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-   -   completely frustrated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4236)

redrose129 11-17-2010 02:39 AM

completely frustrated
 
I'm not sure how much of my story I've told so I'll do a brief synopsis:

I've been married now for 10 years, I have one 6 year old. I have been with my husband since I was 14 with the exception of 1 6 month breakup where i met 2 exes. Anyway, almost 3 years ago, i met a lady and realized I have same sex attractions and consider myself bisexual although I've never been with a woman intimately (most would consider this bicurious, i guess...but whatever i HATE labels anyway) In doing my research for the bisexual and queer (how i usually identify) lifestyle, I stumbled onto polyamory. I read up on it and I agree with the "core principles" of polyamory (as i see it): (the ability to love more than one person, the ability to have multiple meaningful relationships, to be open and honest with your partner without cheating or deceiving them, communication is the key to all relationships, etc)

I've been out as poly for almost a year and out as a queer (bi) for over 2 years yet I have not have so much as a meaningful personal friendship! I don't understand. everyone on all the boards I belong too are highly supportive, there are a lot of us, but NONE in my area.??!! I joined a meetup group and its over 2 hours away!!! (one way) am I the only one faced with this? I did speak to one lady but she just wanted casual sex. I have nothing against anything anyone wants to do in their life, but casual sex is a no for me. (she was married) a friend mentioned its because my criteria is high most people dont fall in my category: married, bi, woman, preferably with at least one child SOMEWHAT near my age!!! I would eventually get to a point with this special person where she meets my husband and daughter, we (her family included: husband, child(ren) will get to know each other...etc.

I tried to be brief, lol. I'm just getting frustrated because it seems like there's nothing out there for me.. am i the only one to experience this or feel this way?

Fidelia 11-17-2010 02:52 AM

No, SisterWoman, you are not the only one to feel this way.

The choice would seem to be either endure the frustration and keep looking and holding out for what you really want, or lower the bar and take what you can find. Only you can know which choice is right for you.

Passport 11-17-2010 02:58 AM

I find that when I'm looking the hardest, that's when it seems that I can't find what I'm looking for.

I live in a small town - the nearest "major" center to me is at least an hour away.... so I get it. Bi, married, with kids and not willing to "out" myself to my acquanintences.... ugh.

So I understand. And keep my bar high - because the few times I've lowered it, its been uncomfortable at best and horrific in its worst.

You're not the only one. Check out OK Cupid.

redrose129 11-17-2010 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 52839)
No, SisterWoman, you are not the only one to feel this way.

The choice would seem to be either endure the frustration and keep looking and holding out for what you really want, or lower the bar and take what you can find. Only you can know which choice is right for you.



thank you! sometimes you know something but you need to hear i to understand it. your right...I have a choice. its a rather frustrating choice and to be true to oneself can hurt. I must keep the bar up and wait. sometimes it just frustrates the heck out of me that I could be talking to sooo many like-minded people and none who actually live in my area...lol. thank you for your response, I really appreciate it :)

redrose129 11-17-2010 03:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Passport (Post 52841)
I find that when I'm looking the hardest, that's when it seems that I can't find what I'm looking for.

I live in a small town - the nearest "major" center to me is at least an hour away.... so I get it. Bi, married, with kids and not willing to "out" myself to my acquanintences.... ugh.

So I understand. And keep my bar high - because the few times I've lowered it, its been uncomfortable at best and horrific in its worst.

You're not the only one. Check out OK Cupid.

thank you Passport. I failed to mention that being out at least to "some" is important as well. and your right, if I lowered my bar, i wouldnt be satisfied because my standards are my needs. if they aren't met, im not satisfied. thank you for your response, as well. It's nice to hear the comforting voice of people who understand! :)

Fidelia 11-17-2010 06:11 AM

Believe me, I know how it is. I live in a rural area too.

Just be strong, SisterWomen. Everything that must be, will be.

redrose129 07-31-2011 02:46 AM

update:

It's been a while, i thought i'd revisit my post and update everyone. So in January I met the most beautiful girl in the world. :) We have been dating ever since. I'm still with my hubby as well. It have been a very "cautious" situation but luckily, her and her husband have been extremely understanding and supportive.

Im currently trying to get my husband just to meet them. they want to meet him. I'm hoping once he meets her husband, he'll be more secure we are not going to be riding off in the sunset together. We (her, her husband, and myself) all have the same understanding....we are hoping my husband will soon see the vision.

we spend pride together and i love her. it's been a little over 7 months and we, her and I, are VERY happy. We are planning having a monthly "family" get together where the husbands and wives get together. (no swinging, no swapping, there is NO relationship beyond a friendship with her husband and with my husband!!! NO threesomes or anything. its me and my hubby. her & her hubby. her & I. all separate!! and once a month, we'd like to all hang out as friends.

my husband knows everything...

anyway, just wanted to update everyone. I'm happy. I just wish my husband was on board. :( that makes things complicated but i think he's opening up a little. we are planning our next "family" meeting and he might come. they're in public areas because we're friends, and my husband likes the next planned event we are attending. Last family event was on our 7 month "anniversary" and it was just her her husband & myself. we had a ball and made the best of it. we planned it so if my husband wanted to come he could, but there was no "pressure".

ill keep you guys updated...

RR

ImaginaryIllusion 08-02-2011 08:47 AM

Good to hear that things are going well, and will be waiting to hear more updates as they happen.

As for your husband...all I can suggest is patience. It's not the most fun or sexy sounding word, especially when there seems to be fun times on the horizon if they'd just get in the damn car! :eek:


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