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-   -   Mono for now... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4176)

Wayne 11-09-2010 07:45 PM

Mono for now...
 
As I mentioned elsewhere, my wife and the other guy have acknowledged their feelings for each other, but he's very hesitant to take the next step. This is understandable but frustrating.

She dated him for a while in high school, but never (even to this day) progressed to a physical relationship. She had a kind of "background" missing him all along but never really acknowledged it thinking that it wasn't meant to be... then when she found him a few years ago she found out that her family members intercepted letters between them and caused each to think the other had broken contact without warning or explanation!

Needless to say, this cast the end of their relationship in a whole new light.

River 11-09-2010 08:16 PM

That's a crappy thing the families did! I hope these two discover some more fulfilling way....

It's kind and perhaps couragious -- certainly loving -- of you to be so supportive.

How about you? Are you interested in possibly exploring other intimate bonds?

Wayne 11-09-2010 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 52018)
How about you? Are you interested in possibly exploring other intimate bonds?

It's fun to think about, but intimate bonds are also a hell of a lot of work. I'm not about to go looking for another one. Especially as hers is still in a holding pattern.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if being supportive of this particular situation is the most loving thing to do. But her judgement of people is far better than mine, so I'll stick with supportive until I see a really, really good reason not to.

I'm not a saint. The idea of her being with him is also a sexual fantasy of mine. And I want/need more time to myself than I thought I would when we started out, so having someone else pay attention to her might take some pressure off of me. (That said, I do enjoy getting some attention from her, and would not like that to stop!)

River 11-09-2010 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne (Post 52020)
Anyway, I sometimes wonder if being supportive of this particular situation is the most loving thing to do. But her judgement of people is far better than mine, so I'll stick with supportive until I see a really, really good reason not to.

Well, it does seem to drag on and on and.... So I can understand your wondering. Maybe what's best for you here is to simply be supportive of her in a general way--, rather than to "this particular situation". This could take the form of sharing any skepticism you may have about "this particular situation" and thus allowing her to do a "sounding board" thing with you. But I bet you've already been doing that.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne (Post 52020)
I'm not a saint. The idea of her being with him is also a sexual fantasy of mine. And I want/need more time to myself than I thought I would when we started out, so having someone else pay attention to her might take some pressure off of me. (That said, I do enjoy getting some attention from her, and would not like that to stop!)

That's pretty honest. And that's good!

Wayne 11-10-2010 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 52043)
Well, it does seem to drag on and on and.... So I can understand your wondering. Maybe what's best for you here is to simply be supportive of her in a general way--, rather than to "this particular situation". This could take the form of sharing any skepticism you may have about "this particular situation" and thus allowing her to do a "sounding board" thing with you. But I bet you've already been doing that.

Yeah, as much as I can. I don't want to repeat myself too much and discourage her from listening, but I do sometimes voice my doubts... and she does too. It's a tough balance, but I'm doing okay so far.

They were thinking about having a cyber "date" today... their first in a while... but no one knows if it's going to happen or not. I told her I think she should hold out until he shows up for real.

Maybe I should have a chat with him. Not a hostile or accusatory chat, just to get to know him, try to discover what he's dealing with, and see what improvements can be made.

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 52043)
That's pretty honest. And that's good!

Thanks, I'm trying. I've found that you can't really hope to solve any of your problems unless you first see things for what they really are, not what you'd like them to be (much less what you think others expect them to be!)

Selene 11-10-2010 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne (Post 52131)
Maybe I should have a chat with him. Not a hostile or accusatory chat, just to get to know him, try to discover what he's dealing with, and see what improvements can be made.

I think thats a really good idea. If I hadn't know my other lovers previously I would want to talk with them to get to know them better and I believe my primary would do the same thing. If you needed to maybe you could set some comfort levels too; I find it very beneficial just to have it all out in the open.

Good luck!

Wayne 11-14-2010 01:06 AM

Interestingly enough, my wife is a bit leery of me talking to the other guy. She says she doesn't want me to "scare him away" (???) and seems uncomfortable with the whole idea of us having regular contact or friendship or anything. She says he's also uncomfortable with that idea. She seems to me to imply that this discomfort with me is part of the reason for his nonappearance. This is clearly not good... I'm not going anywhere and if either of them was going to give up on their connection, they would have done so a long time ago, so if that's the case there's a bit of an impasse here.

FlameKat 11-14-2010 02:34 AM

?
 
It could be the guy is just really shy about the whole or a really private guy... It does send red flags up though...

It could be also that your wife is just really enjoying the romance and mystery of it all at the moment and doesn't want it to progress further herself (at this point?)...

Wayne 11-14-2010 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlameKat (Post 52524)
It could be also that your wife is just really enjoying the romance and mystery of it all at the moment and doesn't want it to progress further herself (at this point?)...

Funny you should say that.. right after you posted that I went to hang out with her in the bedroom while he was online and she was joking around with him and told me something along the lines of "I don't care anymore... if he comes he comes, if he doesn't, oh well!" So even though she can't quite break that connection, she's not as invested in having it progress further as that unbreakable connection would imply (to my mind at least).


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