Lost and not found....
I recently had a friend tell me that keeping a journal could be beneficial for me. So, I tried; however, in the process, I've discovered that while I may be able to hold an entire conversation with myself, there's no resolution within doing so. Therefore, I would like to tell my story and receive opinions and/or advice, if you will.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 15 years. We're happy and strong together. He has held me when I couldn't hold myself. He has loved me when I couldn't love anyone little lone myself. He has been my rock and continues to do so. J is one of those people that only come around once in a great blue moon. He's kind, genuine, quirky (in that adorable kind of way), loyal; he is everything most good women search for in a male partner.
After dappling in other areas of life, we discovered that we are not alone in our desire to share our world with others. With his support I have endeavored to meet new people, create new friendships, maybe even find that third person, be it male or female to share in our happiness.
I have a girlfriend whom I am not nor ever have been actively involved with on any sexual level. We are very good friends. Her husband and her decided upon a separation. She has since been with another man, whom she moved into her home, became a surrogate mom to his son and has essentially had the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with for a little over a year. Now her husband knows about all of this and continued to offer his support both emotionally and financially. The husband and I have become involved with her blessings as well as my husbands, J. B, the girlfriend's husband and I were embarking on a friendship which was rapidly turning into more.
I made it no secret that we were looking and hoping for a poly relationship with him. That didn't scare him off (which is wonderful). However due to circumstances, my girlfriend recently tragically lost her boyfriend. B came home early from an extended stay out West to be by her side as well as to deal with the fall out from the situation, which is very dire indeed.
B had really just started opening up to me. Both mentally and sexually. He was talking more and more while creatively explaining some of the situations he would like to see come to pass which made my heart soar with excitement. Now, please don't misunderstand me, I completely understand where my girlfriend is at the moment as I'm no stranger to it. I also completely understand that B needs to be there for her and I encourage it. But I also know that she will need healing time. She will be moving back in with B, (expected).
Here's where my heart needs some sound thoughts that aren't coming from J, due to his place in my life, or the thoughts of those people whom are dear to me. I need these outside thoughts so I can calm some of the stresses that I have or at least make some sense of it.
When B spoke of reconciliation with C (my girlfriend); she said that she couldn't see herself going back to him. She loves him dearly, no doubt, but that he wasn't what she wanted anymore. She maintained the new relationship with the boyfriend, X we'll call him. B was paying for her home, least the majority of the bills, while she lived with X and was going to school part time. No, she was not working, partying it up most of the time and going to school some of the time. This has taken place right at a year now. Now she will be moving back in with B, to heal. My fear, and I just recognized it as such, is that they will reconcile and make another effort at their marriage. I encouraged this in the very beginning. Without X there to help take care of her, I'm scared that she would not be reconciling out of love for her husband but rather the security he can provide. Which of course (even as shitty of a person this may make me out to be) takes him away from J and I. B has already began to close the lines of communication between he and I.
I'm mad because the accident was avoidable to begin with. I'm angry because now, just as I thought J and I had found someone whom we all got along together with, is in a round about way being taken away from us. I'm angry because now C has to live with the consequences of both X and her decisions. That's a hard plate of food to swallow. I know, I've been there. I also have received distinct vibes that J and I are no longer welcomed by C's side from her.
My rant could all be for nothing, this much is true. However, I'm pretty good at reading a situation and expanding on the outcomes. In my heart I know I'm an asshole for even worrying about any of this, especially at this time. But each morning, I wake up and wonder how B is doing with all of this as he has quite communicating with me unless it's about C. Each night, I text him Good Night, Sweet Dreams, which had become a ritual for us and each night, I do not receive an answer.
I can't discuss my fears and concerns with B as he and I had made an agreement in the very beginning that what he and I did together was between the two of us. What C and X did was between them. What C and I discussed was between us. Now, because I know things that B may not know, I have fears. But J also told me, B is the one who knows her personality and downfalls better than any of us as he's been the one with her the longest. Do I break the agreement between B and I to discuss the tid bits of knowledge that I have? Do I betray the trust given to me by C and disclose the negatives to B? I have no place in the middle of this convoluted situation yet here I find not only myself as a friend but also as a lover. I'm lost.
I know that there are no solid answers to be had. But Guidance from other members of this community may shed some light on this conundrum that J and I find ourselves in. More me than him, I must admit. He's more of the take it as it comes whereas I'm more let's find the instant fix, for which this situation doesn't have one. I could go on and on...but if someone has read this far, I'm sure you're tired by now. Thanks for reading...I'll post again as I think I have found it to be a little therapeutic.
Well C is back at home, thankfully. I'm so pleased with this news as there were complications. Her and I seem to be on a good even keel so far. My vibes were (at this point) all in my head. She has continuously asked for my presence and support. There are moments where she has break downs (to be expected given everything) and then there are the moments when she is simply angry at the world (again, expected). C is well on her way to healing both physically and mentally though she still has a very long road ahead of her.
C has said that B, even though she is at home with him, has been very distant and almost cold towards her. I half expected some of that as he's unwilling to recognize her grief for X. C is talking about going home to her house sooner rather than later, which is not at all what I expected.
Now, B on the other hand has gone the complete opposite direction. He texted me the other night telling me how he was drunk, (coping mechanism) and that he was feeling sorry for himself. This statement concerned me as it is not normally in his nature to be like that. I was at the hospital with C as she simply wanted a females company to do those things that we enjoy, i.e. washing her hair...when B found out that I was there, he said he felt like crap because he needed to take some time to himself and then C asked me to come out there to her. I told B that he was simply being full of shit and that I needed to come kick his butt. It isn't as if we hadn't bantered back and forth in this manner before. He asked me why I needed to come kick his butt and I replied because he was being full of it and it needed to be kicked out. He then accused me of belittling his feelings which was no where near the case and deep down inside he knows this. Least I would hope that he does.
So when I didn't hear back from him, I texted him upon leaving the hospital that I was headed his way and he needed to call me. Now mind you, I live over an 1 hr from him. About 35 minutes from the hospital to his home. It was rapidly getting late. I continued to text him and call him simply looking for a response to let me know that he was ok. I wasn't going there for any extra activity, farthest thing from my mind. Grief, Loss, self pity and alcohol don't always make for a good combination. I just wanted to ensure myself that he was ok. Was I wrong in going there?
I rang the bell, he answered a few minutes later. His exact words were "what the F"*&?" I explained to him that I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. I was then promptly told that he didn't need the drama that I was bringing (which we have none of other than this current accident that we are ALL contending with) and that he was a grown man and could take care of himself. Again, I stated my reason for being there, that I was just checking on him to make sure that he was ok. He told me that I was full of it. Now mind you, my truck was running as I didn't want it to get cold. I had no ulterior motives, no need to go into his home lest he wanted to talk and rant n rave, you know...my truck was running and I was standing outside in 27 degree weather. I told him fine, I knew he was ok then, so I left. He hollers at me to text him to let him know I was home safe. I told him "don't worry about me as I got this". I'm shattered that he couldn't simply accept that I was trying to give him an outlet to vent to. He texted J to ask if I got home.
He hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't texted me, he hasn't hit me up on chat...nothing.
I'll be seeing C tomorrow, which I'm excited about as she is supposed to be going home tonight, to her house that is. Other than the situation with B, it seems so far that C and I are ok which that just fills my heart with love. But then on the other side of the fence, B isn't speaking to me at all now......What to do?
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