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-   -   Help with phrasing a request... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42093)

acb2012 03-06-2013 11:43 PM

Help with phrasing a request...
 
Need a little help. My lover is having a very difficult time on a lot of levels, physically, emotionally, mentally. And I love him and want to support him. And I am pretty new to this relationship (about 8 months), and honestly, pretty new to the concept of polyamory. (Long post... never knew about polyamory as a label, one mono relationship, always having to explain myself constantly so I am just going to drop this.)

Anyway... OK. Lately he has been leaning on me pretty hard for a lot of support in all facets. The part I am having a hard time with is being his cheerleader when he goes on dates. From start to finish. How to approach asking them out. Pre-game cheerleading. Post game wrap up.

I am happy he is dating. I WANT him to be happy and feel great about himself. But this is making me a little uncomfortable. I want him to know that I am really supportive, but his firsts dates, I kind of want them to be his thing.

Like I said, I am new to this. I've never (aside from once) been monogamous, but I've never been poly either. just been doing my own thing and it worked. And quite honestly this is not even a poly/mono question. It's a human question. How do you love and support someone while a the same time, not being more involved in the play by play than you need to be?

GalaGirl 03-07-2013 03:13 AM

OK. How about something like this? Edit at will.

Quote:

Hon, I love you and want to support you. But I need it at a volume where both our needs are met to the happy medium level. Could you be willing to talk to me to find where that level is at?

I am happy you are dating and I want you to feel happy and good in yourself.

I want your first few dates to be your own thing though. The part I am having a hard time with is being your cheerleader when you go on dates. From start to finish. How to approach asking them out. Pre-game cheerleading. Post game wrap up. To me that's a volume of 10 and I feel uncomfortable at that volume.

I need to be free of being this involved in the play by play so I can feel more comfortable. I am willing to do __(list actions)___ and feel that's coming in more at a volume of (6? 7?). That's more doable for me. Still supportive but not too close for comfort.

Would that volume level meet your need for support in this area? Little higher? Little less?

If you need more input than I can give without overextending myself... could we talk about making some poly friends? Use online resources? Could you be willing to talk to me about all this more deeply? I want to find the happy medium with you if you could be willing -- the place where my wants, needs and limits are honored AND your wants, needs, and limits are too. Thanks.
HTH!
GG

acb2012 03-07-2013 04:33 PM

Thank you!!! We've had a good conversation about it today. Your input was helpful!!!

GalaGirl 03-07-2013 04:56 PM

Great! Glad the conversation went well.

You basically wrote it all out there yourself. ;)

Galagirl


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