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-   -   Embarrassing problem. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4232)

TheBlackSwede 11-16-2010 07:45 PM

Embarrassing problem.
 
So, as I said in a previous post, lately things have been great between my wife and I - especially sexually. I recently registered for okcupid.com (AMAZING site, btw), and have been in contact with a few women from there. I met one for coffee, we got along very well, definitely had some chemistry, even kissed a little, and decided to meet again last night for dinner and drinks. After a very fun evening, we returned to my place, where my wife had VERY generously given up the bed and was wrapped in a giant pile of comforter on the floor in our son's room.

Well, we ended up having lots of fun and pleasure, but I couldn't maintain an erection! I'd be fine, and then immediately following entry, nope... I never seem to have this problem with my wife, certainly not to this extent - there are sometimes periods of softening after rough parts while I catch my breath, but not like this... and didn't really with previous lovers, except that one time in college when I was WAY too drunk... I'm sure it was all in my head, probably something to do with my wife right in the next room, but dammit, what the hell!? Beautiful sexy woman? Check. Into each other? Check. Naked and in bed? Check. Comfortable with each other? Check. Foreplay? CHECK!

So, we had fun anyways, which is ultimately the important part... More oral, and with some self-stimulation on my part, I managed to finish (which I could tell she wanted), and so eventually she went home, at which point my wife came back to bed, all hot and bothered and said, "my turn". :cool: Strangely, practically all issues immediately evaporated, even though it was an encore performance. :rolleyes:

I sure hope I'm not the only this has happened to (not that I would wish this awkardness on anyone else). Any advice on losing those kind of jitters? Should I just say eff it and get some Cialis?

MonoVCPHG 11-16-2010 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk (Post 52770)
So, as I said in a previous post, lately things have been great between my wife and I - especially sexually. I recently registered for okcupid.com (AMAZING site, btw), and have been in contact with a few women from there. I met one for coffee, we got along very well, definitely had some chemistry, even kissed a little, and decided to meet again last night for dinner and drinks. After a very fun evening, we returned to my place, where my wife had VERY generously given up the bed and was wrapped in a giant pile of comforter on the floor in our son's room.

Well, we ended up having lots of fun and pleasure, but I couldn't maintain an erection! I'd be fine, and then immediately following entry, nope... I never seem to have this problem with my wife, certainly not to this extent - there are sometimes periods of softening after rough parts while I catch my breath, but not like this... and didn't really with previous lovers, except that one time in college when I was WAY too drunk... I'm sure it was all in my head, probably something to do with my wife right in the next room, but dammit, what the hell!? Beautiful sexy woman? Check. Into each other? Check. Naked and in bed? Check. Comfortable with each other? Check. Foreplay? CHECK!

So, we had fun anyways, which is ultimately the important part... More oral, and with some self-stimulation on my part, I managed to finish (which I could tell she wanted), and so eventually she went home, at which point my wife came back to bed, all hot and bothered and said, "my turn". :cool: Strangely, practically all issues immediately evaporated, even though it was an encore performance. :rolleyes:

I sure hope I'm not the only this has happened to (not that I would wish this awkardness on anyone else). Any advice on losing those kind of jitters? Should I just say eff it and get some Cialis?


For me it is called "connection before erection". I couldbarely get one with some one I don't have a real connection with. It will probably be better with more time and getting to know her.

Don't go artificial, your working fine. If you need pills to get excited enough for sex when everything is good, perhaps that is a message.

redpepper 11-16-2010 07:54 PM

please don't take drugs for that... geesh... there might be something going on psychologically for you and that really needs to be worked out if you are going to continue bringing women home... ask some questions of yourself. Do you really think that your actions with this were appropriate? regardless of what your wife thought? Was it too rushed for you to build any connection before getting it on emotionally, not just physically?

There is really nothing wrong with you other than you learned something about your self... your body told you something. Now figure out in words what it was saying. Don't add any cultural stuff in there, or what others think, what do YOU think? What was going on for YOU?

I think far too often people get caught up in being horny to actually listen and learn from themselves and the messages our body and unconscious mind tells us.

polytriad 11-16-2010 08:58 PM

Don't Be
 
This was all just in your head...I've found that some of the interactions I've had with women that are not my wife can be both downers and uppers. Feeling uncomfortable or some subconscious guilt may be there issue here.

I had a friend that would have sex with other women and could not keep it up for the life of him but would go home to his girl and it would be fine....now..mind you he was cheating so that more of a blow to his conscious...but same concept regarding think of your wife in the next room....

@ redpepper- Pills dont work if you have subconscious things going on anyway...My friend found that out the hard way...took some for the reason above went all day between a few of his "sides" couldnt get and keep it up...went home in the evening got up and stayed up until the next day at work..almost had to go to the doc...:eek:

TheBlackSwede 11-16-2010 09:18 PM

Well... there's another element to the equation, of a geometrical variety. She does kinda have a teeny-tiny-vaginy, not something I'm totally used to, and I'm not on the small side myself. If I started to go soft with my wife, I could thrust a few times, blood would start flowing again and all would be well. With this new woman, if I'm not rock solid, there's just no way I can stay in there. Condoms are a turnoff too, but certainly not the main culprit here by any means.

As for how I feel about it... She turns me on, I like her, we make each other laugh, there's definitely chemistry, and a connection. Not like the connection I have with my wife, but I honestly don't think I'm going to feel that with another human being ever, nor do I want to - that's its own special thing, and I'm absolutely ok with anything else being icing on the proverbial cake. If I thought I was doing something wrong, I wouldn't be doing it. Maybe I felt bad because my wife was alone, on the floor, in the other room, and I didn't want her to feel like she'd been pushed aside. If she had been, I dunno, at work or in bed with us, even if she wasn't partaking, maybe it'd have been a whole different equation.

Fidelia 11-16-2010 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 52774)
There is really nothing wrong with you other than you learned something about your self... your body told you something. Now figure out in words what it was saying. Don't add any cultural stuff in there, or what others think, what do YOU think? What was going on for YOU?

What she said. ;)

TheBlackSwede 11-16-2010 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 52790)
What she said. ;)

I tend to find myself thinking that a lot when I read Red Pepper's posts. :)

Ariakas 11-16-2010 11:06 PM

It happens, don't over think it. My first time away from my wife was nerves, fear etc. It eventually works its way out. If it continuously happens there may be a problem.

Other than that, the best cure is practice :D

redpepper 11-17-2010 12:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk (Post 52788)
Well... there's another element to the equation, of a geometrical variety.

Well, there is something to say in that... ;) I know where you are coming from.

When I have been in similar situations, and the boundary between flirting and sex is broken, I sometimes have looked at the person and felt that sense of "oh my this isn't what my mind was saying about the situation."

There is a cross over sometimes that occurs and my body doesn't follow sometimes, especially as it also does a check in and often it considers the situation not as great as my head does. Most of the time it says,,, ya, noooo... but I plug away and find myself shut off or not reacting..

TL4everu2 11-17-2010 02:37 AM

This happened to me ONCE......But I had justification IMO. Me and the woman started going at it...and I looked down, and realized she was on her cycle! So....yeah....I went limp and was a non-performer for the rest of the night while my wife was shagging away in the next room. LOL Otherwise, this has never happened to me..... BUT, it HAS happened to other men with my wife. Of course, this was in our "swinging" days. We would get together with a hot couple, and I would get together with the other woman and be going to town....but the other guy would get together with my wife, and it was "failure to launch". :( This was COMMON on the first time we would get together with a couple. The second time and beyond, though, it was GAME ON and all systems GO for everyone involved. ;) I would say it is just first time jitters combined with your wife in the other room.


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