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cuddlecakes 11-14-2010 12:07 AM


I've been interested in poly for more than a decade, but have only been in monogamous relationships until the last few years. Strangely enough, because I started dating kind of late, I've actually been interested in poly longer than I've been dating.

My last relationship was ambiguously open. We talked about both wanting openness and not being possessive and being free to see other people, but we weren't the best communicators and never said much else about boundaries or what kind of relationship we were in. She started seeing another couple, but didn't tell me much about it, and I didn't ask. I got pretty jealous, things were uncomfortable between them, etc. :(

After a year of being alone, I've started dating someone new in August, and we established from the first date that we both want it to be non-monogamous. We're doing pretty well so far, but it's new for both of us, so I thought "Hey, I'll join this forum and see what advice and ideas I can get." :)

Some issues I hadn't expected:

Relationship styles - She's more interested in a serious primary relationship with more casual things on the side? More "open" than "poly". For myself, I've always imagined polyamory with a few serious partners and not really any "hierarchy". Hmmm.

Inequality - She has a lot of other dudes, but I don't have any other ladies. Sometimes I feel like I'm "getting the short end of the stick". Of course that's not her fault or anything, it's just easy to feel insecure. In fact, she's been limiting what she does to make it easier on me, but that makes me feel guilty that she's missing out on good things because of my insecurity.

eklctc 11-17-2010 03:45 AM

Welcome to the forum. What I can say upfront is it's ALL about communication so, you both should constantly work on building the lines of communication with each other. It would also be a good idea to write out what your needs are in the relationship you have with each other and make sure you both understand those needs and are willing to accommodate them. I believe a big part of this relationship style is balance. She will have to work to find it amongst her multiple partners so that no one feels like they are 'getting the short end of the stick' but the partners have to learn to be more selfless and patient as well. It's definitely a process and, who knows, you may soon find an additional, suitable female partner to share yourself with. I look forward to checking in on your journey.

cuddlecakes 11-19-2010 05:47 AM

Thanks for the response.

We've started writing out some rules, though it's mostly just notes and proposals so far. Maybe "rules" isn't the best word?

My attitude will change wildly from one hour to the next, which is frustrating for me and probably for her. Earlier tonight I was happy and secure and told her I wanted her to see this guy again (she has not been seeing anyone else for a few weeks). But a few hours later after she finished talking about all her prospects, I felt jealous and insecure again. It's totally irrational, and I know this while I'm feeling it, but I can't keep it in check.

I may have a date myself next week, though. :) Not someone I was considering as a prospect. We'll see.

eklctc 11-21-2010 04:30 AM

Well, I hope everything goes well. Yea...I would say to take the time to really reflect within yourself about those emotions you are feeling. I believe that, more times than not, our negative emotions are based off of a lack of communication or a lack of raw truth about mindset and/or past experiences with self.

cuddlecakes 12-03-2010 03:43 AM

That one got canceled but tonight I went on one with someone different who I've had a crush on for years. It went pretty well! My girlfriend's on a date with someone new, too. I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.

Danny40179 12-03-2010 02:15 PM


Originally Posted by cuddlecakes (Post 54876)
I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.

Why is that? Is it a competition? Those are questions that when answered honestly will help you move past these feelings. :)

Good luck and keep us posted.

cuddlecakes 12-03-2010 02:24 PM


Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 54901)
Why is that? Is it a competition? Those are questions that when answered honestly will help you move past these feelings. :)

It feels that way. I was optimistic and excited about how well my first date with someone else had gone, but then when my girlfriend got home much later and told me about hers and how well it went, it kind of snuffed out my mood. "You didn't even kiss her? Why not? Are you sure she's into you? We had a good date and made out and he wanted me to come home with him, but we're postponing it til next week. I'm really excited about him!"


Interestingly, though, this guy is in an open relationship, and feels the same way as me. His girlfriend has a lot of dates and he hasn't had many, and it also makes him feel inadequate. :)

Danny40179 12-03-2010 02:35 PM

BIG RED FLAG!!! Def sounds like your gf is MAKING it a competition!! I think you guys needs to sit down and have a very open and honest conversation about what exactly you both are looking for.

cuddlecakes 12-04-2010 12:29 AM

It's not really that she's making it a competition. It's that I feel like I can't keep up with her.

We have conversations all the time. :) I think we're pretty good at communicating. Better than my last relationship, at least. I mentioned "it feels like a competition" today, and she said "no no. you like her. she likes you. i just want you to kiss her already". She's frustrated with me because she thinks I'm not living up to my own potential?

Last week she saw a guy she's seen before, then her ex visited for a few days, then Tuesday had a date with another guy but he canceled, then yesterday a date with a new guy that went well, and just now she told me about another new one who has asked her out. Meanwhile I've only gone on a single date with someone else in the 4 months that we've been dating. She's not doing anything wrong, and it's not her fault; the disparity is just overwhelming. :/

Danny40179 12-04-2010 02:47 PM

I see. Well for starters I think it's easier to find a man that's willing to be a bit more open about this lifestyle than women. I lucked out when I found our gf, but aside from her, there aren't too many women out there keen on the idea of my lifestyle.

I think it's nice that she's trying to be supportive, but I think maybe she needs to go about it a different way? Telling you that you're not living up to your potential isn't necessarily a great way to give someone a pat on the back. And, while I know she's not doing anything wrong, maybe she can slow down a bit more so you can feel a bit more comfortable? I know that may not seem fair, but one thing I learned in this lifestyle is that you have to go at the pace of the slowest individual.

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