRE for me; maybe becaue of jealousy or maybe just because of me, her feelings for me changed. She's not sure she wants to see me any more and, since she is ambivalent about me, I feel the same about her. (Friendship mostly intact). He still wants to see me asap. I did not to agree to a V formation. i miss her. I don't know how I can see him without hurtng her. So I seek your advice on this - do I see just him? I want to go bacl to a trio but she says she can't. And she has/had 3 of us at the same time.

MEANWHILE I have a great opp to move intot he hosue beside them for 2 years. He: probably thrilled beyond belief. She: feels like I am invading? But it is a great opp for me at this point in my life. Do i turn it down just because I slept with them (at their invitation) and it is a bit wobbly right now?

I lvoe them both and must preserve our friendship/previous relationship. (We are involved in important community work together). Thank you!

MonoVCPHG 11-17-2010 05:46 PM


Originally Posted by verydogmother (Post 52896)
She: feels like I am invading? But it is a great opp for me at this point in my life.
Thank you!

Why the question mark? Reverse the situation. Of course she would feel very uncomfortable with this. Is there no other place to move, this just sounds very convenint from an outside perspective..NRE makes us see things differently and have an often total lack of empathy for the emotions of others.

I feel for your situation and hope everything works out.

verydogmother 11-17-2010 07:27 PM

big decisions
Well, the thing is...
I had a good-will adventure with 2 friends, at their invitation; did my best to be honourable and respectful; it only lasted for 3 months; and now because of that I can't move to a great place/take a great opportunity that is way bigger for my life than this relationship (as big as it was)?? I have the chance to live there for 2 years.
BTW I made a typo in my first post. She had NRE for him, the guy far away, not for me. Sorry 'bout the confusion.

DaylightStirring 11-17-2010 07:58 PM

jaw dropping- :D is a good way to look at it! It sounds like there was some great experiences. But I'm not clear on what you want from it...since things have changed in your relationship. What is more important maintaining the friendship or pursuing a continued V?

Can you slow down? Do you have to make this decision now? Sometimes, with a little patience the best answer will present itself.

redpepper 11-17-2010 11:04 PM

There is nothing wrong with a Vee I think. Often triads turn into Vee's. It's not likely everyones feelings stay the same for one another or grow evenly in triads and its a common occurance to have the pace between partners travel at different times.

I would not suggest moving closer. It does seem like its invasive and too close considering the circumstance. It seems pushy and self centred to me. I think this opportunity if not yours really if you want to be respectful and stay friends with them.

It sounds like all of you need to discuss where to go from here; boundary setting, some honest, open and respectful communication and some compassion from eveyone could go along way.

I would also suggest doing a search on here for *triads* and *vees* could be useful. There are a lot of good threads others have written along the way on just this type of dynamic.

verydogmother 11-18-2010 04:28 PM

Big decisons
Thanks everyone.

Yes, will slow it down.
Damn, wish I hadn't done this. :(


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