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-   -   Poly partner's partner doesn't know (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=416)

Merricat 06-24-2009 04:51 PM

Poly partner's partner doesn't know
I am in a poly relationship with a man I love very much. He has one partner who is a wonderful woman and I have no problem WHATSOEVER with, we talk all the time and I think she is great. The problem is that he also has another partner who does not know about me, and who thinks that she is his only love. This drives me CRAZY!

He met her a little bit before he met me, and he didn't tell me about her. I found out by accident, and I was very hurt. He says she is no threat to me, and that he will not dump me for her, but he won't leave her either. He cannot tell her about me because she would dump him.

I am very jealous of her and I don't know how to stop it. Things are great between us when we are together, and he only sees the other girl when I am at work (just the way our schedules happen to work out). So why am I so upset? Is it just fallout from the way he deceived me? Is it because I am afraid she will find out and give him an ultimatum? I am so angry sometimes. I feel like this is tainting our relationship. I sometimes think of breaking up with him, but I can't, I love him. i just don't know what to do.

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 05:24 PM

Deception and cheating hurt.....that's not supposed to be the way of a true poly lover or relationship......he's seeing a mono women who doesn't know? Not good. He needs to be more truthful...for everyone's sake otherwise he's only using people (women) for the benefits.

MonoVCPHG 06-24-2009 05:26 PM

Sorry to be so blunt but..

Simply put..he has to tell her. By not telling her he is in effect having an affair with everyone else when you look at the premise of exclusivity that he has passively lead her to believe. This will not get any easier on her the longer he waits..it will get worse. I will be so bold as to call this straight out selfish in that he is putting his needs ahead of hers. That is not polyamory. Put yourself in her place and force the issue. She deserves to know.

Take care

Merricat 06-24-2009 05:32 PM

*sigh* I know- he is treating her worse than he is treating me. And he is being selfish. If I straight out told her he would be so mad at me, I'm afraid he would dump me at that point. I know what I have to do. I have to try to convince him to tell her, and if he won't I am afraid I may have to break it off.

MonoVCPHG 06-24-2009 05:38 PM

I have no doubt you will feel better about it when looking back. Take care and I hope he realises he is not potentially giving anything up, but he is potentially gaining deeper respect and love from maybe both of you.

Quath 06-25-2009 01:43 AM

Polyamory works because it has a high focus on honesty and knowledge of consenting adults. She will find out one day. If he really values that relationship, he should tell her what is going on on.

Merricat 06-26-2009 04:38 PM

Well, I talked with him about it. He is not willing to tell her we are lovers, but he did tell her that we are close friends. He says there is no way she would accept the situation if she knew, and I guess I can live with that. I have asked him to talk about her more, so I can come to understand her as a person with feelings and a part of his life, not the scary, mysterious "other woman". Now he chats with me a little about her, what she is like, little things of interest that happen. It makes it easier, at least for me.

I do believe in poly. Honesty is better than lies. But he is only human. He knew her before he knew me, and he doesn't want to lose either one of us. So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.

Edit: Yes, I know I am a party to this woman's betrayal. I admit my guilt, but I am in love and too weak to give him up.

MonoVCPHG 06-26-2009 04:48 PM


Originally Posted by Merricat (Post 2231)
So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.

Sorry for being so direct but..

I hope he realises how selfish and unfair his actions are to you and her. This is a cowardly act when dealing with someone's heart. Being played for a fool is extremely damaging to one's physycy. In my opinion he doesn't love her and has an end in sight which will relieve him of the responsibility to tell her at all. This saddens me.

You might want to consider what he isn't telling you.
Take care

NeonKaos 06-26-2009 04:57 PM

To me it sounds like you and the 3rd girlfriend are being used to boost his ego or whatever. It doesn't sound like you've known him very long and you might cut your losses before you get even more entrenched. It looks to me as thought you are trying to rationalize all this for his benefit. But it's your life...

Oh, and what Mono said about considering what he may be not telling you.

Mark1npt 06-26-2009 05:10 PM

Ygirl and Mono give excellent counsel on this matter. You can't live poly and he can't live poly, if he's cheating on a mono woman and she doesn't know. It's just cheating, and it needs to be corrected. He must come clean. If this guy is this leacherous to do this with you two and think nothing of it, I shudder to think what else he's pulling and who else he's pulling it with. This is where Mono's wisdom comes in.

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