Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   As much as I love her, she is asking to much! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42124)

Eth76 03-07-2013 07:59 AM

As much as I love her, she is asking to much!
 
Hi, I'm a new member, but long term lurker of this forum, and I really wanted to run something past you all in the hope that you could give me your opinions, advice, or criticisms! And also for me to just get things off of my chest a little.

My wife & I met each other when we were 21, fell in love, travelled for a few years, and then got married at 24. First few years were great, no real responsibilities, I had a good job, we had a great group of friends, had a lot of fun, and a good lifestyle.

I soon had the want of starting my own business, but the struggle to get it up and running, and then to initially keep it as an ongoing concern, meant long hours, and a real shortage of money for a few years. This was when the struggle of day to day life started to really get to my wife. It was made worse by a miscarriage which devastated us both. She took a long time to get over it. I think that I did the best I could to really help her, she disagreed!

Things got better, money troubles started to lessen as my business started to take off a little, and we started getting out more, and seeing our old friends again. We had flirted a little with the local fetish scene before, and through the encouragement of a mutual friend, we got back into it. It was there that she met Alex, with whom she had an affair!

Eth76 03-07-2013 08:00 AM

I knew something was up, she became distant and irritable towards me, and would get annoyed when I showed her affection, but then feel guilty and go overboard in trying to make it up to me. After things came to a head, she told me that she thought that our relationship had gone stale, and that she wanted us to open our marriage up.

I was not that keen on the idea though. As a couple in the scene we were involved in, we had played with others, but always together, never as individuals. She said she was unhappy though, so in the end, I agreed.

She came up with this idea because of the guilt she was feeling about her affair with Alex. She did not have the courage to tell me about it, but felt really bad about cheating on me behind my back. She did not want to lose what she now had with him though, so suggesting that we have an open relationship was a perfect way out for her. She relieved her guilt, did not have to own up to the cheating, and still got to see Alex! She told me she had met someone about a month later, I did not find out that she had actually been seeing him for at least 8 months until a few years later. By doing what she did, it also made it a whole lot easier for her to see more of him. Clever really!

Eth76 03-07-2013 08:01 AM

It did work though, it gave our marriage a boost. She continued to see more and more of Alex, and I had my own thing as well. It was good, no doubt about it!

The difference between my thing and hers, was that mine was just sexual. What she had with Alex may have been born out of lust, but it soon became apparent to me that she loved him, and he loved her, and she admitted as much to me when she was ready to make their relationship more serious. This made me jealous at first, but she had a way of drawing me closer to her, and making me feel more secure in her own love for me, while at the same time giving as much time to her relationship with Alex as they needed. She was very good at it. She also made it a huge turn-on for us both!

Alex and I were eventually introduced to each other, and hit it off straight away. We became, and still are good friends. He started to spend more and more time at ours, and her at his, until it became a hassle for him to go back to his place at night, or for her to come home. So we agreed it would be better for us to find a place that was more suitable for the three of us. It was not long before we were all under one roof.

All of us were very happy with this, it really did work very well. She would spend one night with me, and the next with Alex. We would often all be in the same bed together. She was never happier.

As to be expected, things started to change over time. She told me that she wanted space to herself. So she decided to spend more time in her own room. In truth, this was just a way for her to spend more time with Alex, without actually having to tell me that that was what she wanted. When she made out that she was in her own room, she was actually in his. We all knew this, but it was allowed to go unsaid.

It did not bother me. I excepted that she had a stronger sexual connection with him, and of course it also allowed me to see who I wanted too, when I wanted. I took full advantage of that. Also, my wife* still spent plenty of time in my room, and we still had a very strong connection.

Her becoming pregnant was a bolt out of the blue.

Eth76 03-07-2013 03:42 PM

It did work though, it gave our marriage a boost. She continued to see more and more of Alex, and I had my own thing as well. It was good, no doubt about it!

The difference between my thing and hers, was that mine was just sexual. What she had with Alex may have been born out of lust, but it soon became apparent to me that she loved him, and he loved her, and she admitted as much to me when she was ready to make their relationship more serious. This made me jealous at first, but she had a way of drawing me closer to her, and making me feel more secure in her own love for me, while at the same time giving as much time to her relationship with Alex as they needed. She was very good at it. She also made it a huge turn-on for us both!

Alex and I were eventually introduced to each other, and hit it off straight away. We became, and still are good friends. He started to spend more and more time at ours, and her at his, until it became a hassle for him to go back to his place at night, or for her to come home. So we agreed it would be better for us to find a place that was more suitable for the three of us. It was not long before we were all under one roof.

All of us were very happy with this, it really did work very well. She would spend one night with me, and the next with Alex. We would often all be in the same bed together. She was never happier.

As to be expected, things started to change over time. She told me that she wanted space to herself. So she decided to spend more time in her own room. In truth, this was just a way for her to spend more time with Alex, without actually having to tell me that that was what she wanted. When she made out that she was in her own room, she was actually in his. We all knew this, but it was allowed to go unsaid.

It did not bother me. I excepted that she had a stronger sexual connection with him, and of course it also allowed me to see who I wanted too, when I wanted. I took full advantage of that. Also, my wife* still spent plenty of time in my room, and we still had a very strong connection.

Her becoming pregnant was a bolt out of the blue.

GalaGirl 03-07-2013 05:35 PM

Quote:

I really wanted to run something past you all in the hope that you could give me your opinions, advice, or criticisms! And also for me to just get things off of my chest a little.
I hope you feel better for getting that all out there.

My opinion or comment is mostly in the land of "Why the unwilling to be honest about the growing feelings for Alex? Why enter into breaking promises to spouse? Could knowing any of that help in moving it forward to a healthy space? What do you even WANT for yourself and your next healthy space?" :confused:

At this point in time, what are YOUR wants, needs, and limits?

FROM HER:

I assume you would like her to at least own up to the lying /cheating approach to this and dinging your trust? And make some trust repair?
Are you wanting to stay together or is this irreparable?

FROM HIM:

An apology if he was aware he was enabling her to cheat? (If she lied to him to... what then?)

FROM YOURSELF:

What you you want from yourself in this situation? To feel what? How does the behavior you choose help you create and feel those emotions that you want to feel?
I see that you could have some work ahead there in filling out the rest of your wants, needs, and limits so you can begin to articulate them to yourself.

Gotta do that before trying to articulate what your needs might be to others. :/

Galagirl

Eth76 03-07-2013 06:32 PM

@galagirl. Thanks for your post. My thread does not make sense at the moment. I have posted more, but it has to be viewed by a mod before it can be posted! Maybe this is because I'm a new member?

When my next post appears, I'll get the rest off of my chest.

Thanks

GalaGirl 03-07-2013 06:50 PM

Ok -- just hope you are doing ok over there under the circumstances. Cheating affair recovery is not FUN but it can be done if all parties want it.

GG

Eth76 03-07-2013 06:53 PM

It did work though, it gave our marriage a boost. She continued to see more and more of Alex, and I had my own thing as well. It was good, no doubt about it!

The difference between my thing and hers, was that mine was just sexual. What she had with Alex may have been born out of lust, but it soon became apparent to me that she loved him, and he loved her, and she admitted as much to me when she was ready to make their relationship more serious. This made me jealous at first, but she had a way of drawing me closer to her, and making me feel more secure in her own love for me, while at the same time giving as much time to her relationship with Alex as they needed. She was very good at it. She also made it a huge turn-on for us both!

Alex and I were eventually introduced to each other, and hit it off straight away. We became, and still are good friends. He started to spend more and more time at ours, and her at his, until it became a hassle for him to go back to his place at night, or for her to come home. So we agreed it would be better for us to find a place that was more suitable for the three of us. It was not long before we were all under one roof.

All of us were very happy with this, it really did work very well. She would spend one night with me, and the next with Alex. We would often all be in the same bed together. She was never happier.

Eth76 03-07-2013 06:55 PM

As to be expected, things started to change over time. She told me that she wanted space to herself. So she decided to spend more time in her own room. In truth, this was just a way for her to spend more time with Alex, without actually having to tell me that that was what she wanted. When she made out that she was in her own room, she was actually in his. We all knew this, but it was allowed to go unsaid.

It did not bother me. I excepted that she had a stronger sexual connection with him, and of course it also allowed me to see who I wanted too, when I wanted. I took full advantage of that. Also, my wife* still spent plenty of time in my room, and we still had a very strong connection.

Her becoming pregnant was a bolt out of the blue.

Eth76 03-07-2013 07:18 PM

She said that the pregnancy was not planned, and she could not be sure who the Father was. Sometimes you just get a strong feeling about something, and I believed it was mine. I hoped that it was, I wanted it so bad that I* convinced myself that I was his Dad, even when Harry was born. I really can't tell you why I thought this way, it was not rational.

We were rational enough to know that we had to tell our parents about the nature of our poly relationship now. It did not go down well with my parents, or hers. To have to tell my Mother & Father that they may, or may not be grandparents was not easy. To describe my Dads reaction as disgusted, would not be an over exaggeration. It was not easy!

I set myself up for a fall, and I fell heavy. I was not the Father. When we found out, it was devastating for me. I was very upset, incredibly emotional, and I just wanted to escape the whole thing. She knew how much I was hurting, and she told me that she would one day want another child. She promised that she would make sure that I would be the Father.


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:12 AM.