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-   -   need some advise (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42085)

Amorlee 03-06-2013 08:23 PM

need some advise
What do you do when it seems that your partner is not having the same results with the poly life style as you. For example women usually have less trouble finding other partners than men or that has been the case for me and my husband. I now feel that he is put off by this and maybe even a little jealous. How do you are other members of the group suggest handling this?

GalaGirl 03-07-2013 03:24 AM

You could just ask him.
"I feel like you could be put off by my dating success and maybe even a little jealous. Is this how you actually feel or is my radar off?

I want to make sure I am meeting your wants, needs, and limits here and tending to our relationship even as we date others. Could you want to talk these realities over? About how to handle emotional management so we are still good and healthy as a couple as we explore this dating world? You know you can tell me things and talk to me right? I'm checking in here.
Then let him disclose or not.

You cannot FORCE him to disclose. But you could be more at peace knowing YOU are holding up your end of the stick by giving safe space and opportunity for him to disclose if he wants to.

Everyone has to hold their own baggage.


writingholiday 03-07-2013 04:55 AM

We've run into the same thing. I think every swinging and polyamorous couple experiences this. If not, then my question is, dude what's your secret?

It is very easy for my wife to met men since there is so many out there looking for casual relationships and one night stands. As for me, I've had very little luck. This usually leaves me feeling a bit more insecure than jealous, but it is still a feeling that I have difficulty transcending. She has gone on hiatus for the last couple months until I can get something going. It's been tough for her having to say no and her patience is wearing thin.

The main thing is to be very open with your spouse. Make sure he knows when your planning to meet or get physically involved with someone. Make sure he's comfortable with it. It may be tempting to hide stuff to avoid confrontations, but that is not what this is about.

Shannanigan 03-10-2013 06:44 AM

I second GalaGirl's suggestion, and offer my experience in addition: it took perhaps a year of being "open" with my long-term boyfriend before he met a woman he was comfortable enough with, and who was comfortable enough with him and me, to date. In that time, I'd slept with three other men. It's an unfortunate reality, but staying open and honest with one another about your feelings and concerns is the only way you'll have a chance at navigating this journey productively.

Amorlee 03-13-2013 05:39 AM

Thank you for your input everyone. I have discussed this with him and I believe if I understand him correctly he has opted to just be monogamous. He has not stated that I have to be, but that he just feels that it is not for him right now and maybe ever. I am not looking to have a parade of partners in my life now or ever mater of fact I have only one other person that I have been involved with.
I am not the type of person to have casual relationships, or one night stands. For me it is really about connecting in all ways. I think this may be what has had him worried in the past. the fear of me becoming to connected to another that he gets left out and does not get the amount of attention that he needs. I have tried to be more mindful of this lately and been more careful to not be so talkative about my other. It could very well be that the NRE was causing some of the problems. That has settled now.

kdt26417 03-14-2013 02:16 AM

Yes, NRE can lead us into talking about our "new relationship" more than our "established partner" is really comfortable with. I know this by sad experience. :(

Glad to hear things are going better.

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