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-   -   Time Apart (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4210)

Mohegan 11-13-2010 04:38 AM

Time Apart
So I need some advice.

I'm taking a job at a bakery in Ohio. We can't leave the cats for a month, and Karmas about had it with Ohio anyway... so he'll be staying here in MD for the first 15 days that I'm gone and then joining me in Ohio for Christmas and possibly New Years.

We have never been apart for longer than a few days. And never while he's had a girlfriend.

How do you handle time away from your primary? What do you do to keep the long distance connection? How do you keep your mind from wondering to all the time they are getting to spend with their oso without you there?

Part of my issue on the whole poly journey has been feeling like I am missing out on something, it's actualy an issue that plays into all areas of my life.

The fact that I am gaining alot by taking this position, takes a far back seat to the inner talk of "but you'll be missing out on time with him. And he'll be with Cricket and not even thinking of you."

So yeah, any advice from those of you in LDR's or those with primaries who work a distance away, I'd love to hear your tips and tricks to get through this. This is something I've NEVER had to do and I want it to be a good experience.

Derbylicious 11-13-2010 06:12 AM

2 weeks really will just fly by. You'll be doing something that you like doing and socializing with your family. Try to set something up with Karma so that the two of you are talking/texting/emailing daily just to touch base with each other.

My hubby and I still have our connection and he was gone for the better part of last year. It will be ok. The 2 weeks apart will likely just fly by. Plus getting back together after being apart for a while is always fun.

If there are things that really bother you about Karma and Cricket being together while you're away make sure you voice exactly what those are. For me while my hubby was away and had just met his gf I wasn't ok with overnights because I didn't have the oppertunity to have someone sleep beside me and cuddle with at night. It was a very specific request and he respected my boundaries.

Hope that helps


Mohegan 11-13-2010 07:17 AM

Thanks Derby! It does help. Karma came home and we talked after I posted that and I'm feeling a bit more at ease.

I think my biggest fear is that my boundries won't be respected. This is big test in our trust issues.

But I think I'll go over my boundries with both him and Cricket and trust that he cares enough to follow through (as he has in the last 6 months) without me here.

I feel bad being upset over 2 weeks when people like you have much longer times apart. But we've never been apart this long, nor with so much going on and having changed in the last 6 months.

I know you're right, I know the time will fly by. I'm probably going to be more upset in the time leading up than in the actual time there.

GroundedSpirit 11-13-2010 04:59 PM

Hey Mohegan,

My thoughts................just keep working on YOU. The rest will take care of itself.

Seems you are living in a lot of fear and insecurity. Please - that's not a condemnation in any way :(

But if you get a different perspective, get some confidence, your life won't always seem like you are moving from one crisis to the next threat.

Build a life around you that's full of trust & nurturing. Of love. Good things will come.



SourGirl 11-13-2010 05:36 PM

Hey, look at it from the other perspective,..

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. You will have 2 weeks of being the one thought about, and missed. :)

He will be longing for ya, by the end of the first week, nevermind the second. ;)

MyNameIsMaam 11-14-2010 01:30 AM

I travel a lot so being away from home is "normal" these days.

Here are some of the things I do when I am on the road alone:
  • I see tons of movies - especially chick flicks
  • I go to coffee shops for hot chocolate while I read or study
  • I go to bookstores to get more books because I finish them fast when I travel
  • I visit museums and art galleries
  • I take my cross-stitch projects and work on them
  • I try out all kinds of bath fizzies since I don't have a tub at home
  • I go to bed early and sleep in late for a change
  • I work out in the hotel's fitness center

I am sure you will find plenty of things to keep you busy-

Good luck!

Mohegan 11-14-2010 09:41 AM

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling much more confident about the time away. My brother seems to have all my free time already planned. Sometimes he amazes me by knowing exactly what I'll need.

My mom and I doing Christmas shopping together, which we haven't done in years.

I still have the underlying fear that something will happen while I'm away, or while Karma is driving in by himself and I won't be here to help.

GS:I'm a worrier. It's what I do. If I expect the worst, then I can't be disapointed or surprised in a bad way.

But overall I think I am looking forward to some alone time. I tend to forget that I need it.

And you're right SJ, we've already made plans for the first day we are back together ;)

Confused 11-16-2010 06:16 PM

We didn't have a poly issue, but we did have some trust issues which we've since worked out when my hubby had to go away for 3 months with work when I was pregnant with my second daughter 3 years ago.

We set up webcams and Skype and set aside a time to talk for an hour or so every day. Sometimes it was at 5am because of his schedule and I just got up for it, or sometimes it was midnight and I waited up for him to get back to his room from his training sessions. We also sent long emails talking about everything under the sun, we would find links to articles or activities and just send a quick email asking what we thought about those things and used it as a time to reacquaint each other with what we felt about a whole load of things that weren't child/pilot training/trust issue related which was a huge help to us. It actually hugely kickstarted our intimacy and honesty while he was away, I don't know why but I'll be forever grateful for that time apart despite the fact that I cried for weeks before he went because we'd never been seperated before either.

Fidelia 11-16-2010 06:59 PM

Here are some things that work for us, when Fidelio and I have to be apart:

We leave little love notes where they will be found. (On the mirror, inside drawers, on the coffeemaker, etc.; OR inside the suitcase/briefcase, folded into pajamas, tucked into the laptop, etc.). Some of them turn up right away, but some of them take days or weeks to be discovered, and it's a warm snuggly feeling every single time. ;)

We talk on the phone several times a day, and always when we wake up and go to sleep. Maybe very short conversations ("Hi, sweetie. I'm taking a little break and missing you. How's it going? Ok. Gotta run. Love you!") but lots of them.

Sometimes we send gifts. It doesn't have to be long-stemmed roses, either. Ebay daily deals always offer free shipping and are usually cheap.

A couple of times when we were jonesing bad for each other, we've ordered the same dinner delivered and ate together on the phone. Domino's pizza is more or less the same wherever it's sold.

Just some ideas to get you started. I'm sure you'll come up with plenty of your own.

girlcaleb 11-17-2010 01:27 PM


Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 52764)

A couple of times when we were jonesing bad for each other, we've ordered the same dinner delivered and ate together on the phone. Domino's pizza is more or less the same wherever it's sold.

this one here is a fun idea. Dinner skype.

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