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-   -   Lesbian couple & polyamorous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42052)

dshaz6344 03-06-2013 05:03 AM

Lesbian couple & polyamorous
We are a lesbian couple new to this concept/lifestyle and would like to know where can we find other like minded lesbians that would be open to this kind of relationship. Other than belonging to our local meet up group, is there a way to meet just lesbian polyamorous ladies?

Thanks for any advice you all can provide!

RfromRMC 03-13-2013 04:13 PM

Welcome to the site.

As a gay poly guy, I do not know of any polyamory sites or services that are LGBT-specific. I really think starting with you local poly community and your local lgbt community---and trying to form a bridge between the two---is your best bet. It has worked for me so far, as I do outreach & awareness activities between the two, and have met my most recent significant other that way!

For meeting people online there's polymatchmaker.com as the main poly-only dating site and then OKcupid is a mainstream site that's considered the most poly-friendly.

Good luck!

opalescent 03-13-2013 08:20 PM

My local poly community just started a poly discussing group focused on queer women. I agree with R, look in both your local poly and queer communities. If it doesn't exist, I encourage you to start one.

dshaz6344 03-14-2013 02:28 AM

Awesome advice, we have joined our local poly group and will start from there. Also regarding the poly dating sites, if you are using a poly friendly dating site like ok cupid do you divulge your polyamorous lifestyle in your "about me" or just leave your profile as "seeing someone" and looking for friends without mentioning anything regarding poly in your profile until a 1:1 convo has been started with someone?

I have read a few threads that have shown concern over finding dates on these sites when polyamorous is mentioned outright. Not sure if people just say that they are "single" to get dates then drop the bomb or are honest from the getgo?

We are finding that on okcupid with being honest about our poly relationship in our profile, we get alot of lookers but for the most part we are getting snubbed. Any advice?

Storm 04-08-2013 08:29 AM

Hi dshaz6344,

I know what you mean. Coming out as a lesbian to my family and friends was a piece of cake compared to coming out a poly. Every single person I've spoken with doesn't understand what it really is and often confuse it with polygamy. It is so hard to get people to understand you really can love more than one person at the same time. Anyway, I'm a bit off on a tangent there. To your question, is it possible to maybe try to become friends with people on places like ok cupid first and then explain your situation? They might be more willing to listen then. I wouldn't get involved romantically though without being honest about your situation. I think it would only lead to disaster, but that's just my opinion.

Best of luck to you both!

Vixtoria 04-08-2013 11:50 AM


Originally Posted by dshaz6344 (Post 190687)

We are finding that on okcupid with being honest about our poly relationship in our profile, we get alot of lookers but for the most part we are getting snubbed. Any advice?

Personally, I've found what works best on profiles on OKC is to explain. I don't just say I'm poly, I explain what that means to me, which is romantic relationships, honesty, openness, whether I am looking for long term or not. I also do explain that I am not looking to date couples together but am open to dating individual people that may be in a relationship with each other.

Now saying that, if you just list what you are looking for or not looking for, it's typically a turn off. Talk about you, then add in at the bottom the important stuff. Oh and be prepared for a lot of wading. No matter how I say not interested I still get couples and guys that want a 'discreet meeting'. Still, if you are willing to wade through it, you will find those pearls in the dust!

BoringGuy 04-08-2013 01:29 PM


Originally Posted by dshaz6344 (Post 190687)

We are finding that on okcupid with being honest about our poly relationship in our profile, we get alot of lookers but for the most part we are getting snubbed. Any advice?

Yes i have some advice. You're getting "snubbed" because you are searching as a couple, you use one profile for two people, and you are writing in all plural pronouns "our", "we", etc. If you have narrowed your search by other criteria such as location, age, gender, appearance, interests, etc. then it's no wonder your dating pool is virtually zero on that site.

What i have said here is not new news. There may be a few individuals on this site that perceive this advice as "anti-couple bigotry", but i'm just telling it like it is. You DID ask for it.

Vixtoria 04-08-2013 01:31 PM

Also, ^^ this.

It's daunting to think that if I am going to date someone it's not that I am dating SOMEONE. It's that I have to date two people as a unit. It automatically puts me in an awkward position. What if I like one more than the other? Am drawn to one more than the other? What if I'm third wheel the entire time??

Do two separate profiles. Link to each other if you want.

Sorry totally didn't catch that you had one profile for two people. You are individuals, you are looking for an individual.

dshaz6344 04-08-2013 04:11 PM

Thanks all for the responses and advice! Just a note-we do not have a single profile for the both of us. We did at one point have 2 separate profiles. We have now decided to just have me be the only one with the profile and have mentioned in the "about me" section that "I" am in an open/poly relationship. This has helped greatly than where we were before with stating outright I am poly and that "we" were looking for someone.

I do agree that unless you have 2 separate profiles, only having 1 and stating "I" instead of "we" will be less intimidating and somewhat relieves the pressure of having to date both of us a couple or even thinking it has to be that way.

Thanks again everyone!

BoringGuy 04-08-2013 06:43 PM

In that case i would hazard a guess that you're doing everything as right as can be expected, but just haven't come across anyone who is interested in what you have to offer.

Another thing is, are you looking for like, a total lesbian to be polyfidelitous with you two? You might consider expanding your criteria to bisexual women ( there are women who id as pan or bi but prefer women to men, or don't have to get involved with men just because they could be), or women who are or want to see other people. People might not be "turned off" or "scared away" by your profile, they might just think "well, it says what they're looking for, another lesbian, and that's not what i am." or something along those lines.

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