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-   -   trying to work myself out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4204)

brambles38 11-13-2010 02:17 AM

trying to work myself out
 
Hello everyone,

I really need to speak with poly people right now.

I've just come out of an 8 year relationship which we established as 'open' about 4 years ago. In that time I had 2 short-term relationships with other people. My boyfriend was jealous but we worked through it.

It was my idea to open the relationship, partly because I met people who I wanted to be closer to and partly because there were emotional & intimacy needs that were not being met for me in my main relationship. It's for this last reason that I have ended it. It was a messy break up as in the meantime I met another person during a trip to Europe. My boyfriend's response was so explosive and abusive I knew I wasn't willing to work through it again, and the relationship was not worth saving in any case. I see now that I did kind of insist on an open thing and he wasn't totally happy about it. But truthfully, I could not have stayed in that 8 year relationship if I did not have more satisfying though brief connections with others. It's unhealthy, I know. But I am being honest. I am working on salvaging our friendship now.

Meantime, I have connected deeply with the person in Europe and now have overwhelming NRE in our agonising LDR. I had already planned to relocate to Europe before this new relationship formed so we have been talking a lot about things we will do as friends (travel etc) and then see what happens from there.

In many way, it's too soon for me to have a relationship with another person. I am working through very new insights and confusions from my recent break up..my feelings of insecurity, of being too much and too intense in the long-term, and that's why my main boyfriend withheld emotional love and truly loving sex, etc. I am starting to project those insecurities on my LDR relationship though I do my best to not vocalise them.

I know I was very happy having multiple relationships but I am not sure if I truly am polyamorous or just a damaged monogamous person. I definitely have developed issues around believing I don't really deserve to have my needs met... I would loathe to have that spill over into one relationship again let alone two or more. And yet, sometimes, a relationship is the best place to work through those things, in a healthy way. I do recognize I need to establish my independent identity again though.

The NRE is wonderful for me but also raises a lot of fear. But when I think of it simply as NRE and not of me as being so in love that this ONE person is the ONLY one for me, for however long it lasts, I feel a lot better in ways. The new person says he may want to be mono when I am there. This fills me with joy and fear. Joy at being definitely wanted, fear that I will hurt another person, if I really am poly. I have told him I am trying to figure out where my head is at with poly and he is fine with it.But the fact he is mono but considers himself quite single right now kind of hurts me. I consider myself available yet deeply emotionally attached and I will take into account our attachment from here on, with new people I meet. The mono mindset scares me because I feel he is looking for the next ONE person. But at the same time, I do kind of want him to myself for a bit when we are together again.

Am I using poly to cope with my insecurities?


I do feel muddled. Hope that was clear.

redpepper 11-13-2010 05:01 AM

I don't think you can really use poly to cope with your insecurities necessarily.. perhaps you need to make sure you don't fall hook line and sinker for this new love right now so you can heal and want to be sure that you don't hurt him by giving yourself some boundaries and space to see how it feels and if anyone else interesting comes along... it sounds pretty honest to me. You aren't promising anything and aren't leading him on.

What would worry me is if you say these things and then become entwined and spout of your undying love for him only and then turn around and say "actually, remember that poly thing, well, I guess I really am."

If you make sure that the poly card is on the table then you can bring it up a year from now, 10 and it will still stand. As long as you and he know that it isn't just going to go away, that you have already addressed it, but it's on hold why you and he enjoy each others company until such time as you are ready and it feels like the right time to look at poly again... go enjoy this new romance, what the hell, love is for enjoying I think.


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