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-   -   My space (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4166)

Derbylicious 11-08-2010 08:37 PM

My space
 
I'm having trouble around my space and feeling comfortable in it. My husband's girlfriend had a pretty shitty night on Friday and didn't want to be alone on Saturday and so I told my husband that it would be fine to invite her along to RP's show on Saturday night and I didn't mind her staying over in the guest room afterwards. The issue was that she was still there the next morning and I can't relax with her around because I don't know her well enough and I don't want to step on any toes regarding the relationship between her and my husband. I wasn't going to be in my house much that day due to other commitments and I felt really put out that I couldn't just spend the morning having my usual lazy Sunday morning.

I don't know how to ask someone to leave nicely without it seeming offensive. I really didn't mind her staying over but I did want my house and life back in the morning. I want to be able to be relaxed in my own house and it's only by nature of their relationship that I'm not. I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time when she's in my house. I also don't get why I feel so differently about her staying over than I do anyone else. We have other friends stay over and either they hang out in the morning or they don't and it's no big deal either way. All I can think is that I feel muzzled when it comes to her and that I almost can't say anything about wanting my space back when I want it back whereas I have no trouble at all with letting other friends know that it's time for them to go home.

MonoVCPHG 11-08-2010 08:47 PM

I think this would be best served by sitting with your hubby and just telling him exactly what you wrote. Then the responsibility is on him to establish that guideline with his girlfriend. The thing is, you shouldn't have the responsibility to ask her to leave, but you do have the responsibility to let your hubby know how you feel. AND....and this is a big AND, you should not feel guilty, childish, controlling or insecure in asking this. Got it? Don't make me hypothetically smack your ass :eek:

Derbylicious 11-08-2010 08:48 PM

Next time I'm just sending the both of them out for breakfast with the kids I think :D. Problem solved, I'll have my house back AND I'll be able to get things done!

Breathesgirl 11-08-2010 09:22 PM

AND you'll have a precious couple of hours of QUIET time!

Danny40179 11-08-2010 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 51888)
I think this would be best served by sitting with your hubby and just telling him exactly what you wrote. Then the responsibility is on him to establish that guideline with his girlfriend. The thing is, you shouldn't have the responsibility to ask her to leave, but you do have the responsibility to let your hubby know how you feel. AND....and this is a big AND, you should not feel guilty, childish, controlling or insecure in asking this. Got it? Don't make me hypothetically smack your ass :eek:

What Mono said, but it seems like you came up with a good solution too!! LOL In all seriousness, what Mono said was on point. It's not your responsibility to ask her to leave in the morning, but if you're having these thoughts then you need to communicate them to hubby. It's his job to set the boundaries that the gf has in YOUR home.

My wife had much the same feelings at the beginning and it took lots of me reinforcing that she ALWAYS came first. Especially at the beginning of a new relationship with someone. There couldn't be a question about that otherwise the lifestyle would never have worked. The core relationship has to be completely intact before you can branch out.

Open lines of communication are something that I preach because they're so important to making this work. When I say open, I mean completely open. There should be NOTHING that you keep from your SIGNIFICANT other. There's a reason they're considered significant. :)

Derbylicious 11-08-2010 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 51898)

My wife had much the same feelings at the beginning and it took lots of me reinforcing that she ALWAYS came first. Especially at the beginning of a new relationship with someone. There couldn't be a question about that otherwise the lifestyle would never have worked. The core relationship has to be completely intact before you can branch out.

I just want to be really clear that this isn't a reflection of me feeling insecure in my relationship with my husband. I have spoken to him already about it. Now we're just working on solutions. The only issue is needing to feel relaxed in my house. I'm sure that one day I'll be completely comfortable having her there but she's only been in my house when I've been home 4 times. And I think I've only seen her twice in person outside of that. It's got more to do with my relationship as a metamour with her than it does with anything to do with their relationship.

ray 11-09-2010 12:55 AM

it's funny how metamour relationships seem to feel so much more intimidating/tense/scary/awkward/"insert word for your experience here" more than just random friends/coworkers/etc. I hope that you and her can find a rhythm that feels comfortable and relaxed. It's sounds like you and your husband will work something out so everyone's happy. :) I know negotiating certain boundaries governing the interactions of myself and my metamour have been bumbly. The other night, I was in the car with O and A and I was leaving, so I gave O a hug and then there was an awkward pause and O said, You know, you can hug A too. And I was like, I can? (I'm not sure why i was so incredulous).

redpepper 11-09-2010 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 51886)
I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time when she's in my house....... All I can think is that I feel muzzled when it comes to her

These two lines are what concerns me in your post...

Danny40179 11-09-2010 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 51938)
These two lines are what concerns me in your post...

I agree Red, and that's what I was referring to in my post Derby. If you feel uncomfortable, then you have to let your husband know this and it should be up to him to help alleviate that. It can be a very tricky situation, but you should never feel like the outsider in your own home.

Seems like you and your husband have good communication so I'm sure you guys will be able to figure this out. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!

Fidelia 11-09-2010 02:52 PM

Here's what I'm seeing:

Your metamour had an unplanned-for need/desire (to not be alone) and asked for what she needed. Poly-points to her for knowing what she wants and asking for it. (Not that we're keeping score; just go with me here.)

You heard her and worked with your husband to meet her need on the fly. Poly-points to both of you, plus bonus points for flexibility and graciousness, and bonus bonus points for offering the guest room.

Everyone's needs are met and all is cool in the land of poly until her need for company (now satisfied) bumps into your need for privacy. It seems to me you simply found the outer edge of your ability to accommodate her need, and need to get comfortable expressing that to her. When you know her better, your comfort level around this kind of situation will improve. Until that happens, I hope your husband will help bridge the gap.


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