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-   -   HELP!!! please... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4225)

wifey 11-15-2010 10:15 PM

HELP!!! please...
 
I am new to this Forum...however my husband is an active participant and I have read several different posts.

I need help in understanding how does poly work when you start with a couple who is married then add a gf?

This is something that only I seem to have trouble with. My husband feels that we should all be equal and its expected that my feelings for her should be the same as they are for him and they just aren't. When we got married there was never an idea in my head that this is where we would end up so I have adapted.

But now I am the bad guy for stating in a conversation we were all having that the most important thing to me is my marriage and it always will be and that I will do whatever that is to keep it in tact. Now I do understand how that could be hurtful for our GF to hear but I don't understand why I should be made to feel bad. I have been with this man for 9 years, we have two kids, a dog and are very happy yet I'm wrong for wanting to preserve that.

So I need help understanding how other people make it work. I don't know if I am to even consider myself married anymore and keep wearing my wedding ring if my husband and GF are making me feel bad for still thinking that I am married with a GF! I don't get it.

polytriad 11-15-2010 10:27 PM

Welcome...

Hope you get the advise you seek.

TruckerPete 11-15-2010 10:41 PM

Hi wifey,

How long have you two and gf been together? I ask because part of your post speaks to me, and was something my Indigo and I struggled with at the outset of my relationship with Mr. A.

Consider the words equal and fair. Both are good, honorable words. However, they are not the same.

I will speak from my experience, as that is all I have. When I began dating Mr. A, I was very concerned that both men be treated equally. After all, I was determined not to fall into the trap of treating a potential boyfriend as something lesser, to be called upon when I wished and packed up in a box and put away when I was done. Turns out, I still buggered up. Because I was treating this very new relationship with the same consideration I gave to my relationship with my fiancÚ. A solid two-year relationship.

Through some hurt feelings on Indigo's part and much reading on the forum, I discovered my error. I SHOULD have been treating Mr. A fairly, rather than EQUALLY.

While this has changed, at the time of this revalation, Mr. A contributed nothing to our household, and really only took time (my time) away from our home. This is normal, I think, for we were very new to each other. But it was a time for me to check myself, and how I approached my treatment of Mr. A.

Hope this can help.

wifey 11-15-2010 10:48 PM

I think fair and equal is very important that has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals when that is not the case. I do however agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3-4 months...yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

polytriad 11-15-2010 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifey (Post 52651)
I think fair and equal is very important that has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals when that is not the case. I do however agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3-4 months...yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

This is profound...Wifey and Nikki have been together for close to or a little more then a year. We have all been at this for years with each other.

TruckerPete 11-15-2010 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifey (Post 52651)
I think fair and equal is very important that has not been brought up to me before. I think it is unfair that I be expected to treat both our GF and my husband as equals when that is not the case. I do however agree that treating someone fairly when you cannot do equally should be totally acceptable.

The three of us have been together for about 3-4 months...yet I'm expected to treat her as an equal and they both feel that way. The pressure to do that is unbelievable on me.

Sounds like it's time for a sit-down with both parties. Is it your desire to eventually be able to treat your gf as an equal? If not, then you've got a whole other mess to work on.

If you do wish to eventually treat her equally, explain this to both of them. Give the good points, the things you like about your relationship dynamics, etc.

Then tell them what YOU need to get there. Whether it's a slow down, including gf in a more reduced fashion, etc. (I'm hesitant to give specifics as I don't know your situation.)

Perhaps reminding (and explaining) how things progressed with hubby before you trusted him enough to share living space, finances, children, pets, and all that fun stuff will check them both a bit.

I think if everyone's got a good head on their shoulders, you can have a really positive conversation about fair vs. equal that will help everyone be more comfortable.

If you'd like to include more details, please feel free to PM me if you're not comfy with posting on the forum.


~natasha

wifey 11-15-2010 11:19 PM

I think treating her as an equal will come naturally and it's not something that should be forced and yes I do expect that to happen but everyone expects that now and it's frustrating me. They are both aware that I am okay with equal treatment but I am not there yet.

To be honest I don't even know what equal treatment means. I treat her how I want to treat her I don't think about whether or not it's equal or fair. I just love her and try to show her that. It all makes me feel like my actions aren't enough.

TruckerPete 11-15-2010 11:26 PM

Can either of them give examples of when your actions weren't "enough"? If you love them both and are trying to show that love, then it sounds like miscommunication to me.

For example (I work better with examples), Indigo understands gestures better than words. So, if I really appreciate something he's done, then a hug/kiss/cuddle goes a lot further in showing this than singing his praises.

However, I am the opposite. If Indigo appreciates something I have done, I would much rather he sing my praises than give me a big show of physical affection. He's currently making tacos for dinner, so I need to go thank him in his "language" for that. :D

Do a search for "love language" on here, as there's a fair bit of info.

wifey 11-15-2010 11:33 PM

Thanks TruckerPete! I feel a little better after our postings. I hope others post as well. I'm open to what anyone has to say, good or bad.

TruckerPete 11-15-2010 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifey (Post 52660)
Thanks TruckerPete! I feel a little better after our postings. I hope others post as well. I'm open to what anyone has to say, good or bad.

No problem! *HUG*


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