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-   -   I am heartbroken! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4241)

yul 11-17-2010 03:46 PM

I am heartbroken!
 
OK, so my first attempt at poly was not a success.
Please read my previous post...

Although I never cheated and was honest from the start, this attempt went nowhere.

My approach may have been blunt and brutal but given the circumstances, I could not see any other options to get my message out.
We had a tumultuous period at that time and did my best.

I thought my SO would be open but she is clearly in total fear of losing me at this point.

I am sure she will finally understand at some point since we are very open minded in general but in the meantime...

She says she does not want an open couple...I don't either. I only want Miss 2nd in my life. She can also have someone special in hers if she wants. Is this coherent??

The lies and deceit of Miss 2nd are not that bad considering that we played with her feelings and her head.
Yes she is maried but it is a consensual agreement.

My SO was OK with the idea in the beginning but backed off very quickly making everybody really pissed.

She does talk every now and then of allowing me to meet with Miss 2nd eventually but pospones it indefinitely when she realizes I am really feelling for Miss 2nd. This is making me nuts.
This has been the case from the very beginning.

I have broken all forms of communication with Miss2nd and am following the guidelines this time. We left it off on a very bad note. Miss 2nd is perhaps hating me and never wanting to talk to me ever.

I am just heartbroken. I am not a sexual predator and only wanted Miss 2nd in my life, nothing else.

Every day, I can only think of the loss.

I still love (and live with) my SO so I can say I am lucky I guess.

redpepper 11-17-2010 10:18 PM

The first time round with s poly relationship can be a rough ride, that is why those of us who have been around the block have so many thoughts on what works; because the pain of it not working is hard and it all seems like its pointless to try. It isn't pointless and it does work, it just takes practice and considering what others tell/advice you about their personal journey; because they are wise due to experience.

No biggy, I would think that you learned something and can move on in time with more caution, more willingness to be patient, more adequate pacing for all and more control of emotions. Not to mention checking in with yourself and others more quickly, checking out what is NRE induced actions and feelings and what is realistic.

All a learning experience. Sorry you are hurting. Time will help I'm sure, be patient, you have no idea what is around the corner.

SourGirl 11-17-2010 11:00 PM

I really feel for you. The pain of the learning curve can be a very harsh thing to feel.

Thats the thing with poly that I don`t think can be said enough,....

Even if you do everything right.
Even if you are open, honest, and follow all the proper procedures,...
Even if you don`t get wrapped up in NRE, even if you and a partner go into it together....

There will still be many bumps in the road. Including heartaches.

It takes intestinal fortitude to keep learning, and to keep trying to find that balance which makes it beautiful.
---

'Perserverance' is a understatement.

Passport 11-17-2010 11:26 PM

Someone on here said that your first poly experience is a beautiful disaster (or something to that effect).

Look at it, when the pain is not overwhelming you, and see what you can learn from it.

(((HUGS)))

eklctc 11-18-2010 03:25 AM

*hugs*

Ariakas 11-18-2010 05:21 AM

Sometimes it takes mini steps, backtracks and even reboots (I am a geek what do you want)...in the end (here comes a cliche) there are other fish in the sea and as you progress everyone involved will ideally get more comfortable and confident.

Sometimes its takes a few tries to make it work, not everyone is meant to be with their firsts. :)

I think sometimes people forget when they dated, how many girls did you date before you found the one. Add the complication of a wife and it might put it into perspective. Poly is complicated and doesn't always work. As heartbreaking as that sounds....its just reality.

Best of luck with the continued journey. :)

Livingmybestlife 11-18-2010 06:39 AM

I am sad for you. However, I don't think if I were your SO, I would be comfortable with Miss 2nd the cowgirl ever.

gomugirl1656 11-18-2010 04:09 PM

Yul, I am sorry you are hurting and frustrated. Hang in there. We had two epic fails before we got where we are now. We did lots of research, kept our current relationship stable by being loving and communicative and at some point we were healed enough to try again with someone new. There is never really a moment where we arrive and things are suddenly without challenge we just get more adept at coping, resolution, and forward motion. You guys will find the right path for you. We handle it like improv jazz. We have confidence in our own ability, stay flexible,work as a team, watch for the changes and above all enjoy the experience. Acceptance often comes with repeated reassurance as we are exposed to varying forms of the same stimulus. Just don't give up.

yul 11-22-2010 02:45 PM

I am still aching!

I have allowed myself to fall for this woman telling myself she was married and that nothing too serious that could happen (my intentions anyways).

I am even willing to leave sex behind. How can this be so bad??

My SO also made mistakes by actually setting up a date with her and then changed her mind many times and this was hurtful too no?

Yes Cowgirl wasbad but not THAT bad since she actualy cooperated with my SO.

Now I only want to see her one last time over coffee to make things right...is that a crazy idea? My SO says she is willing to do it but perhaps in a year or so...but I can't live with that.

I can't even bring up the subject with SO since she gets upset and doesn't understand why she would do me a favor since there is nothing in it for her.

I need closure...is this reasonnable?

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:48 PM

i'm so sorry that you are hurt right now. it really sucks, breaking up with someone that you are crazy about. i hope that you can find some peace very soon. here is a big virtual hug.


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