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-   -   How good is it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42204)

SEcondary 03-08-2013 12:31 PM

How good is it?
 
My wife loves her boyfriend and its wonderful for both of us. Yet in this forum it seems many people have problems. Their working on something,adjusting, four years later their still working on it ect.
Why bother if there are so many problems. If I read this forum before my wife fell in love with her boyfriend I don't think we would have gotten into it.
Are the rewards that great? How good is it for the wives or girlfriends? Thanks

JaneQSmythe 03-08-2013 01:20 PM

I think you have to take note of the fact that these forums tend to be a "foul-weather" type of friend. People look for resources when they are having problems and they need help resolving them. Once the problems are mitigated (or the relationship ends for one reason or another), people tend to disappear again -so, you typically only see the UN-sunny side of the street.

You may want to check out the Happy/Successful thread (I think there is a link in the Golden Nuggets thread) or read the blogs of some of the regular posters (i.e. some of the ones offering advice as opposed to those that are new and asking for advice). Those of us that are happy and contented tend to not post a whole lot of "All is good here, no worries, living life and loving it." posts day after day - we are just living it.

I was actually just saying to MrS the other day about how much I love my life. The only negative thing going on is that I haven't sold my old house yet so we have some financial plans on hold - nothing poly related. It feels, to me, like the last 18 months have been a very solid beginning to "Happily Ever After"...you know, where the drama is resolved and people just go on their merry way, enjoying themselves - the book is over because there isn't much to say of interest to anyone on the outside. :D

JaneQ

Livingmybestlife 03-08-2013 01:41 PM

My personnel relationship was not fraught with issues bout poly. They were and are about individual baggage. I think it is navie to say a mono relationship to say isn't always a work in progress. That said the past 2 years I would have had. Mental breakdown without both relationships. Yes, my relationship with my bf just ended, but it wasn't about me. The ending was organic in he wanted a different path without intergrity. My choice was to end the relationsip and remember sweetly the very good relationship I had with him instead of going into something I couldn't handle. Yes, we both hurt but the pure joy of that click the high of mingling souls from awesome sex high. Worth it every time. Poly with respect is awesome.

YouAreHere 03-08-2013 02:05 PM

For me (mono partner in a mono/poly relationship), it's been a struggle at times, but my partner and I have a relationship that is worth all the work. That whole gag-inducing "he's my best friend, we finish each other's sentences, we work well together, we can cook and put IKEA furniture together without killing each other" type of thing. :) Yeah, it's THAT good.

For him, he's the happiest he's ever been in his entire life.

So yeah... while it's work, it's still good. :)

BoringGuy 03-08-2013 02:58 PM

My relationships are mostly pleasant and effortless.

What else would you like to know?

I'm sorry I have not provided this audience with jerry-springer-like stories for everyone's amusement. I will see if there are any childhood issues I can dredge up so that my life will be more interesting to strangers on the internet.

Now I have to go out and remove two feet of snow one scoop at a time. BORING!

hyperskeptic 03-08-2013 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 189210)
I think you have to take note of the fact that these forums tend to be a "foul-weather" type of friend. People look for resources when they are having problems and they need help resolving them. Once the problems are mitigated (or the relationship ends for one reason or another), people tend to disappear again -so, you typically only see the UN-sunny side of the street.

Yep, I think this is so.

Not only that, but I begin to suspect there's something about online forums - the give and take of post and reply and counter-reply - that tends to escalate tales of difficulty into tales of woe into existential crises into signs of the apocalypse.

In short, this is generally not a medium for good news and tranquil reflection . . . at least, not without considerable, conscious effort.

(I write this as one very recently guilty of such an escalation, who is now trying to accentuate the positive by such a conscious effort.)

SEcondary 03-08-2013 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife (Post 189212)
My personnel relationship was not fraught with issues bout poly. They were and are about individual baggage. I think it is navie to say a mono relationship to say isn't always a work in progress. That said the past 2 years I would have had. Mental breakdown without both relationships. Yes, my relationship with my bf just ended, but it wasn't about me. The ending was organic in he wanted a different path without intergrity. My choice was to end the relationsip and remember sweetly the very good relationship I had with him instead of going into something I couldn't handle. Yes, we both hurt but the pure joy of that click the high of mingling souls from awesome sex high. Worth it every time. Poly with respect is awesome.

If you feel alot of love with someone does that mean you love them alot?

FullofLove1052 03-08-2013 05:31 PM

Problems come with every relationship. Some are more complex than others. It becomes an even larger challenge when you have conflicting personalities or different beliefs. You have to agree and set rules or boundaries. Communication among all parties is number one. Sometimes checkpoints or re-evaluation periods are needed. Is everyone happy? Is everyone getting their needs meet? If some answers are no, what's going to be done to change that? Sometimes an objective point of view is needed to see things a bit clearer, which is where all of these lovely forum members come into play. That third party can be the voice of reason and sometimes point out things that were missed. There are people who are happy or experiencing success. Not all of it's sad and heartwrenching.

Livingmybestlife 03-08-2013 06:26 PM

I feeel a lot of love but is the click there which is whT it takes for me. I dont have ro love everyone the same.

SEcondary 03-08-2013 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife (Post 189264)
I feeel a lot of love but is the click there which is whT it takes for me. I dont have ro love everyone the same.

My wife and I always talk about how good it is for her with her boy friend. How much she loves him. Physically she needs someone bigger than me. She has told me she loves him just as much as she loves me. Which I am fine with.
She says when they make love she can feel alot more love with him than me.
I want her to enjoy herself with him as much as possible. You could just see the glow on her the last time they spent the night together. They have not told each other that they love each other yet. Been seeing each other for three years now. Although not frequently.
I believe she can love him more than me eaisly. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and I'm totally fine with her loving him more than me.
Is this common?? Thanks


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