Came seeking a place to figure out if I can really do this
My partner and I have been together for over 3 years now. We came together based on a need for complete honesty and communication, neither wanting to ever be in another relationship of "ownership", seeing that in so many marriages and relationships. We are also very Spiritual individuals, following a Native American path, and we consider each other Walk-Besides, as we walk beside each other on this journey. We are very spiritually connected. He's talked about "knowing" (he's actually a gifted psychic, really) that there would be "2 women" right from the beginning. I've always been open to that, knowing that we would deal with it when it comes up, as he'd always promised that there would be extensive conversation between us well before he approached any other. A few have come up, nothing ever appropriate in the end, so never really "dealt" with it, until now.
A woman that he had met years ago, had felt a connection with, but nothing ever came of it. She has been going through considerable emotional issues right now, and needs a strong friend, and he is someone she completely trusts. He had mentioned this "connection" with me when it happened, but seemed to jump into approaching a relationship, talking with her about it directly, without ever talking with me about it. A week ago, he was out plowing snow, never told me he'd intended to stop there, and when I called him and he was getting some sleep there, I was pissed. Have gone through the gambit, and we discussed everything intensely when he got home. My biggest upset was not being included, him not being completely truthful (was a wrong assumption of what was promised), and that I'd not yet had time to spend with her. It has always been an insistance (on both our parts) that I need to be able to feel comfortable with this person. His timing could not be worse, as I am going thru court again with my ex husband, and revisiting many trust and abandonment issues.
I'd spent many years within the pagan community, exposed to more than a few poly relationship, some that worked well some that didn't, sometimes as an "other", altho not a "second", per se. I contacted some friends that I know have a long-term very stable poly relationship, and we got together last weekend with them, wonderful discussion, and even more so on the way home.
Well, I met this woman for coffee this week, and I have discovered a new Sister, we got along so very well. Immediate Honest and completely Open communication! She came over to our house from there to help me out with some cleaning projects, and the 3 of us had dinner together. She is a wonderful person.
The kink in this whole thing, for me, is I have Multiple Sclerosis, and over the past 2 years, I have become disabled, unable to do many of the things that we used to do, having mobility and balance issues now. He's said that he wants this to be additional support for me, as much as someone special that he can enjoy those activities that he has had to put on hold because of my disability. I love him dearly, and appreciate all of the things he does for me, so I very much do NOT want to be the reason for his not being able to do the things he enjoys.
Tonight, it is snowing, he is out in the plow, after having dinner at her house, and I know that she is in the plow with him. That used to be MY spot! WE used to go hiking, and he wants to take her to a special mtn that we shared together. I sit here watching TV, alone in the house again, having to struggle to load the wood stove (ok, I'd do that if he was just out plowing, which I never liked), crying to myself "I don't know if I can do this!". Its been a roller coaster over the past few weeks, emotionally. Much of this is due to all of the BS with my ex. I go from being fine, being happy that this lovely woman is part of this, being even more connected with my Love because of the intense communication, to feeling lonely, wishing he'd come home, wishing I'd been there at dinner with both of them, wishing I had someone to come visit with me, and feeling sorry for myself because I can't get out more (physically or financially right now).
Anyway, sorry for the incredibly long intro, followed by a need for someone to help me get a handle on this whole thing.
THANKS for reading this far!
Welcome to our forum.
It sounds like you have no small share of challenges; I am especially sorry to hear about the MS. You are facing many things that make poly difficult, such as going through court with your ex. I don't suppose there's any chance your partner and this new woman could spend more time at home with you? Something to talk to them about.
I hope we can be of some help to you on this site. Certainly there is a lot of collective experience and wisdom here. I just wanted to say a few things, and let you know that I'm glad you joined us.
Thanks for the reply. We have gotten together here some. She has come over and helped me pack some boxes (impending move at some point). We have included her on an outing that would have been "our time" with long-time friends (do not know about the poly), went all three to the movies. He came home, said he wanted to see Oz, "She wants to see Oz, so I think we should go", not "do you want to go to the movies". More and more I am feeling like he gets to go "out" with her, and I end up being that one that he comes home to, that would be alone in the house otherwise. Another snowstorm, I am feeling like a shut-in, so this doesn't help. She's out in the truck with him the whole day out there, and he's never actually told me that they'd had these plans (she took 2 days off from work). For some reason that left me feeling like he is, again, hiding what is going on, and because that conversation gets left out, Mr "always honest" feels like a lie by omission. Its starting to feel like he's having some sanctioned affair, at times. Then when he mentions taking off to the folks cabin for a few days to escape the stress of the court crap, he starts talking about including her. NOT something I am comfortable with, can't imagine she wants to hash out sleeping arrangements just yet. We all drove together to a concert last weekend, and he kept saying before hand that it would be good if we were all in the car alone together, so we can talk, but then never brings up whatever it is he seems to think we should talk about.
I keep going back and forth, and really just want this all to stop, but I'm not completely sure just WHAT I want to stop, lol. Is it wrong for me to feel like its not fair if he talks about going to all sorts of places with her, that we never go to anymore, not in the years we've been living together, and not just because I can't anymore? Can't remember the last time he took me out to dinner. But he'll go out dancing with her as soon as they can get time. He says I get him around at home all the time, so that should be enough. Sure, the time we spend together, alone in the care driving to meetings, grabbing some Dunkin on the way, he says are "special moments". Sorry, I am just starting to feel like I am getting pushed into the background, as the "shut-in".
Is it unreasonable to want to be informed when he makes plans with her, before hand, not to find it out when I call him and hear her in the background?
I wish I could just stablize all of this emotion! I think I am having a really hard time letting go of the poor way that he handled it right from the beginning, and feeling completely run over by the whole thing. It always felt like it was much more about his "needs", than truly wanting someone else to "help me", as he keeps saying. He has had a tendency to "run people over", heading at his top speed, which is never healthy for anyone else in his path, lol. I do want to make this work, because I believe in the ideal, and I feel that it is fair to him to have someone that is not disabled to spend time with. I just keep feeling like something is going to blow up, and I really can't afford for it to be me again. I'm tired of feeling like my feelings in all of this really don't matter, because he's going to do it his way, all over again.
Sorry for the rant!
i don't know if i have any words of advice to give you, i just wanted to say that i sympatize with you and i recognize that feeling...at least what i interpret your feelings to be. working so hard to try and keep up with the pace of someone but being exhausted and wishing they would just slow down a little so you could get some space to breathe and think. if he feels that you are important to him and you have this strong spiritual connection surely he would want to make sure that you feel respected through all this. i hope that you can find a way to communicate so that you will get what you need. i wish you all the best!
What prevents you from saying to him, "I would love to go out to dinner, just me and you?"
Next time he proposes going out with her again, you can say, "I wish you would be a little more considerate toward how I feel when you want to do more things with her than with me, and when you make plans with her without my knowledge. I know I can't do as much as I used to, but I feel set aside and taken for granted. If you are going to invest more in your friendship with her, or become lovers with her, I need you to make extra effort to let me know I am still a part of your life and important to you."
It's very simple. You don't have to wrangle with this in silence. Get it out. That car ride, you could have said to him,"So, what was it you wanted us women to discuss on the way?" Why are you waiting for him to make all the moves?
I agree, you need to initiate some communication here if he won't be the one to initiate.
Re (from Post #3):
That and express how you're feeling in general, and that you would like to be left at home alone a little less.
I think you should be able to expect that he tells you his plans with her before his time with her.. Him not telling you anything until you call and hear her in the back ground is a lie by omission. You don't have to tolerate that..
My hubby has a secondary that he happens to work with. So in my mind h=they see one another all day. They get the office smiles, and texts, and flirting, and I feel like the harried house wife. He continues to reassure me that my romantic ideas of what life is like in the office daily is just that "my romantic idea". He also reassures me that I am not simply the house wife, but the operator if a finally tuned child rearing machine and that I am not just a harried house frau.. which at times is how I see myself compared to the office sex kitten..lol Thank goodness for his reassurances...
Recently I suggested that the two of us become friends because I tried not being friends with her and that wasn't helping me any. I text her and she didn't respond, then lied and told my hubby that she hadn't received a text. Shortly after that she emailed me and said that she had received the text but had not noticed it in her text thread. So I made my attempt at being friends, and shortly discovered that it's not worth being that friendly if she won't be honest. So I happily dropped the idea of being friends and went on about my business. I am happy for you that you can at least be friendly..
As I read your posts, I could totally relate to what your going through and feeling.. Writing might help get your thoughts and feelings more in order too..
I would definitely continue to keep communicating with him and let him know what your comfortable with and what your expectations of him and her are..
Thank-you all for responses! I do need to be able to check in here, to make sure that I have a handle on where my own feelings come from, and you are my "grounding". =)
He (L) got home yesterday afternoon, after being gone plowing, and resting at her place, for 36 hours. We had a little bit of conversation, but he was too exhausted, so I let it lie for the time being. We also discussed how the stress of the crap my ex is putting me through, being back in court, is worming its way into our relations. We spent some snuggle time, made love, and then in the after-snuggle I asked "we're OK?", not meaning to address any one specific thing, and more toward the checking in that the stress was not present, and I could feel his energy shift, he shut down some, and got slightly defensive, that he had "already told" me, and "already apologized" for something, etc. Totally threw me off balance, again, lol. He fell asleep, I spent some time sitting with it (smoked my Prayer Pipe, as my Spiritual Path is along the Red Road- Native American spirituality), and got some guidance.
I realized that there were some things about our Union that I had been in need of addressing for months, before he brought her into it. I totally own that, and now it seems to be something that must be a totally different focus of discussion, because the whole foundation has shifted some. I am OK with that, because it will be addressed, it is clear to me how important all of that was from the beginning.
We actually got some time to talk this morning (before I got a chance to check here, lol). I did tell him that not being completely forthcoming with what is going on is essentially a "lie by omission", and that if this is to work there can be no "secret" life. WHile there is an expected level of "privacy" that one would want in each relationship (we don't need to be sharing bed-stories, lol), the keeping their "dates" secret makes it no more than the "sanctioned affair". That is NOT what we went into this as, NOT what we were looking for, and had been up front with that. I completely understand that she is at a disadvantage, being in a "secondary" role (hate that term!), that does not mean that I want him telling me "I'm going to B's", and not tell me that they are going out dancing. There is a level of "need to know", when I am spending my time invested in being concerned for the well being of BOTH people. I would rather know that she is in the truck with him, so that I know he has company, and be "worried" about the safety of them together, than "worried" about him alone in the truck. I don't want to be getting a call in the middle of the night that they were both at a club that just burnt down, not even knowing that they were out. When there is that level of "separation" of the 2 relationships, it enhances my already existing concerns, because of the MS, of becoming the "shut-in", or the "invalid" they work together to assist.
Right from the beginning, L stated that this was to be an "enhancement" of our relationship, that there must be complete honesty. If B is not comfortable with that level of sharing, which we had already discussed somewhat (perhaps not defined well), then she needs to make that known, and make decisions on that. He's already pushed it far beyond where I think it would have been appropriate, by becoming lovers long before the foundations were clear. Too late to turn that back, lol. The level of connection, and the Spiritual work that L and I do together, can not remain intact with anything other than a complete triangle, not 2 arms of separate relationships. Whether or not B and I ever become "lovers" is not completely relevant to the idea of a triad, in our situation.
I also explained to him that the NRE in their relationship must NOT take away from our relationship. It cannot "steal" that energy. If he is going to start going out on dates with her (or both of us even, we went to the movies together on Mon), he needs to make sure that some of that is still there between US. Just because he's "here everyday" doesn't mean that work doesn't still needs to be done to keep this relationship healthy.
And, he needs to get used to the "checking in"! If he is going to get upset when I ask "we're OK?", then there is a problem somewhere. He should be aware that he will be getting that from BOTH of us along the way. Possibly daily, for a while, lol. He also should feel that it is his right/job to check in with us, as well. If this is ever to be what he(we) envisioned for a "team" (I would say triad, but there's been no movement for she and I to become intimate, not that I would be opposed to exploring that, lol), we ALL need to be on the same wave length.
I am still finding myself overwhelmingly concerned for B, and how this truly will effect her. She has had some major relationship traumas in her life recently, before this wonderful man "dragged her along" into this relationship. Her ex tried to kill her, her DD who lives with her has a BF that is abusive (and spends most of his time at her house), and most of the kids (18+) that spend time at her house have issues. I know that this situation doesn't exactly instill a sense of stability for someone in her "role". I am grateful that she and I have become close friends in many ways. I need to ensure that THAT relationship continues to grow. Yes, we all need to spend time with the 3 of us in conversation, I just keep getting the sense that she is not completely comfortable with it yet, and that may be her concern for my feelings (because we are alike in that way, lol).
It is such a slow process, that is moving far faster than it should have. I am praying daily that we don't have the whole train derail. Every perceived I just wish that our environment allowed us to be more open about all of this, anyway. There are too many risks if my ex found out, and dragged in to court about custody! We all went to the movies, and L sat in the middle, and I had expected (hoped, really) that he could hold both our hands. It would be the only place in public that it would be acceptable, as yet. But, he held mine for a moment, then went back to center, worried that he would offend one or the other of us.
Nancyfore, I do not think I would ever do this, if there weren't some sort of relationship, friendship, between myself and the "other woman", meeting and "approving of" her beforehand. In that case it would feel like she is the "other woman", and without a connection, there is a sense of that being a "sanctioned affair". At least that is how it is for me. We had agreed quite clearly from long before we ever got to this point, that it would be a requirement. Even tho L took it further than he should have before I had a chance to forge that friendship, at all worked out in that way, so far. Being "energy sensitive", it would be impossible for the energy of one relationship to not spill into the other.
It was a GOOD conversation, and an agreement that the *3* of us need to sit down, SOON, and talk about all of these things. Also not fair to L to be the "monkey in the middle", with 2 conversations going on, and him trying to relate each to the other. He isn't always good at the translation of the words, and sometimes mis-reads things (like last night, lol).
Thanks, again, all!
Glad to hear you had a promising conversation with L. Keep us posted. I hope the three of you will get to have a sit-down soon.
Just to give a brief update, this weekend it was my birthday. Had some friends over, including B and a few of her family that know about the situation. We all had a wonderful time, and it was a great bonding experience, in seeing how important she's become as a "sister". At one point a few of the adults were sitting with the kids, telling a story, that went around the room. It was such fun to watch and listen in, and L and B were sitting on the floor near each other, and I could see the energy between them as they all laughtd and had fun. I could feel my heart opening, and loving, seeing 2 people that I care so much about, caring so much about each other.
Last night she was having some unrest in her house, adult children with drama, and she couldn't hide from the noise. We were on our way home from visiting, and convinced her to come hide at our house for a bit. We hung out and watched a movie, then had a brief, but wonderful talk. Tomorrow she's coming over and we'll have take out Chinese, and talk.
I am feeling much less emotional, now that some conversations have been had, and the snow is done (I hope!), I feel less like a "shut in", and more happy about all of this wonderful adventure. This is a beautiful opportunity for us all to help each other, and grow as individuals and as a "team". <3
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