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-   -   can poly be controlled? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4209)

vodkafan 11-13-2010 04:25 AM

can poly be controlled?
 
Just wondering? Can poly-ness be switched on and off? Is it a state of being , innate and hard wired? I feel like I am hard wired mono. I could give reasons if somebody wanted.
Just wondered if someone who is poly can give reasons why they feel the way they do. So I can understand what's over the fence a bit better. Any replies appreciated ;)

Derbylicious 11-13-2010 06:15 AM

Are you asking if someone who is poly can be satisfied in a mono relationship? I think it depends on the mono relationship. If you are poly and still free to seek out deep friendships and are able to connect with others even without sex then I think it can work for some people. I don't think it can be switched on and off but you can choose not to be sexual with others.

Breathesgirl 11-13-2010 02:55 PM

I think there's a thread around here about the differences between poly & mono?

To me the benefits FAR out weigh the negatives in a poly relationship.

I'm free to see other people within the boundaries we have set up. Not all of these relationships are, or even need to be, sexual. They can be platonic, romantic, sexual, intellectual, cuddly, whatever our needs are really.

There's more communication with my poly relationships than there EVER was with my monogamous relationship.

Compersion. I'm happier when they're happy & they're happier when I'm happy so it's a win/win situation.

GroundedSpirit 11-13-2010 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 52433)
.............
Just wondered if someone who is poly can give reasons why they feel the way they do. So I can understand what's over the fence a bit better. Any replies appreciated ;)

Hey Vodka,

Well, for me at least, 'poly' is half philosophy, half emotion.

There's an....... intellectual....side to it. Something I put a lot of thought into at a pretty young age - the age when you start to question everything. I looked at any existing relationships I encountered, spent a lot of time researching the concept of 'love' and when all said & done couldn't come up with any reason that love SHOULD be exclusive. That thought process didn't seem to reflect the world around me. So it's a philosophy at a root level.

Then, I think different people are more in touch with their...........heart (for lack of a better term at the moment). There's a thin line between empathy and love. As we, either by nature or by discovery, learn to open our hearts to people in general, we increase our chances of detecting/feeling love. This is a personality and cultural thing to a degree I suppose. We've all met people who are just open & loving by nature. Whether it's the environment they were raised in, life experiences they've navigated, whatever. They embrace the potential - whatever the 'flavor' is. They want to feel it.

So can you 'switch it on and off' ? I don't think so. Not if you truly understand the nature of it. I liken it to learning to swim. If at first you can't, you're afraid of the water. But once you learn to swim, you discover a whole new world awaiting you. The fear is gone - if respect remains. The pleasure of immersing yourself in the water and just flowing with it is something you are unlikely to ever want to 'unlearn'.

And why should you ?

So you say you are 'hard wired', but I would challenge you in that what is likely 'wired' is your understanding of love. And if you are unable to look deeper into that - it's like fear of the water. You may never swim. And that's ok. Millions of people can't swim. They seem to 'get by'. But for those who do, it's a whole different world.

The trick seems to be finding space on the beach where we can enjoy the sun together. Not forcing the one into the water over their head nor land-stranding the swimmer.

GS

FlameKat 11-14-2010 01:57 AM

@GS that is an amazing description and beautiful too. Do you mind if I copy that and use it with my partner?

@vodkafan For me it is more a feeling of 'having come home', this is the way I am, like I have taken off a mask...
I don't think it's an issue of controlling it... how would you like your partner's love for you to be 'controlled'? I can love you but only this much... because someone else thinks its wrong?

That is incredibly unfair to everyone...

LOL - I guess I am trying to say that for me - no it's not a matter of 'switching it off', maybe the volume can be turned up or down - depending on the quality and depth of relationships...

I think I made sense at some point in there :p

vodkafan 11-14-2010 03:02 AM

I guess I was wondering about people who have maybe had poly leanings for years, but been more or less happy in a monogamous long term relationship, how they controlled themselves, whether it made them very unfulfilled etc etc; I wasn't talking about having a partner impose control on them. OK thanks for the replies, which were interesting.
I will try to be more specific about questions in future; it was really just an idle thought that popped in my head.

FlameKat 11-14-2010 04:20 AM

Interesting thought...
 
The topic, whether a random thought or not is relevant and interesting.

Looking back over my past relationships, I recognise that I was in fact 'choosing my family', I didn't extend it to developing those (additional to my primary) relationships sexually as that option to me wasn't an option - it wasn't even a thought in my head, a wish in some cases yes, but an actual real option - NO.

Now that I know heart and soul that it IS an option - I can't switch it off. It is right, It is meant to be, it just IS...

Its as if I have gone through my life with blinkers on... now they are off and I can finally see everything, I am free to be me.

GroundedSpirit 11-14-2010 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vodkafan (Post 52527)
I guess I was wondering about people who have maybe had poly leanings for years, but been more or less happy in a monogamous long term relationship, how they controlled themselves, whether it made them very unfulfilled etc etc; I wasn't talking about having a partner impose control on them. OK thanks for the replies, which were interesting.
I will try to be more specific about questions in future; it was really just an idle thought that popped in my head.

I guess that would be a fair description of both my primary mate & I.
We've had long stretches where it was just the two of us and loved every....well most...minute of it.

But again, I think you need to get clear on the difference between philosophy and action.

You ARE poly if you sincerely BELIEVE in it, from a well analyzed position. Not from some sexual fantasy level.
Or you don't.

Whether you are in a position to ACT on it or not is something entirely different. Very much driven by circumstances - some which we at times seem to have little control over.

But the fact that you can't act at a given moment doesn't change what you hold true in your heart.

Not sure if that helps any confusion you may have ?

GS

Breathesgirl 11-14-2010 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 52547)
I guess that would be a fair description of both my primary mate & I.
We've had long stretches where it was just the two of us and loved every....well most...minute of it.

But again, I think you need to get clear on the difference between philosophy and action.

You ARE poly if you sincerely BELIEVE in it, from a well analyzed position. Not from some sexual fantasy level.
Or you don't.

Whether you are in a position to ACT on it or not is something entirely different. Very much driven by circumstances - some which we at times seem to have little control over.

But the fact that you can't act at a given moment doesn't change what you hold true in your heart.

Not sure if that helps any confusion you may have ?

GS

Thank you! This states my feelings on it wonderfully!. I've been struggling with this particular definition for the better part of five years because I couldn't find the words to express how I thought & felt!

GroundedSpirit 11-14-2010 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlameKat (Post 52523)
@GS that is an amazing description and beautiful too. Do you mind if I copy that and use it with my partner?

Of course not. If anything helps - and harms none - keep it circulating.

GS


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