Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Anger (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=421)

Mark1npt 06-25-2009 10:18 PM

Does anyone have any advice for someone experiencing anger directed toward them from their spouse?

Case in point, my wife and I of 27 years.......8 months ago as our best friend's marriage was finally and terminally crumbling, I suggested a "V" relationship be formed with her best friend, her and I. They are not bi and both very mono. I now know that I have always been poly, but living a mono life. I have a severe loyalty streak, but that's another issue.

My wife agreed to this scenerio and the relationship began. For mental health support reasons and financial reasons, we moved our 3rd in with us, to live in the upstairs of our house. (my wife was not able to envision a shared bed arrangement).

It has been a blessing for all involved. We all get along great and function wonderfully as one big happy family. Nights are alternated by me between the two women. The house runs beautifully, we are all truly best friends.

The problem....lately my wife has been teeming with anger toward me, especially the morning after I am with our 3rd. She harbors it, later voices it, but can't say why. It appears she honestly doesn't know why. It is distressing to us other two and now beginning to affect our relationship some.

I have suggested counseling to my wife and that now appears to be a viable alternative. We have tried talking about it, but never seem to cover any new ground. She voices her anger, but doesn't know why she is feeling that way.

Any thoughts, anyone?

yoxi 06-25-2009 10:43 PM

If she can't tell you, it definitely sounds like she needs to talk about it to someone who's not intimately involved in the situation that's making her angry. A counsellor or a good friend. And how is your 3rd finding this? Maybe you all need to talk about it together.

Mark1npt 06-25-2009 10:59 PM

Thanks yoxi....they've talked quite a bit, she and i have talked quite a bit. Nothing seems to come of it. Nothing changes. She feels better for a day or two, then wham...the morning after I'm with our 3rd she's back flashing anger again. All the rest of the time she's loving, having fun, getting along, etc...very difficult to explain....like I said, she doesn't even know why she's behaving like this. We've discussed jealousy, it doesn't seem to be that. We've discussed it not being a competition between the two of them for my love or attention. They both have it, no questions asked. I've reiterated til I'm blue in the face that I can't exist happily without the two of them in my life. They profess the same. So what gives?

redpepper 06-26-2009 03:35 PM

hm, bizarre circumstance. I feel for you.

I would suggest she look at the jealousy issue again. After all, the two of you were monogamous together for a long time and now she has chosen to share you. Perhaps she is not conscious of the fact that she needs to feel she is respected/appreciated for the time she has spent with you. I know I would struggle with that.... even though I have compersion and would enjoy the arrangement you have.

Perhaps she is not focusing on her life outside of your "v"? Maybe on the nights that you are with your other she needs to be more socially active.... maybe she needs to have her own "other" love?

Perhaps there is something rising out of her unconscious around you and your other partner as there seems to be a cycle of her being angry after you have spent the night with her? I would hate for that cycle to become entrenched. I really don't know your details, but hope that something comes out of starting this thread and there is some movement......

If I were her I would spend a good long time on my own, perhaps away from home, to meditate on it and focus on myself. I would also spend some time talking with your other when you are not there to see if she can shed some light on the issue. I know you love both of them very much, but sometimes we all need some ranting time.

I hope some of these questions are helpful....

Mark1npt 06-26-2009 05:00 PM

Redpepper, thanks for the input. You being a woman, I value your take on this topic especially so. The wife and I had a long talk last night in which a lot of hard feelings were expressed on both sides. She finally admitted to me that her "anger" was really jealousy, but she didn't want our 3rd to know. Well, of course we all 3 sat down after and had another long talk, addressing the jealousy issue and a few others. In short we are 3 unique people with a 20+ year bond, in a unique situation, at a unique time in our lives (meaning kids are grown and we are on the downside of our careers) so there's not a lot of peripheral baggage to stop us from living this poly lifestyle.

We are all 3 so good, living together, and while neither of the women are bi, my loving them, both together as a family unit. We are all very close friends on top of the love we share for eachother. There is no reason good enough for this not to work out for all 3 of us. I have re-assured my wife on numerous occasions, that she is not losing me. Our 3rd has re-assured her that she is not stealing me away from her. I have made it clear to both of them that I wouldn't be able to function or live the rest of my days content/happy without both of them by my side. So there should be no sense of loss that brings about such strong feelings of jealousy in this relationship.

My wife seems to think it's the empty bed next to her on the nights I'm with our 3rd that draws it out of her. (she has no interest in having her own, 3rd) I don't equate it with being that big a deal since we have frequently gone to bed at different times or travelled on business over the years so the bed was never fully occupied anyway. How do we break these feelings of jealousy? Talking about it doesn't seem to achieve that. Re-assuring doesn't seem to do it. What's next? Any other suggestions anyone's found helpful? Thanks

MonoVCPHG 06-26-2009 05:16 PM

Redpepper's husband would be a good source of info on this topic as his situation is more related to your wife's. Although we do not live together yet, Redpepper and I usually spend two nights a week at my place. I have no jealousy towards him because I hold their love and marriage sacred. I want them to be closer together. I wonder what his thoughts would be on this.

Mark1npt 06-26-2009 06:53 PM

Thanks Mono...is it possible to ask him ? I don't know if he's a member here on this board.

redpepper 06-27-2009 06:34 AM

He is not a member on here but I can ask him, sure. I thought, after I wrote, how I had recognized that anger in him sometimes. He is happy with our situation but it does mean that I am not around sometimes and that there has been a huge change. we have never been separated, except for a week in our 8 year marriage. It must of felt very strange at first. I think it has helped to have our own time together on dates and doing things that we used to do that are normal in our relationship. There is some comfort int that I think.... watching tv while we fold laundry for instance... that seems to ease the burden of emotions/work/communication/differentness that comes with this kind of change.

HA! the mundane has become so important! who would of guessed when I was so bored and fed up with it at one point!

It seems your relationship hasn't been very long? Is the NRE wearing off on the whole thing. I think that NRE can be for the whole poly experience for a "v" as much as between two members of it that are together. Maybe things are just becoming normalized and there is a remnant of emotion there.

I'm glad you have got to the bottom of it a bit more and have found a few answers.

Quath 06-27-2009 02:12 PM

Maybe for the nights you are away, you can find a way to alter any patterns that are not working. Like maybe a good night kiss for her when she goes to bed... like being tucked in. Or maybe she treats herself extra special on nights you will not be there by taking a long bath, watching a favorite movie, or eating some really good ice cream.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be jealous to the point she she tries very hard to hide it until it comes out as anger. So maybe she can try to let you know when she is feeling the pangs of jealousy. The idea is that she can communicate it, but it doesn't directly mean that any plans need to change. That way she can tell you without feeling like she is making trouble for anyone.

redpepper 06-27-2009 05:04 PM


Originally Posted by Quath (Post 2252)
It sounds like she doesn't want to be jealous to the point she she tries very hard to hide it until it comes out as anger. So maybe she can try to let you know when she is feeling the pangs of jealousy. The idea is that she can communicate it, but it doesn't directly mean that any plans need to change. That way she can tell you without feeling like she is making trouble for anyone.

I like your ideas Quath and think you might be on to something there...
I like to express our emotions, regardless of what they are, as much in the moment as I can and without delving into what the others might think of me. It is hard to to that, as it makes me super vulnerable... and especially around strong emotions such as anger, but it has the effect of dulling them quickly so that they don't become something they are not. I don't always know what it is I am "feeling" about but I have the option to say "I am feeling this and don't know what it is, but just want to let you know. I will let you know when I know so we can talk about it." I have found, in doing this often now that the moment I start to say that I have some kind of notion of what it is and can then start talking about it and picking it apart. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it and will say that too. Usually because I need to pick words so as not to hurt another or need to think it all through first.

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:17 PM.