help with my own preconditioned notions
so my life in the last two months has been crazy. much joy has been added but much stress has also been added. a bit a background history though to make things a bit clear
eleven years ago i was in a relationship and engaged with a wonderful man. At that time i was 17 and he was 19. we were young and so in love. we lived together for just under a year. being with him was like the moon and the stars had colided with joy(ooooo sappy i know). during that year we became pragnent and i lost the child. both of us didn't know how to cope with this and the communication stopped. almost a year to the day we started together we split. i was torn into pieces. i actually spent about a month crying and didn't ever really move on. i locked that side of me away and i thought that i would never encounter it again.
fast forward five years and i had moved to a different town to get a education. During my time there i met a wonderful man that i grew to love. the love i felt for man2 was different instead of a soul mate kinda love it was a companiate love. this man had never been with anyone else so i felt that he should have the chancce to experience more. i talked to him about this and we decided a open realtionship in our case was a great thing because it allowed him to grow. in the six years that we have been together he has only explored out of the relationship once. with my full permission. he is a good man that has a good heart and a wonderful family.
about 2 years ago i met someone online and had a relationship that made me consider having a poly relationship. even though this wasn't ment to be in the long run i did learn alot and was able to open parts of myself that were sealed shut because of the pain my first fiance had inflicted. that relationship did end. but it did open a door and brought the idea of a poly realationship to both man2 and me. just on a side note i have a few friends that are in poly and open relationships so the concept is something i have known about and havn't really had a strong issue with.
now fast forward to about 3 months ago.
my ex fiance from 11 years ago decided to add me on facebook. we ended up talking and reconnecting. after about 2 weeks of talking everyday we decided to meet up . i picked a public location just so that if anything went wrong there was help about and my current fiance came with me. things were wonderful. i brought up the past and we throughouly discussed it and it seemed that my first man had really changed and my current fiance had not a problem with him.
so we really started hanging out and the reality of having a poly relationship became clear. on a weird side note my tarot cards hade been predicting a major change in my life , one that was desperatly needed , but one that i wouldn't expect but exactly what i needed. Now i am a logical person, narmally i wouldnt' put creedence into things like tarot cards . but i have seen them accuratly work before. it was how i actually met my 2nd fiance.
my exfiance and my current one hit it off as friends. both of them are not attracted to eachother in the sac. both dont mind sharing. but they don't want to share a bed.
so fast forward a month after my fist man and i got in touch again and he had a situation where he had no place to stay. my current fiance and my being not new to taking people in offered him a place to stay because we needed another roomate due to fiances. kinda funny here we had been looking for a roomate since july and 3 possible renters have screwed off at the last moment.
so it came to be where my soulmate came to live with my current fiance and me. this was something we were planning to happen in january but it happend in the first week of october.
a few things have happened.
my first fiance and i slid back into the relationship we had prior with the exception of him and me being more mature. i didn't think this was a situation that would ever be possible again after how broken i was the first time. this man treats me wonderfully. yes i am well aware it is a new relationship. but it is also a old relationship with a new spin. with him it was like things never ended. he is truely into me . he treats me so nicely i wonder what i did to get such niceness. he has truely grown as a person. but so have i and this has added the missing depth that wasn't there 11 years ago
now my current fiance and i are great with the situation. but this last month with all the changes things have been shaken up in our relationship. we have almost broke up 5 times after having a stable relationship over the last 6 years. the problems that we have been having are not due to him being upset over my ex being back with me . but have to due with mental health and physical health issues. my ex wont let me break up with my current fiance and he helps us communicate with has helped the relationship. it seems now apparent that the problems that my current fiance are having will be partially solved with new medication. he has add of the innatentive variety. which has caused him to steal, forget, be nasty and a whole bunch of other things when it kicked up this last month
now all is kinda settling down. i knew it would. everyone else is happy. i am happy but condused. i was raised with the ideal that i would have one man and be happy and have children with him. being in a poly relationship was not something i planned for. yes it is good. but i still hurt with all of it. yes i have talked to my men about it. both are great. but i still have worries about hurting one of them. i love them both. differently( which is weird in itself) currently i am having issues with adjusting to being with them physically. i was raised mono but now have a beautiful poly relationship that i know i want. i am just having problems internally adjusting to. my head is still kinda spinning from all the changes. i am not good with changes. but boy is this what i needed it is just stressful to adjust to.
any ideas on how to do this?
Are you sure you still want to marry your current fiance? It sounds like you may be wanting to solidify your commitment with your old fiance because you feel that that relationship is currently the stronger connection. Perhaps you are feeling anxiety about marrying the "wrong man" so to speak....and I don't mean that in a negative way.
Have you given any thought to just letting the relationships move forward without the idea of offical unions? It might take some of the stress away.
And of course I could be full-o-shit :o
Don't overthink everything. Don't try to micro-analyze every mood, word, action etc.
And please don't build castles in the sky !
It's a long road and lots of bumps & pot holes. Just try to flow with each day, deal with what today brings. Try not to look too far back - or ahead. If you can do that things can be what they are today, which you need.
All I can say.........
It sounds like the beginning of a wonderful relationship. The only advice about becoming more comfortable with the physical aspects of the relationship would be to start small and work your way up. Maybe do little things with one partner while the other watches, that kind of thing. That's how my girlfriend Selene is becoming more comfortable with the rest of us, and it's how I did it.
Good luck! :)
This is all brand new to you. Its no wonder you are having a hard time adjusting. No one would be able to at such a short notice. Give it time, let it evolve, don't rush, communicate often and honestly and it will be fine, whatever happens. There is no rush.
I would suggest haulting plans for a wedding if you are in the midst of that and plan instead what you are all going to do if this isn't going to work out. It is extremely fast to have a lover move in, some boundaries and ideas about what will happen if it doesn't work for one or all of you would be a good idea I think. When shit hits the fan, we all need somewhere to duck to. Not that it will for you all, but preparing for that before hand will make things easier if it does.
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