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-   -   double standard (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4219)

Jodi 11-15-2010 03:46 AM

double standard
 
has anyone known a person that wouldn't allow their partner to have sex with another change his/her mind over time?

i'm wondering if there is any hope for my couple.

after 6 months, my friends husband/my bf, still feels uncomfortable with her being able to either swing or have a boyfriend. he is content as my boyfriend however.

i have asked him to think about the root of his jealousy or fears. he knows this a double standard. my friend, she's generous, feels no jealousy and it's as if she almost accepts it bcz, "it's how he is". but, she is not one to just listen and accept. they've been married over 15 yrs. i wish there was something i could do to have my friend experience a new lover. i know that her husband/my bf is scared that he won't compare to another man, e.g. penis size, his ability to give her orgasms. also, he would feel anger and jealousy, he's told me.

thanks for reading. please share any thoughts or opinions.

MonoVCPHG 11-15-2010 05:27 AM

Double standards do suck but I am curious. Is your friend miserable? Is she voicing her need to have another boyfriend or are you projecting? Would her having another male lover pave the way for you to have one as well?

How does he feel about you having another boyfriend?

redpepper 11-15-2010 06:26 AM

until she insists that his One Penis Policy (OPP) ends, the ball is in her court. I realize that men sometimes get hung up on penis size and stuff, but he is just going to have to deal and figure out how to make it work, because if he doesn't and it were me who is his primary partner? then I would have no problem saying that the two of you have to end as a result... it just wouldn't be okay with me. It just doesn't seem justified, tolerable, fair and respectful.

He might need more help than he is willing to admit to get there... starting on that before someone comes along might be a better idea than in the throws of new love.

GroundedSpirit 11-15-2010 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodi (Post 52579)
.............. they've been married over 15 yrs. i wish there was something i could do to have my friend experience a new lover. i know that her husband/my bf is scared that he won't compare to another man, e.g. penis size, his ability to give her orgasms. also, he would feel anger and jealousy, he's told me.
.

Ok - sorry, I'm in a mood this AM.............

If the only thing that has held them together for 15 years is a questionable pecker, I think it's time they ended it and both go find a REAL relationship.

A genital connection is a pretty weak one and likely to break at any moment anyway. Why delay the inevitable. :)

Get another lover yourself and invite her over for a 3sum.

GS

NeonKaos 11-15-2010 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 52604)
Ok - sorry, I'm in a mood this AM.............

If the only thing that has held them together for 15 years is a questionable pecker, I think it's time they ended it and both go find a REAL relationship.

A genital connection is a pretty weak one and likely to break at any moment anyway. Why delay the inevitable. :)

Get another lover yourself and invite her over for a 3sum.

GS


This.

And srsly - all men everywhere need to cut the crap about "giving" women orgasms.

TruckerPete 11-15-2010 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 52609)
And srsly - all men everywhere need to cut the crap about "giving" women orgasms.

No kidding. I work DAMN hard WITH my partners (or myself) to achieve MY orgasms. :o

Jodi 11-15-2010 08:16 PM

she voices it to me mono. i don't think she pushes issue w/ him. i think she was waiting to see if he came around. she and i talk about it.

he hasn't said if he wants me or not to have another boyfriend. but, he knows that i am dating and will have another lover down the line. he's scared of diesease, but i told him i'd use condom. we don't, bcz he's only w/ his wife & had vasectomy.

he has no choice really about me, i'm free to do what i want. i don't know, mb i wd try monogomy w/ him, but i don't really want to. but, i wouldn't totally discourage him from asking or me trying. tnx for ur help.

Jodi 11-15-2010 08:18 PM

i know pepper, its not fair to her, and she is justified in telling him to stop. i would if she said to.

she is very unique, doesn't talk about people, barely ever, and is 99% of the time smiling, happy.

i don't know.

Jodi 11-15-2010 08:24 PM

yes, i would like to do tht for her. i didn't think of it. i have two men who might be obliging if we hit it off well enough.

as for her doing it w/out telling him, not sure.

i'd do whatever she wanted. she's given me a gift of her husband.

they are bonded by children, and sexual routine. also, religion & family has big part in them not ending it...also, they love eachother. just that sex, isn't good for her. tbh, i have had to work w/ him to do things how i like, and vice versa, i do much of the initiating. but, we're growing & learning.

there's just this nagging situation of my friend not getting the satisfaction she deserves. she just accepts it it seems, so i don't bring it up often, just sometimes to evaluate where he's at.

i made him promise to try to get to the root of his jealousy & c if it's standing in the way of making their relationship better/stronger.

MonoVCPHG 11-15-2010 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodi (Post 52635)
she voices it to me mono.

Thanks for clarifying. Then they have some work to do. She needs to assert herself if it is worth it to her and he needs to apply the same level of trust and consideration to her that she gives him. I don't know how anyone can rationalize thier ability to do something but it not be acceptable for thier partner. This is a a very possessive traight in that it not only denies the same treatment for all, but it is a clearly recognized and accepted imbalance.


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