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-   -   Remember me? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4189)

Catfish 11-11-2010 08:20 PM

Remember me?
It's been a while, gang. But here I am with a heart full of uncertainty, seeking your wisdom.

I'll cut to the chase. RC (my wife) and I have discussed polyamory for over a year and have had one unsuccessful attempt at it with a lady friend of mine. RC recently got the opportunity to expand a long standing friendship she's had with a very good guy and, well, shit's getting real.

I've had plenty of time to come to terms with their love for one another and I see it as a very healthy and wonderful thing for both of them as well as myself. He and I are good friends and respect one another tremendously. He is a wonderful addition to the family. Their love does not bother me at all, quite the opposite really. I love that she's in love. I see her happiness and feel joy that I can be a part of her feeling it. The trouble comes when I think of them being physical. I know they love each other passionately and they both want to express that sexually. I just can't get past not feeling ok about it. When it comes up I take on the posture of a pouty child. I feel myself close off and not want to talk. I want to throw my hands up, say "Fine, just do it." and then separate myself from the whole situation. Obviously, that's not going to happen. And, thank the heavens, they are both doing their best to move at the speed of my comfort level.

I'm not afraid of loss. Our marriage is more solid than it's ever been. We communicate better and better all the time. She truly makes me feel safe in the fact that she is my full on partner for life. So that's not the problem. I just seem to hit a wall when the subject of sex comes up. I get very uncomfortable talking about it. They have both asked me what they can do to make me feel better and I can't come up with a God Damned thing, because I honestly have no idea how to get over this. I think I just need some outside perspective.

What has worked for you in this situation?

MonoVCPHG 11-11-2010 08:55 PM


Originally Posted by Catfish (Post 52277)
I just seem to hit a wall when the subject of sex comes up. I get very uncomfortable talking about it.

What has worked for you in this situation?

If you like this guy, feel secure in you relationship with RC and are sure they are sexually safe then I ask "why does the topic have to come up"? In dealing with sex between RP and her tertiary, who I am not comfortable with as far as actually seeing it or thinking about it but am otherwise fine with, I simply don't do it. I know that they are intimate and that is it. I don't need to know when, where or how as long as my health is not affected. So if we accept that our partner is going to be sexually active with some one do we really need to know the details? Can we not just feel ok with hearing "we have become intimate"? Don't make a big deal about the first time, no mental build up to torture yourself.
The only reason I can see for needing more details is if we have a subconscious desire to control parts of their sexual activity or share in it for those that like that. Some people have certain acts they want left off the table. If that is not the case and safety is the only issue (as long as it only involves them and not an unknown group sex dynamic or something) then why get into the nitty gritty. Boundaries can be broad and unspecific - condoms, testing which includes other people who are indirectly adding to the mix, that sort of thing.

Just thoughts my friend.
Take care :)

Danny40179 11-11-2010 10:01 PM

As usual Mono has a wonderful suggestion. Not the route that I was going to go, but upon reading that may be the better option.

I'm a fan of communication. You said that you've all talked about what can be done to help and you can think of nothing. What is it about her having a sexual relationship with someone that she loves deeply that shuts you down? That's the question you need to ask yourself, when you're getting ready to go to bed and you're going over the day. You know, that point when you're most honest with yourself.

Is there a feeling of inadequacy of some sort? I'm not implying that, merely trying to dissect the issue.

The cup is always half full in my world, so things will work out for you.

vodkafan 11-12-2010 01:13 AM

I am with Mono here. I don't see why the subject has to come up at all. In my case we all agreed at the beginning not to discuss such stuff. I don't think about it at all. Even in the beginning I didn't.

redpepper 11-12-2010 05:18 AM

I think you said it wasn't the discussing that you wanted it was relief from imagining them together... is that right?

The way I have dealt with this in terms of sex parties that my friends have and now don't bother inviting me to :p is that I imagine them all fucking each other. Different people coupling up, helping each other, what they must be like having sex, what their private parts look like... I walk right through it. Perhaps it is better than actually being there, because I go through all of it in my mind and can shut it off when I want.

It's like what I do with jealousy, I take the time and space to really get into the worst case scenario so that nothing phases me... I allow myself to go into all the detail and bring myself out the other side so that I see that there is another side... in terms of my polyfuckery friends, we will all go to karaoke in a few weeks, we will all update our status on fb, we will all go to work monday morning... nothing really changes other than they have more connection to each other and I don't. They have a shared experience and I don't... I walk myself through what I think has happened for them as a result and how I fit in with that too.

You are not invested as much as RC to this man but he is your friend... perhaps making the decision to invest less in that friendship would be helpful.. at least for the time being anyways. This seems to work for me anyways. When I struggle with what some people do I chose to pull away and invest elsewhere. Besides, metamour relationships are different from friendships and perhaps backing off from friendship once he intimately knows your wife would help. I know it makes me feel threatened when I know someone has been intimate with someone I have... I feel uncomfortable and like we are all in the know now, yet I don't know what you do, and you don't know what I do and that is just awkward and makes it all less special for a time.

After sex, it might be an idea to make sure he doesn't expect a pat on the back and we are right back to being pals thing happening... it might take a long time to be close to him again if perhaps ever again... that happens and is completely valid and okay. It is a good idea I think to make him aware that that might happen for you and what you need from him in that regard. ie, back off. It might happen with RC too and that is also okay. You don't have to be okay with this and be all glowy and compersiony right away. You are allowed to react and be emotional I think... it will bring up stuff that you don't even know is there yet, so respect that and take it as it comes.

gomugirl1656 11-12-2010 04:45 PM

My experience
I had the same problem of not wanting my hubby to have sex with someone we were friends with. It really bothered me.

However, I knew the problem was with me. I wanted them to enjoy their time and express their feelings fully and experience what they had to, I felt compersion everywhere but sex.

My family was abusive where sex was concerned and I was made to watch my very open parents as a child. Being present with them struck a nerve. I was also afraid that what I was hearing or in some cases seeing was more wonderful for him than what we had.

So after much jealousy, crying and throwing things (that's me) I decided that we would try something else. What if I just wasn't present. I didn't want to hear about it, or anything. I would just plan something to do with engaging friends or her husband away from where they were. Over time (about three months) this worked out for me I began to accept that it was happening, avoided eww factor of watching or being in the house with them and learned that my relationship wasn't threatened at all by their love life.

The important thing for me was to step into the uncomfortable and see what I really could handle and what I couldn't. My relationship with my husband only got better instead of what I had feared. We remained good friends with them even after the sexual relationship ended. I like to charge through stuff though so maybe not a great idea for you. But just my experience. It just happened to work out for me.

Catfish 11-12-2010 07:42 PM

Thank you all for your advice. This is why this forum is so great.

They are spending a couple days together and I'm headed up north with my band for a couple shows and some time to sort through my thought on this. And there's lots to sort through.

Rarechild 11-15-2010 03:00 PM

I remember you, every moment of every day, remember you because you are my heart and I simply can't feel anything anymore without feeling you too.

Shine, my love, like you always do. There is no end to my love for you.

GroundedSpirit 11-15-2010 03:20 PM


Originally Posted by Catfish (Post 52277)
I'm not afraid of loss. Our marriage is more solid than it's ever been. We communicate better and better all the time. She truly makes me feel safe in the fact that she is my full on partner for life. So that's not the problem. I just seem to hit a wall when the subject of sex comes up. I get very uncomfortable talking about it.

What has worked for you in this situation?

Hey Catfish,

Well, what has worked for me and others I know is pretty basic.
It's just how you view the role of 'sex' from both a human perspective and within a relationship.

What...seriously...is the big deal ?

Sex is a normal, bodily function built into us.
How do you get it put up on a pedestal above so many other things we need to survive ?

If you've been around here long you've probably seen some of my food analogies. But in case not, I'll offer up the quick version again here.

Would you have some huge issue/conflict with your mate and BF going out to some new, nice restaurant and having a nice meal ? I doubt it.

But you have some issue with them going in the other room and having a nice orgasm - or 10.

Orgasms burn calories - not accumulate them.
Orgasms stimulate all the 'happy' hormones the same as a good meal does.

Happy is good - for everyone.

So where, exactly, IS the problem ?

In our head - that's where. It's all in how you view things.
We create our own reality - right ?



Magdlyn 11-15-2010 06:20 PM

My gf is finally "in like with" a man who has pursued her and found her across several dating/fetish sites. They had their first date a few days ago.

I know they've been chatting online extremely graphically about what kinds of sex and bdsm play they are planning on doing together when the time seems right. I get a little jealous, yeah. But I know their sex together won't be better than the sex she and I have together, just different. Our sex is phenomenal. And since I am a woman, she is a transgender woman, and she's found a cis-gendered guy who confirms her female gender, it will just make her a happier and more whole person for me to enjoy.

Of course, I've had lots of partners, lots of sex (and warm fond feelings, if not full on "being in love" feelings) since she and I met 21 months ago. So, how could I be so hypocritical as to not "allow" her the same fun and fantastic feelings with another partner?

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