Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Mono bf won't accept me being poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41660)

Mymlan 02-28-2013 06:06 AM

Mono bf won't accept me being poly
 
I am not very skilled with English language, so I give you my problem in caveman-speech:

I 'am' poly.*
I am poly virgin.
Met boyfriend.
Told boyfriend I am poly.
Boyfriend: I love you anywaaaay~
1 year passed
Moved in with bf
I fall in love with one more guy
Talk about poly again (without mentioning guy #2 yet)
Boyfriend: But you're only mine! I not share!
Guy #2 probably not interested. Or is he?
It dosen't matter.
Only want to be honest again with bf.

What do I do? How do I tell him that I love one more guy?

* I've been in love with multiple guys at several times before, this is the second time it becomes a problem though. Last time my bf-by-then broke up with me.

I feel nauseous when being with either guy... It's horrible... I can't handle all these feelings!

Helo 02-28-2013 06:45 AM

Welcome to the party.

These situations usually end in four different ways.

Plan Alpha: Partner gives.
Plan Beta: You give.
Plan Gamma: You both agree.
Plan Delta: You both split.

Alpha: Your partner wants to make you happy and agrees to the new dynamic. They are often unhappy about the situation and dislike it. This leads to general resentment about the situation and general unease for everyone involved

Beta: You agree to remain mono. Doable but if a poly relationship is truly what you need to be happy, eventually you'll start resenting the position you find yourself in. You'll get angry and feel trapped until you cant take it anymore.

Gamma: You both agree to try this new dynamic. This can be the beginning of a new poly relationship and has its own tree of choices and outcomes.

Delta: You both agree that you want different (incompatible) things out of a relationship and it would be best to separate. This sucks the worst in the short-term but is often the best for long-term association if it becomes truly clear that there's no way to make you and him work together.

Alpha and Beta fail spectacularly more often than not. The specifics of all the scenarios differ but the general ideas are near universal.

The choice is yours.

GalaGirl 02-28-2013 07:17 AM

Depends.

1) Do you want your boyfriend to be willing to talk to you about your polyamorous FEELINGS and be a part of sharing your inner life?

2) Or do you want your boyfriend to be in a polyamorous RELATIONSHIP with you and another guy?

3) Or do you want BOTH things? 1 AND 2?

He is monoamorous and wants to be in monogamous relationship. But he might be willing to OPEN enough do #1 if you are willing to keep the relationship CLOSED and monogamous for him. If that is enough for you, that could work. Could ask if he is willing to go there or not if this is your want.
  • If yes he is willing, try.
  • If not? You cannot make this work alone. Two people are in this romance. Your inner life unshared will wither and you could grow emotionally distant from your BF. That's not healthy sounding for the romance. Be friends instead.

If you want #2, could accept he does not want to be in a polyamorous relationship and break up. Be friends instead.

If you want #3, could accept he does not want to be in a polyamorous relationship and break up. Be friends instead.

It can FEEL hard, but the choices are pretty clear when you consider you have to work with his wants, needs, and limits and your wants, needs, and limits.

If most things will line up... you could share a romance. But if most things will not line up? Better to focus on sharing a friendship instead of FORCING things trying to share a romance that will not fly here.

It isn't anyone's fault -- everyone can want what they want for the shape of their romance. But if things just do not line up to fly together in romance, they just do not line up. Accept this, and be together in friend shape instead.

GL!
Galagirl

Mymlan 02-28-2013 07:25 AM

All of my friends Thinks that I should forget and try to live and give to my bf.

Everybody except one, who admits that he could never understand it fully, but I have to stay strong.

I think that guy #2 either is poly (yay happy days) or mono (and then not interested in me, but another girl)... That's why I haven't mentioned him to my bf...

... My bf friends have a strong opinion about it - that girls should stay faithful to their boys and so on...
They do not know however how I feel...

Last time I got into trouble, my mum kept telling me that it is illegal (bi/polygamy is, not polyamory) and that I should fit myself into the system. So it's stigmatic the least.

I am afraid. When my bf finds out, what if he freaks out at try to hurt me or #2?
I know that would have happened if my X had the chance.

My idea is to tell him that I love two people (without mentioning who the other guy is). If he breaks up, I have not as much to lose as he have. If he don't, as you said, either he is happy or sad about it...

Mymlan 02-28-2013 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 187444)
Depends.

1) Do you want your boyfriend to be willing to talk to you about your polyamorous FEELINGS and be a part of sharing your inner life?

2) Or do you want your boyfriend to be in a polyamorous RELATIONSHIP with you and another guy?

3) Or do you want BOTH things? 1 AND 2?

I have no idea, but I don't think I got a chance on guy #2.
So mostly 1).

Mymlan 02-28-2013 07:33 AM

I think I need to think for a while... Reply if you want though...

Vinccenzo 02-28-2013 04:21 PM

If you feel your current BF is someone who would get violent to you or others over what you want, why be with him at all? That would make him someone not worth being with in any type of relationship style.
He doesn't have to want what you want because this isn't a conflict with a right VS wrong.
Seeing as he might not want what you want and that might be the end of this relationship there is nothing to be gained in trying to get a person with violent tendencies to see your side of things. You could agree to being monogamous to avoid violence in the now but you'd still be with someone who would be violent to get their way when what you want conflicts with what they want.

GalaGirl 02-28-2013 04:38 PM

Quote:

I am afraid. When my bf finds out, what if he freaks out at try to hurt me or #2?
I know that would have happened if my X had the chance.
That is a WHOLE other thing if you are in danger. Or worried that your BF would attack the other guy to get "even" with you and hold it over your head to control you.

You could not be in a relationship that creates fear to this level in you. Fear of being hurt in body, mind, heart, or soul. Abuse is not always hitting.

You could choose to just end it rather than live in fear. Do NOT be friends with an abuser.

However the leaving time is the dangerous time, so taking the time to leave well so you STAY safe is important. You might think about making a domestic violence safety plan.

Could read other resources:

www.speakoutloud.net

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Please be safe. :(

GG


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:26 AM.