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-   -   Have you ever wanted more from a partner? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4180)

Jodi 11-10-2010 01:58 PM

Have you ever wanted more from a partner?
 
good morning. has anyone ever felt that their polymorous relationship was at a standstill? like you want a deeper connection to the person, but it's not happening?

i feel like that now, but i don't want to push the issue, bcz i feel that i should be happy w/ the loving that i get....and give. i do kind of feel it's unbalanced, that i care a bit more, but he says that he just doesn't verbalize it. i try to discuss, hint, etc. i havne't discussed this w/ his wife, one of my best friends. she not that receptive to deep discussions and suffers pretty badly from ADD. we have spoken about some things tho, but mainly we joke around, and share loving our children.

i can't believe how much it's been bumming me out lately. it's been 6 months that we're together and i adore him. i respect their space and create no drama, and it has gone really well. these feelings are coming about a little stronger now. i sometimes feel like an afterthought, and it's not a good feeling. i've even thought about stopping seeing him one evening per night.

thanks. i feel like i need a hug, reassurance. ugh.

Wayne 11-10-2010 02:15 PM

It's hard to tell what you "should" be getting, and really hard to tell the difference between "doing the best he can in his situation" and "he's really not that into you".

We've been up against a similar thing. An LDR that claims to be unhappy where he is, but spent a few years (and counting) not moving. But he loves her, or so he says? What's the deal?

What does your guy do to show he cares?

Jodi 11-10-2010 03:04 PM

right, i understand wht you mean, he's far away, but one/I and perhaps ur wife needs to validated, or have my feelings validated.

i think it might be something as simple as seeing him more tbh. the one night per week goes so fast. tonight's our night, so i'll see how it goes.

i really appreciate you replying to my post.

what does he do to show he cares?
- fixes little things at my place when he comes over

- texts me back when i text him that i want his body...he has trouble sexting, so i've lightened up on that. but puts lots of x's and o's on text.

- kisses and hugs me when we're together

thanks wayne.

- he watches my children along w/ his so his wife/my friend and i can go out.

- he'll say that he really appreciates dinner or that i look hot.

lol, this all sounds silly. but it's the truth. i hv tothink about this more.

gwendolenthefair 11-10-2010 03:23 PM

YES. I want so much more from my boyfriend. I want a future with him. But the cards are against us. He's 28, I'm 46. My kids are half grown and I'm not having any more, and I already have a wonderful husband whom I adore. Boyfriend wants a primary partner of his own, and although I could theoretically move him in with us and consider him co-primary with my husband down the road, I don't think he wants that. He wants his own wife, and maybe a family of his own too, and neither he, or I, really think he's committed to being poly for the long haul anyway. He only came to this lifestyle as a workaround for a sexless marriage, which is likely to end within the year anyway.

I feel myself falling for him and I resist it as hard as I can. I know he sees me as a good friend he can sleep with, even though he's too gentlemanly to think about it like that consciously. He's charming and sweet and caring but not romantic in the slightest. It's probably better for me that he isn't, because then I'd be a goner, and it would be that much harder losing him down the road.

I'm just trying to live in the moment and cherish my time with him while I have it.

Jodi 11-10-2010 03:47 PM

gwendolyn, that is so bittersweet. howdo you know that once u are divorced (i hope i read that correctly) that u and he can't build a future together.

i understand about the kid thing tho. at 46...i'm 40 something too...u don't want to start making babies again.

i admire your strength, bcz it must be hard...sounds like you're in limbo.

can you talk to him more about the future, there may be other solutions? he may not be comfortable in a mono relationship w/ another woman down the line.

i wish you the best. affairs of the heart.

gwendolenthefair 11-10-2010 04:02 PM

Hi Jodi. It's actually boyfriend's marriage that is likely ending down the road, because his wife figured out she's gay and no longer wants to be married to a man. He'd actually stay in the marriage if it was up to him, he still loves her despite the fact that she treats him like dirt, from what I can see. My own marriage is still great after 22 years together, four of them poly. So I can't offer boyfriend marriage, and I certainly can't offer him kids of his own. And he says he was perfectly comfortable with monogamy, until his wife dropped the "Guess, what, I'm gay" bomb. C'est la vie, right?

Thanks so much for your words of support, it's great to be able to communicate with people who actually get what this feels like. My mono friends and relatives would just say, you love your husband, why would anyone want more than that?

Company 11-10-2010 05:38 PM

I've been in a septagonal polyamorous relationship for almost a month now with my fiance and five other people who I've been really close to-- some more physically than others-- for several years now. That pales in comparison to the experience already present in the dialog here, but I've been feeling in a similar way.

My fiance and I have gone through ups and downs in our monogamous relationship over the years. We've had many problems from simply wanting more time together, a change in our routine, or more effort in how we each sustain the relationship (i.e. emotional involvement, school/work). We have several people in our lives that we've tried to use as examples or archetypes. For instance, her parents (like us) are highschool sweethearts who have tried swinging. My aunt and uncle are hippies (enough said). We initially came to this forum also looking for advice and insight, and I think out of all of the sources we've examined, it's my father who gave me the fittest solution.

When it comes to how you handle a relationship-- who does more, or what's expected of each person-- there is no right answer. You do what you feel your partner needs. If you need something you aren't getting, ask for it. If the answer is no, and you can't deal with that, then get out.

There isn't much more you can do, unless you're like me and you enjoy intensive masochism and self inflicted misery :\ Don't be like me lol.

openmarriagelove 11-10-2010 08:09 PM

I have the same thing going on over here, except I've been with my boyfriend for four years now. It even feels weird calling him "boyfriend" because I don't know that he even considers himself that. I told him I loved him recently and I can't get him to validate the feelings back in words, but his actions show it. I'm trying to be ok with that, but it's very hard and I'm having a very hard time with it. I sometimes feel like I'm an idiot for putting in so much effort to make this relationship happy and wonderful for him, where he just tends to put in effort when it's convenient for him and it's not very convenient that often. Just like now he hasn't gotten in touch with me for 6 days and I'm going nuts over here waiting for him, while I'm sure he's hardly even thought about me. i can't figure it out. It sucks. I won't lie.

MariusdeRomanus 11-10-2010 08:50 PM

Sometimes I feel like maybe I want more, but the desire for more that typically comes up the most is wanting to be further into the relationship than I am. We've only been dating the month or so like Company said, and sometimes I wish it was further down the road. I wish we had the feeling of a six-month relationship or something like that, where everyone was comfortable for the most part and things weren't so shaky. Of course, this is a desire I can't really have until that amount of time actually goes by, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I'm wondering if you could try compromising with him? I know that some partners aren't cool with doing things one way and it can sometimes clash with the other partner, but maybe you could find a way to get your validation and he can still be comfortable, too.

redpepper 11-11-2010 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodi (Post 52110)
good morning. has anyone ever felt that their polymorous relationship was at a standstill? like you want a deeper connection to the person, but it's not happening?

i feel like that now, but i don't want to push the issue, bcz i feel that i should be happy w/ the loving that i get....and give. i do kind of feel it's unbalanced, that i care a bit more, but he says that he just doesn't verbalize it. i try to discuss, hint, etc. i havne't discussed this w/ his wife, one of my best friends. she not that receptive to deep discussions and suffers pretty badly from ADD. we have spoken about some things tho, but mainly we joke around, and share loving our children.

i can't believe how much it's been bumming me out lately. it's been 6 months that we're together and i adore him. i respect their space and create no drama, and it has gone really well. these feelings are coming about a little stronger now. i sometimes feel like an afterthought, and it's not a good feeling. i've even thought about stopping seeing him one evening per night.

thanks. i feel like i need a hug, reassurance. ugh.

It could be that the whole thing has run it's course and that the relationship dynamic needs to change to something a little less formal... friends with benefits? intimate friends? a non-sexual boyfriend? a secondary relationship while you have a primary and so does he... ? don't be afraid to change things up, they can change again if you both find that you prefer something different... the whole thing is fluid and no one had to say good bye... just figure out what goals have come about and what new things you want to create in your life, and then embrace that and go for it.


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