Needing some help in dealing with this
Hello. I'm new to the forum and also sort of new to this whole thing.
I'm currently in a relationship with two guys who I love to pieces. My first relationship lasted nearly 5 years ago, the second started around September last year.
My first mate confessed he was into this. I wasn't very content at first, but I was having a hard time. The guy who ended up being my second mate now, he's been a really close friend for many years. I fell for him hard a long time ago and kept it to myself for many reasons, one of them was because I was taken.
I reached a point in where I started to feel very depressed over it. I loved them both, but it was painful as hell for me to make a decision. My first mate, then, told me that I knew what his views were, implying I could still ask my friend out. We all had a group conversation and, in the end, I accepted the proposition. My friend, surprisingly, was open minded enough to accept as well.
Now here's the thing. My first mate brought something up last night. He mentioned something about having a girl who maybe (keyword: maybe) has a crush on him. This lead to a conversation about what if someone fell for him and what he should do. It didn't go anywhere because we just talked about the possibility, there was no yes or no (yet).
This possibility kinda bugs me. I don't know if I'm okay seeing my mate getting intimate with someone else... but at the same time, I feel it's unfair not to allow him, when he has allowed me to date my friend. Two people have agreed with this too.
I'm not used at all to this sort of relationship, so I can't help but feeling that I've failed at something if he's considering dating other people when the chance appears. I can't help but feeling that he might find someone who provides what I can't provide, which would lead him to like me less. I appreciate the fact that he talks to me about this, but the whole talk makes me feel inferior, insecure, unloved, sad.
I also tend to be very jealous... I don't know how that'd work. I don't know if I'd be able to control my anger if he says "I love you" to some other girl. At the same time, I love him to death, so I don't think I want to leave him and become monogamous again. The thought of that depresses me.
I need advice. I don't know what to think about all this.
Note: I am NOT mad at my mate at all. I appreciate his honesty and the fact that we can communicate so well. I am just a very insecure person with a number of issues who was used to a certain lifestyle. I just need help in how to deal with this... new thing.
Sounds like you and I are feeling some of the same things. Everything is good when your partner says, "Sure! Date someone!" But when they do themselves or in your case just mention it, it feels like the world just turned upside down.
I'm only about a week into dealing with the idea myself, and my E has only had one make out session with someone. Ive had horrible dark days, great days, and normal days. It's getting better all the time, but I'm not out of the woods.
Hang in there, communicate a lot. You'll get there.
The best advice that I can give you about this sort of polyfidelitous relationship is talk it out. Express your opinions, emotions and feelings about how you feel about your first or second mate possibly adding someone else into the relationship. You need to disucss it as well as explain the costs of if he decides it. Clearly, the both of them love you, but my major question is, are you in a poly-triad or poly-vee. Depending on the type of relationship can explain different options and answers.
Perhaps I missed something GSAS082612, but I didn't get the impression that the OP was in a triad or that there was any agreement made for polyfidelity. I agree with the rest of your post, though; talk is good!
We sometimes talk about this. I think that if he suddenly came across someone who he falls for (let's say a friend) as I fell for my friend and said person reciprocates their feelings... I guess it wouldn't bug me as much, because things would be more genuine, and I don't want him to feel as miserable as I was when I felt I had to choose between him and my friend.
Now it would bug me a lot if he suddenly started to look for women. That would be a different story.
I hope my post makes sense.
Sounds like you want to be in a CLOSED "V" shape thing with you as the hinge person.
Sounds like at this time, you are NOT open to an "N" shape thing where your BF and you BOTH have another sweetie so BOTH of you are shared hinge people.
If you are not up for it, just say so honestly.
It is not about "fairness" like other people are cookies. You have one so... he gets one. It is about what you are willing to be in and can do WELL. If you are not willing, do not play in that shape. Better to be CLEAR about your wants, needs, and limits.
If you do not want to? Say so.
If you need to settle in here to THIS new normal first before contemplating other stuff? Say so.
If it is a soft limit, that could change over time say so.
If it is a hard limit, that will NEVER change, say so.
If it is an unknown limit, but still a limit, say so.
You sound like you are just getting used to a 3 people polymath configuration. Adding another player is changing up the polymath and changing the number of "mini relationships" inside the greater polyship.
I sure as heck would not want that right away. Stress is enough one bit at a time! It does not seem "fair" to my health to be piling on more crazy stress. A new person in the family ranks a 39 on the stress scale.
It may seem like just (BF 1 + Other) and only 39 hit points for stress.
But wait... Other has to get along with
"Other" does not have to be everyone's lover. Does not even have to be everyone's friend. But does Other GET ALONG decently with the other people in this polyship? Basic friendly and polite?
Even when making the repeat layer ones grey so they do not count? That's 9 mini relationships inside the potentiual 4 person polyship with "Other" in it. There are other mini relationships inside the bigger polyship that do not have Other in it. (You to yourself, you to BF1 alone, etc)
But just those where OTHER does appear? Nine. 9 x 39 stress hit points? Welcome to the land of 351 potential points if ALL those tiers are wobbly. Yay. Welcome the polyship health to the land of stress induced illness! :eek:
Now that's a worst case scenario. The ideal would be NO problems at all. 0 stress hit points. The reality is somewhere in between that range 0-351. Your polyship could work to reduce stress so that the polyship can take on the weight of adding a new player.
You are there, you know what your reality is and what the actual stress number could be if you ask your people where they stand and how they feel about it. You guys determine what you can afford to pay for the price of admission if you choose to Open again to include another player.
351 potentional risk points is enough of a price tag to take a pause to reflect and think it out REALLY WELL before going there. It can be done. But make sure ALL your players are fit for it and up for it.
WHAT are we taking on? Are we fit enough to go there?
WHEN could we go there to minimize stress?
HOW could we go there to minimize stress?
Everyone is responsible for their own well being.
This sounds so complicated...
It doesn't have to be. Lots of people manage without that "points" system or whatever it was.
Things can be as simple or as complicated as you make them.
"You get two, I get two"
This is something he told me. And he mentioned I was being hypocritical when I got upset that he might consider adding someone else. I asked him and he said he would be unhappy if he fell for someone and had to choose or reject them.
When I got with my friend, he said that a three way relationship was okay, that it would work just fine. Not too long ago he said that he was willing to accept more, but he didn't tell me for fear of me getting angry and dumping him, so he lied to me.
I showed this concern of his second partner having more partners, their partners having more partners and having a load of people involved, and he said that not all people are into that. My friend is not the kind who would date anyone else besides me, so I don't know what to believe.
I'm confused, can anyone explain me how the hell this works? I'm starting to feel stressed out again.
It doesn't have to be complicated. My point in listing all that is do NOT be afraid to say "NO, I do not want to Open again to include another person. This is plenty overwhelming as it is with 3 people in here!"
If more people would just own it and speak it straight up from the beginning? Then they wouldn't suffer later because they were too afraid to speak up and just put the brakes on it. They went against their own willingness and their own best healths for fear of "seeming selfish."
Well, it is what it is. THIS is what you can handle AT THIS TIME. No more, no less. Here is the limit right now.
YOU are responsible for your own well being. So just say no. "I'm happiest as the V in a closed polyship at this time. I do not want to be in a 4 person polyship. Too stressy to me. I'm not willing at this time. I am not ready at this time. "
There. Done. He can then make his next choice based on that information. You sent it off to his desk. Until the memo comes back on to your desk, it isn't your problem any more until it is your problem again.
I think you guys could sort out what you want for open relationship models. Talk it out.
It seems part of the reason you feel overwhelmed could be that you guys did not talk enough about the HOW to be in polyship together before jumping in. Could sort that out too. http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf
Hope you feel better soon.
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