Figuring out the ropes
So I've been looking for advice on my relationship for a while but none of my friends can really provide any good insight so I"m hoping ya'll can.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just about 5 years and have a great relationship and will be getting married when I'm finish with medical school. I brought up the idea of an open relationship several years ago and after a long conversation, we both decided it was something we wanted to try. Since them, I've had a couple of flings and he had until very recently only had 1 one-night stand. We just moved to a new state (he moved for me) and I lost all of my potential dates in the move. I'm now incredibly busy (med school tends to be that way) and haven't had any real desire to find anybody else. We have slightly different rules than what may be the norm. I don't mind if he bring people to our apartment as long as he doesn't ask me to leave for it. He has to have sex with me before he can sleep with another girl. No staying the night and no getting attached. We're interested in the open relationship for the experinece of sleeping with other people not true poly-amory.
The drama in our relationship has come of late due mainly to this one girl he's been seeing. She's a co-worker of his and they started out texting quite frequently, sending pictures and whatnot but I wasn't aware of it. He mentioned he was interested in a girl at work but hadn't mentioned he was texting her so much. This started in Dec and towards the end of the month, I found all of these texts on his phone and at the time he was asleep. I felt really betrayed that he wouldn't have told me about this girl if it was getting so intense and we have the type of relationship where I want to know everything (I get my rocks off to it a bit). We talked about it and I felt reassured that he wasn't trying to hide anything and just hadn't thought it was a big deal. For our relationship thus far, I've been the one out with other people so it was new territory for me and I know I was being kind of silly.
Since then, they've continued to talk and have made plans to get together while I'm gone but every single time they make plans, she comes up with some excuse (ranging from car breaking down to "just not in the mood") and it's been incredibly frustrating for me because I feel like she's just been playing with him and I"m protective. This has been going on on a weekly basis and sometimes multiple times a week and they still hadn't hooked up. I'm out of town for the week and so it seemed the perfect opportunity for them to get together and yet, more excuses came up. Que to today, where I spent the afternoon talking to my boyfriend about this situation and we both came to the conclusion that she was just toying with him and it was time to end things. Then, this evening, she shows up and they have sex. My reaction was less than pleasent. For whatever reason, this woman bothers me more than any of his other flings have (he also within the past week had a friend come down and they hooked up and I was fine) and we got into an arguement about whether or not things should end with her.
My issue is that I don't trust her. I think she has alterior motives and enjoys screwing with his mind. He claims she doesnt and the fact that she put out is evidence enough of this. I don't want to tell him he can't see her. I don't feel its fair for me to say that and aside from this one girl, our open relationship has been working great and I can't help but think part of my discomfort is because I'm not actively pursing anyone else. I guess I just wanted opinions from other people who are going through this that might be of some help.
I think it's clear that your gut is telling you this woman will cause problems. Now, whether that is the case or not, I think in any kind of relationship like this all parties need to comfortable with the others involved. You and BF may want to have some clear, honest communications about the ground rules, especially in regard to a veto power. Some relationships want this; others think it's too controlling, but you guys are going to have to hash this out amongst yourselves.
It sounds as if you need the veto power for this relationship to be comfortable for you. Work with BF to make this decision. If you decide Yes on the veto power, may sure it goes both ways. Don't grumble if he vetoes a guy of yours. Openness and honesty are paramount in open relationships.
I wish you guys well.
I say, let him manage his relationships and you manage yours.
OK... this seems to be about your relationship with him and how to be in harmony with him while he has another thing going on. Maybe it's a boundary thing you guys could re-map out for yourselves on this one?
I assume you do not want to break up over it. So what do you need to feel safe here? Relationship grow at their own pace. If he's growing one here with her it doesn't mean YOU have to.
You cannot give your goodwill on this one at this point in time, so need different game rules if he chooses to play here at this point in time.
If you do not trust her, maybe you don't want her in your home for instance? Could he go to HER home? Maybe that could change so you can feel safe in your own home. All safer sex things still apply.
Could address the -- "well, if you are drunk on NRE, am I expected to bring up concerns to you or just stand back and let you deal as it unfolds?" thing. Maybe having a clearer defined role for YOU is what you could need so you can feel mentally safe -- Like you are doing YOUR end of the deal. It isn't anything you did and he's not later gonna go "Why didn't you tellll me!?" because you lived up to your expected duties there.EMOTIONALLY SAFE:
Emotionally? My spouse has told me before "Look, if I don't like them? I'm not crazy about them using you up and they take off and then it is ME holding the emotional bag because YOU are now a mess. What the hell did I do? Nothing! So there's gotta be the plan for THAT. There's being supportive and then there's being over the top with unrealistic expectations of me!"SPIRITUALLY SAFE:
I don't know what else you could need so you could feel at peace in your soul about it -- maybe time?YOU are responsible for your own best healths and well being. So could think about your boundaries on this one with him so your health and well being is preserved.
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