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pintocb 03-04-2013 09:23 PM

Hello....and help....
I apologize....this is likely to be long. If it should be moved to another board that's fine.

The idea of polyamory is something my wife and I are exploring. She has recently (six months ago) reconnected with an old HS boyfriend. It began as online flirting, and ended up with explicit media being send back and forth as well as descriptions of what they would really like to do to one another. His wife is totally against it, so it never came to fruition in RL, which was frustrating for her. I am very open minded, and supported her throughout this process, even though there were times I was threatened by it. She and I are both good communicators, and we have a very honest relationship.

Initally, I was under the impression her desire was based on a lack of experience. I am her second husband, and she has only slept with two men. Myself, and her first husband. Similarly, I have only slept with two women, my current wife, and my first wife. When this was about a sexual experience with someone she liked and trusted it was not difficult for me to understand or accept.

As that connection deteriorated, she reconnected with ANOTHER guy from HS, who lives nearby, and is single. It turns out that he was madly in love with her in HS.....nearly 25 years ago....but still has lingering, unresolved strong feelings for her. They have been dating for about two months. The more I watch this, the more uneasy I become. She assures me that this is not causing any type of deterioration in her feelings for me, and I believe her. But it is beginning to cause ME to feel differently. In hopes of clarity I began searching online for understanding, which led me to the term "polyamorus". We aren't sure if she is poly or not, or even if "poly" has a narrow, clear cut definition.....it seems to me that it is more of a concept or idea than a state of being....I am beginning to suspect that she is wired to be with more than one person, and I am not. I want nothing more than for her to want only me in this personal, intimate way. (to be clear, I'm not referring to sex....I'm referring to a deep, intimate, emotional connection on many levels....)

If I ask her to stop pursuing him as a partner, the feelings will remain, as will her nature. That doesn't help us.

If I don't ask her to stop, I'm afraid my feelings will continue to deteriorate and it will harm our relationship. More than it has already.....:(

I really want to be able to accept this in her. I want to be able to wrap my heart around it and embrace compersion, but I'm struggling. I'm considering seeing a counselor....but I find they are frequently biased and I'm not looking for bias. I am completely willing to change.....but how do you change your very nature?

Thank you for reading, and for any advice you have to offer. I haven't read many of this forums, and if there is a link to one that is similar I apologize for being redundant.


kdt26417 03-05-2013 05:01 AM

Greetings Cb,
Welcome to our forum.

Some links that might help you locate a poly-friendly counselor:


In what way are your feelings deteriorating? What kinds of emotions are you experiencing? What kind of thoughts are going through your mind?

Mono/poly relationships have been known to work, but the monogamous partner often has to experience a mourning period for the monogamous dream he/she had that is now coming to and end.

If she is caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy), she may be neglecting you without realizing it. Ask for the attention and reassurance you need.

Have a look around at our various threads, and post any questions you may have.

Kevin T.

pintocb 03-10-2013 06:47 PM

We're doing better. I'm dealing with low self esteem issues that make accepting her new interest a difficult thing. She realizes that and is progressing really slowly for my benefit, a display of love that I understand and value. The more I think about this the less inclined I am to believe we are all "wired" one way or another. This is about choice. She has met someone, and connected with them. She wants to make the deliberate choice to see where it goes. I'm going to make the deliberate choice to support her. It isn't the easiest path, but it's the right one.

Wish me luck. :)


kdt26417 03-10-2013 07:24 PM

Much luck is wished, Cb. I am glad things are going a little better for you, and I agree with you that polyamory and monogamy have a lot to do with the choices we make.

Kevin T.

learninginTN 03-15-2013 03:42 PM

Welcome to the forums. Good luck to you as you embark on this journey. If there's any advice at all I can impart, it is to NOT let your W ignore your emotional and physical needs. The NRE is going to be tough to deal with, and you're doing the right thing in coming here for support.

If after a reasonable period of time you've found you just can't adjust to the idea, let your feelings be known in a clear and direct fashion. And never be afraid to voice concerns when things are uncomfortable for you. Establish some boundaries that need to be observed to keep you in your comfort zone.

I wish you guys well.

GalaGirl 03-15-2013 04:55 PM

Glad you are better.

You sound to me like you could be talking about changing a core belief in you and working toward that.


That is one general article on changing a core belief.

Here's some Labriola:

That talks about feelings like demotion, displacement, intruded upon, etc.


She covers some core beliefs there and changing them

This is Wagner and she covers jealousy in terms of being a "flag" emotion with other emotions underneath it. Could really check into the page 5 and 6 things.

I do not know if those things could help you come to terms with being a monoamorous person loving a polyamorous person and thriving as an endpoint in a "V" shape open relationship model where your wife is the "hinge" or "shared sweetie."

(you + {wife) + Other}

Could take the time to do some soul searching... could take the time to try it out and see like you are doing. Give it a good try if you want to -- but think about giving that "Experiment Time" and end point to get the Final Word.

Do not compromise your values if they cannot be changed and do not engage in less than self-respecting behavior just to stay in it here. Don't bury feelings if they come up a lot. That's a good way to build resentments in each of you.

If you come to find the Final Word is yes -- you are monoamorous AND monogamous who wants a monoship -- and cannot function as a monoarmous in a polyship in a healthy way? Accept it.

There is nothing wrong with ending the romance layer to your relationship and staying friends. You changed before right? You can change again. Once you were strangers, then changed to friends, then changed to BF/GF then changed to marrieds... you can handle more change. You will be ok and you do not have to "lose" her. You both could choose to evolve your relationship to another place and still enjoy each other in your lives.

Like... keep it real and go into it prepared. You know?

I'm hoping you guys do great in your unfolding journey.

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