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-   -   three point summary of an open relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4191)

redpepper 11-12-2010 04:29 AM

three point summary of an open relationship
 
This three point summary is from the link below... thoughts?

Path toward better open relationships. The three-point summary:

1. Inviting people to share responsibility with you allows for more fun than trying to control them.

2. There's enough (intimacy, love, sex, attention, etc.) to go around.

3. These two above ideas constitute a different paradigm for relationships than the commonly held belief of scarcity and needing to control one's lovers. If there's a conflict I'm aware of it's not between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship models but between a world view premised on abundance and autonomy vs one premised on scarcity and the need to control those in one's sphere. The two world views are not compatible, there isn't a happy mid-point compromise between them, and they aren't equally good at guiding people to be decent to each other. If you're living your life in abundance and dating somebody who believes they live in scarcity, they're the one whose world-view needs to change.

http://dirtysurface.com/ask-the-porn...polyamory-work

ray 11-12-2010 04:48 AM

The scarcity vs. abundance idea is one that's been on my mind for the last 7 years or so. A christian theologian brought it up and the idea is one that's stuck. I've found it a difficult paradigm shift to make. I've had a hard time letting go and trusting there to be enough love for everyone. Trying poly has been the only experience during which i've seen any progress on this in my own life. :)

redpepper 11-12-2010 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ray (Post 52311)
A christian theologian brought it up and the idea is one that's stuck.

How does abundance vs scarcity relate outside of poly? What was the context?

ray 11-12-2010 05:48 AM

Aha... I believe these are the quotes I was referring to.

"The problem with Christian culture is that we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money...I was guilty of using love like money, withholding it to get somebody to be who I wanted them to be....I replaced economic metaphor, with something different, a free gift metaphor...That is instead of withholding my love to change somebody, pouring it on them lavishly..." Donald Miller

"While the greedy see the world with limited resources, the generous always operate from an abundance mentality. The greedy take to ensure they will never be without; the generous give without fear. Generosity is the natural overflow of love." Erwin McManus

The abundance vs. scarcity applies to many aspects of life (relationships, finance, education, etc).
I think that when I read these as a young teen, I saw them primarily in relationship to people since money wasn't on my radar screen. In my family, love and affection were tools and weapons, given when "merited" and withheld to punish. So this idea seemed so beautiful to me and it still does. That love isn't like tokens at an arcade that can be spent. It's much bigger than that. Obviously both of these quotes come from christian theology. I'm not sure where I am with that these days. I know that I feel that fear, that fear that I'll be without (usually referring to love and affection). It can be hard to trust that love is there.

Tonberry 11-12-2010 06:22 AM

That abundance vs scarcity thing reminds me of Franklin Veaux's blog. He does mention that people seem to rush in relationship with the first person that doesn't run away, for fear that they might not get another chance, while in his opinion being in love with someone doesn't mean you'll be a good partner for them or that the relationship will work.
He also say that he's always acted like relationships are abundant, and they just come to him, and people who act like they're scarce seem to have behaviours that push other people away because they seem too desperate.

Breathesgirl 11-12-2010 10:58 AM

I am finding that the more love I give the more I get in return.

I've always had the opinion that I'd rather have one really good friend than 20 people who were only around when they thought it would benefit them.

To my mind it's similar to the church tithing. You give to the church and God gives back to you. I give my love freely, without expectation, and I receive it back many times over. Maybe not right then but on down the road when I might need it more than I do right now.

redpepper 11-12-2010 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 52307)
If there's a conflict I'm aware of it's not between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship models but between a world view premised on abundance and autonomy vs one premised on scarcity and the need to control those in one's sphere.

I like this part myself. He is not blaming monogamy for the conflict, but the fact that some people believe in scarcity as a way to control a relationship.

vodkafan 11-12-2010 08:15 PM

Our kids used to sing a song at nursery years ago. Can't remember all the words. But it was that love is like a Magic Penny. If you keep it to yourself you have a penny but if you give it away you get more pennies back. Something like that. I guess this is the same thing.

redpepper 11-12-2010 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 52307)
If you're living your life in abundance and dating somebody who believes they live in scarcity, they're the one whose world-view needs to change.

I wish he'd said "in his opinion" here as it is his opinion and a judgment... ah well.

@vodkafan- I remember that one! It was a song... I remember it all being very confusing to me... but in terms of relationships, I get it. in terms of values I have, I get it.

Derbylicious 11-12-2010 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 52389)
I wish he'd said "in his opinion" here as it is his opinion and a judgment... ah well.

@vodkafan- I remember that one! It was a song... I remember it all being very confusing to me... but in terms of relationships, I get it. in terms of values I have, I get it.

I remember it too:

Love is something if you give it away,
give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away
you end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have many
lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor.

It's one of the only good messages that church ever gave me as a child.


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