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-   -   Burned (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42247)

CalShep 03-09-2013 12:25 AM

DH and I have been married 10 years. Talking poly for about half that. And just this year have ventured into our first poly relationships. It has and continues to be a journey, and I'm glad for this site because right now I'm in a quandary.

DH has seen a couple of different women. One was too young and immature for his liking, but the other is a much more compatible match and their relationship has been coming along nicely. I also like her and find her fun to hang out with, but really it's his GF, not ours.

But the real issue is the man I was seeing. I say "was", because after a few dates and lots of talking and feeling compatible, we became sexual. A couple of days went by, and DH texted him a little to be friendly but was blown off after a brief exchange. Now, 5 days past our last date and 3 un-replied texts, I'm pretty sure I just got used. And it pisses me off. One, that I got fooled so easily- and two that pretty much any other man I've talked to is simply more open about just wanting a physical relationship, which is not my M.O. so they tend to get shut down immediately.

This has kinda turned me off to poly relationships right now. I'm bi, but have not yet been with a woman, so maybe I'll try that. And there is that element of enviousness over DH having such a great relationship that I'm only going to be peripheral to. I guess I'm trying to get a handle on my feelings, and looking for some advice or just someone to talk to.

In case it isn't obvious, DH was up till recently the only real relationship I'd ever had, and he's one in a million and just plain incredible, so I went into things fairly naive. Now I'm at the point where even if the other guy does finally get back to me, I don't know if I'm interested in continuing things for fear of being used like that. Once bitten, twice shy.

Thoughts? Advice? Commiseration? I'll take any of it.

learninginTN 03-15-2013 03:55 PM

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Secondly, I'm sorry you felt used by that experience. That is certainly an understandable reaction.

I want you to consider for a moment that perhaps he didn't do it maliciously. Perhaps he became uneasy about the idea of entering a poly relationship dynamic, and just didn't have the courage to talk to you about that. Or perhaps he had an SO on the side who discovered him cheating and put the kibosh on it. Or maybe he discovered you just weren't his cup of tea, and, not liking confrontation, decided to end it by ignoring you. Or maybe he's in a sensitive job and started worrying this kind of lifestyle would "out" him.

The point is, you don't really know why he became incommunicado. Try not to assume the worst in the men out there. Maybe get back out there, meet some guys, have some fun without putting the pressure on yourself to meet your perfect poly-guy. Be upfront, honest, have fun, and don't make this a race, or feel you need to keep up with your husband. Make sure he's paying a proper amount of attention to you, let your feelings be known, and keep posting here to let us know how you are doing.

AnotherConfused 03-15-2013 04:12 PM

Agreed -the lack of communication could be anything. My bf did that the first time we got really sexual, which was several months in. Turned out he was just freaking out a little and couldn't put it into words. (Now he knows that I at least need to hear "I can't put my thoughts into words right now but I'm thinking of you.")

Also, I don't think polyamory is to blame. This kind of thing happens over and over in the mono dating scene. People only wanting sex, and people not treating each other well. Hang in there. Try again. Go slowly. Love your husband.

GalaGirl 03-15-2013 04:39 PM

learninginTN said it well.

I would add only these thoughts:

Maybe you don't want to get sexual as fast next time? Give yourself more time to sound out your dating partner before becoming sexually intimate? Maybe your POV on a sex share is different than his.

Some people view sex like recreation, some like "getting to know you" activity" and some like an expression of great feeling or "Other" -- a transcendent thing.

Maybe you and your new dating partner could agree on what you expect from each other more clearly in other ways. Sounds like you want more and/or faster "responsiveness" than this guy has given so far?

Hang in there.


LotusesandRoses 03-16-2013 04:28 AM

Let's worst case it, pretend he was out to grab a piece of your pie, got it, and ran like a thief in the night.

Did you enjoy it? Did you use protection? If yes to both of those questions, while it's disappointing you didn't get what you wanted precisely, you had a nice time with a fun guy. And now you're a little wiser for the experience.

Today someone told me not to move so fast on a kiss on a third date. And it was good advice. I might have scared them off, but feeling that strong desire was great. I can deal with a little rejection, but passion is something I can't live without. And I truly believe if we learn to take an honest look at ourselves and love ourselves for who we are, someone (or several someones) are going to say, "Hey, that's the person I want to be with."

Have safe, sane, consensual sex that is mentally and emotionally for you with a partner that cares about you, and whether that lasts for one night or one million, you'll never lose.

nycindie 03-16-2013 12:30 PM


Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 191132)
Today someone told me not to move so fast on a kiss on a third date. And it was good advice.

Really? I'd feel like a date has zero potential or interest in me if I wasn't kissed on the first date - never mind waiting 'til the third! I'd be hoping to do much more than kiss by then!

LotusesandRoses 03-16-2013 01:11 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 191166)
Really? I'd feel like a date has zero potential or interest in me if I wasn't kissed on the first date - never mind waiting 'til the third! I'd be hoping to do much more than kiss by then!

Different people are different. (I'm really running for Dalai Lama here with my profundity; ain't I?) I don't think I've ever kissed on the first date. Maybe I'm getting red hot rejection here, but I'm content with how it's going. And if I'm wrong about misinterpreting the text sent to me after, well, at least I have a history of making a couple of mistakes in my life before to make me more at ease with it. ;)

CalShep 03-24-2013 10:21 PM

Hey. I wanted to thank everyone for the replies and update a little. I'm feeling better, and ultimately am starting to be able to just chalk things up to experience and not be quite so naive. I definitely rushed things- between being excited at the prospect of experiencing another partner besides DH and having some sort of "competitiveness" feeling with DH and his then-GF, I just jumped in without looking.

I'm starting to think about trying again- but with eyes wide open this time. For now DH and I have been working on the dynamics of our poly relationship which is presently a Vee. Maybe sometime I'll be ready to start looking, try to find a woman this time. ;) Since I've never dated a woman before and have wanted to for a long time. But the looking is hard in a tiny, nowhere town where people gossip like they breathe.

Ultimately I think it's just a matter of giving it time and breathing room.

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