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-   -   Blending two families into one household? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42179)

BlazenBurn 03-08-2013 01:21 AM

Blending two families into one household?
My two children and I moved into Darling's house with his wife and child. We are having adjustment issues. Darling would like us to all live together as a blended family. Even though his wife and I get along very well, it's like we aren't sure what our roles are now. It's one thing when your husband has a girlfriend, it's another when she moves in with her two lively teens. Darling wants me to be his "wife". Defined as the person who he shares his domestic life with. I don't know that his legal wife is quiet ready for this change. She lives quite a separate life from us but she still is part of our family. I pick up on a discomfort when she sees that I am now doing his laundry or cooking for him. Darling says that they are basically roommates and claims he doesn't see any issues. I just don't think he is picking up on them. I know it is going to take time for all of us to work out the living situation.

My kids are adjusting okay. His Daughter, not so much. She stays in her room all the time and won't come out. Her parents have to coax her to spend anytime with all of us. She definitely is not fond of me. My daughter is her age and would really like to be friends but she is actively ignoring her. It must be very stressful to have a new family brought into her house.

Any suggestions for living as a poly family?

WhatHappened 03-08-2013 03:21 AM

These are three teenagers? Are they all aware of the exact nature of the relationship?

nycindie 03-08-2013 04:02 AM

From what you wrote here, and forgive me for not remembering the gist of your other threads, it sounds like Darling "moved you in" with him and his wife without really consulting her, even though she lives there with her children. Maybe not everyone here is on board with the idea, and there you are making yourself right at home, while she had no say in the matter. I may have understood it incorrectly - did all of you sit down and talk about it beforehand, planning things carefully, or did your bf just decide for everyone else what was going to happen?

Also, you may want to check out our Master Thread: Children and Polyamory - lots of good info there,with questions from people struggling and sharing from people succeeding.

BlazenBurn 03-08-2013 05:08 AM

Originally, we were going to stay here for a few weeks and then relocate to our own place then Darling decided he wanted us to stay here for good. He really didn't discuss that with either his wife or I. When he told her she was very surprised. I sat down and talked to her the next day. She says she is okay with the arrangement.

I'm not sure however this is the right situation for everyone including me. This is her house. She is very protective of her space and her things. Even the room my kids are sleeping in was a guest bedroom and every space is full of her things. She keeps saying she will go in and move things out so that they can at least use the dresser but she hasn't. They are still living out of suitcases.

I guess I just need my own home. I told Darling that and he became very sad saying that he didn't want me to leave him. That he wants to wake up every morning to me. I feel torn.

BoringGuy 03-08-2013 05:40 AM

If I were the other teenage girl, the one who lived there already, I'd have exploded all over that house by now, leaving a trail of bloody entrails for everyone else to pick out of their hair.

Get the hell out of there, yesterday-ish, like.

ThatGirlInGray 03-08-2013 05:55 AM

I don't always agree with BG, but I'm gonna chime in with a HELL YES this time.

Sounds to me like Darling has his own issues, even without Chatty in the picture. He was in denial about the issues with her, now he's in denial about the issues regarding this living situation. And he makes unilateral decisions without consulting ANYONE?? What the crap?!

You have the right to your own space if that's what you want. He should not be guilt tripping you about that. If he wants to wake up to you every morning, you two can discuss him staying at YOUR place (once you have one).

BoringGuy 03-08-2013 05:56 AM


Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 189111)
I don't always agree with BG, but I'm gonna chime in with a HELL YES this time.

Agree or disagree because you agree or disagree, not because of who I am.


Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 189111)

Sounds to me like Darling has his own issues, even without Chatty in the picture. He was in denial about the issues with her, now he's in denial about the issues regarding this living situation. And he makes unilateral decisions without consulting ANYONE?? What the crap?!

Oh wait woa, this is the one with the girlfriend with BPD, who threatens suicide? Is it? I get people mixed up a lot.

ThatGirlInGray 03-08-2013 07:27 AM


Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 189113)
Agree or disagree because you agree or disagree,

Well, yes, that tends to be how I work. :confused:

GalaGirl 03-08-2013 07:57 AM

That behavior? Making decisions for all without taking their input or receiving their buy in and support? That is called being incredibly FRESH and entitled. :eek:

Could stick to original plan and move out. Finish the old plan before starting a new one. Like...
Thanks for the hospitality. NO, I am not willing to be a permanent roomie at this time. I am moving out as originally planned. Why?
  • My children's needs for comfort and stability trump Darling want to have a live in GF at this time. They are living out of suitcases! This is not permanent living quarters. They need to have space of their own that feels intentional and not slapdash.
  • The needs of the wife to have her home back to normal without of guests-suddenly-turned-roomies without her input and willingess on board? Her need to be respected and have a voice in the things that concern her? Trumps Darling want to have a live in GF at this time.
  • My own need to have my own home space and be guilt and weird feeling free? Trumps Darling want to have a live in GF at this time.
  • I have a limit. I do not make life changing decisions like that on impulse. My limit needs to be respected... BY ME. So I can maintain my own self respect. That trumps Darling want to have live in GF at this time.
  • Do me the respect of giving me a serious live-in proposal like I am a serious person in your life that you value. My children and I are people. Not washing machines that do your laundry or new curtains to just swap around on a whim because you feel like seeing blue curtains for a new view every morning when you wake. I will not entertain proposals of FRESH. I expect better treatment from a BF. My need to be approached in a respectful way by my BF trumps Darling want of a live in GF at this time.
    Thank you.
The needs of the many outweigh the WANT of the one or few on this one, dude. Welcome to polyshipping ethics. Could hold him and yourself accountable to a higher standard and could not let your soft feelings for him cloud your vision, your ethics, and your responsibility to yourself and to your children.

Could say NO to shenanigans. Nope. Nada. Not playing that here. Zip. Nip it in the bud. Because YOU are responsible for your own healths and well being AND that of your children. There's a thing called sleepover weekends ya know. Not like he can't wake up to you sometimes.

You could choose to value you and your children's and your meta's long term well being more than he seems to right now. His behavior right now is INCREDIBLY FRESH. Do not have to count FRESH when you consider your next home plans.

Be glad you still HAVE a GF dude, with FRESH attitude like that. Live in or otherwise! Jeez! :eek:


BlazenBurn 03-12-2013 06:21 PM

Long talks with Darling about living arrangements. Long talks with his wife about the same. Long talks with the kids about their feelings. We came to a compromise. We are going to approach the owner of the house next door and see if we can buy it (a very good possibility). His wife and child can have this house as their "home" and Darling, me and my kids will live in the other and have it essentially our "home". This will allow him to be in close proximity to his child and all of us can live as a poly family with some separation. His wife LOVES this idea. She is happy that their house will essentially become her house. We can easily move between houses for family stuff.

I talked to him about how he really didn't approach all of us and he didn't take in to consideration WHO each person was. He just thought that we could all bend enough to make it happen. I pointed out to him that his wife likes separation. This is who she is. By insisting on having us live with her, it was trying to force her to be someone she wasn't. Same for his daughter. His daughter has grown up in a very quiet home. My kids have not. The two styles are not compatible.

I am also going to step up immediately the next time I see something in the works that I don't think will be in the best interest of all parties. I think I just didn't want to be the "naysayer", especially since he seems to be pulling out of his funk over Chatty.

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