Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   New, Poly-Curious? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41586)

girlinflames 02-27-2013 06:42 AM

New, Poly-Curious?
 
Hi, I thought I might join this forum to help me explore my feelings better. My whole adolescence and young adulthood thus far has been one big confusion. I still haven't managed to really define my sexuality. When I was younger I thought I might be a lesbian because I always found myself looking at women, and not men.

I didn't have a boyfriend until my 20s, but when I did, I realized that I couldn't find myself loving just one person. No matter what I do, I find myself wanting to share myself with more than one person, and I'm not sure if that would consider me polyamorist or not. I do not just want a sexual relationship with people, so I think that leads me towards polyamory.

I found it really eye-opening when I was in my human sexuality class in college, and we discussed polyamory. Even my teacher had a somewhat hard time explaining it to the class, despite being one of the most open women I have ever met. However, when I was watching documentaries with polyamorists, their lives made total sense to me, and I didn't see anything wrong with how they lived. While other people in class were having trouble grasping the concept of polyamory, I thought that it was something pretty normal.

This brings me to my current relationship status. I have a boyfriend I've been dating for almost a year. He is a great guy, and I love him to death. However, I've brought up the polyamory idea with him...he doesn't understand nor tolerate the idea whatsoever. I've had some situations where I've had to hide from him some things, and it's really hard for me to understand what I should do. I almost feel like I'm in the closet and can't come out about this, because I'll lose him.

Well, that's..that I guess. I'd love to hear advice, experience, anything from you guys! I can't wait to get started in this forum, and learn from everyone and maybe even discover some new things about myself :D

Thanks for taking the time to read my intro!!

ImaginaryIllusion 02-27-2013 03:15 PM

Welcome tot he Forum. I'm glad to hear that you've found some sense to poly... perhaps you'll be able to explain it to others better than the teachers.

ManofDiscovery 02-27-2013 07:11 PM

Although I'm a man, you have pretty much described my previous relationship history - at least in terms of the feeling that something wasn't quite right in mono relationships, and having to hide certain things that I was doing, and feeling guilty about that.

I am currently at the stage where I'm putting myself out there more in terms of 'I am poly...who's interested' (not exactly in those words).

It's an interesting journey so far (albeit having taken only one step).

kdt26417 02-27-2013 10:18 PM

Hello girlinflames,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you are in a really tight spot with your boyfriend. You don't want to lose him, yet polyamory is very important to you, and he is unaccepting of it. Something's got to give. Either you will have to cut the ties, or address him again with it and take the risk that he will cut the ties. If nothing gives, you may end up in a life with him in which you always feel a little out of place, a little resentful, and forced to hide your true feelings. The only way of getting around that is if this "poly-ness" is just phase, and you end up being content with monogamy. I don't know if those are good odds to bank on, though.

Perhaps we can help, at least as a listening ear, if nothing else. There are lots of valuable threads to read here; have a look around. Post any thoughts or questions you may have as they come to you.

I hope you and your boyfriend will be able to work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

girlinflames 02-28-2013 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery (Post 187335)
Although I'm a man, you have pretty much described my previous relationship history - at least in terms of the feeling that something wasn't quite right in mono relationships, and having to hide certain things that I was doing, and feeling guilty about that.

I am currently at the stage where I'm putting myself out there more in terms of 'I am poly...who's interested' (not exactly in those words).

It's an interesting journey so far (albeit having taken only one step).

I haven't quite even gotten that far, so I give you a lot of credit for putting yourself out there! I think that I might be stuck with feeling out of place in a monogamous relationship, because I feel happy with the boyfriend I'm with. However, the problem is when I meet people I grow feelings for I have to either force myself to hide those feelings, or lose that person from my life. I've twice went behind my boyfriend's back and gotten close to others, one being my (was) best friend. So, things are really tough. I almost hope this is a phase, but I highly doubt it.:confused:

Utopian 02-28-2013 12:55 PM

Hi gif,

Consider; If he wants a person who wants a monogamous relationship, is it really you he wants?

My advice for whatever that's worth is that you stop what you're doing and now. You can't hope for a good relationship if you aren't a good person. It sounds as if your boyfriend should have taken more notice of you when you levelled with him but that particular fuck up is for him to take responsibility. You, in my opinion need to take responsibility for your own part in this. If you care about this guy so much, why did you choose to cheat on him? It sounds to me like you care more about this farce of a relationship than you do his feelings. If you care for him and respect him then why are you behaving so selfishly? I don't know the details of this relationship, nor do I particularly want to. You don't need advice from anyone on here for this mess. You know full well that what you're doing could hurt you both irreparably Any relationship is no better than it is honest and open.

There is no easy way out of this. The damage is already done and there is more to come.

I hope you find the courage to better youself.

Sincerely,

Ute

ManofDiscovery 03-01-2013 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlinflames (Post 187442)
I haven't quite even gotten that far, so I give you a lot of credit for putting yourself out there! I think that I might be stuck with feeling out of place in a monogamous relationship, because I feel happy with the boyfriend I'm with. However, the problem is when I meet people I grow feelings for I have to either force myself to hide those feelings, or lose that person from my life. I've twice went behind my boyfriend's back and gotten close to others, one being my (was) best friend. So, things are really tough. I almost hope this is a phase, but I highly doubt it.:confused:

Thanks.

What you're saying really resonates. You love being in a relationship, but it's like you have to hide a part of yourself and hope it stays dormant. You value honesty and trust, yet you find yourself in situations where you cross boundaries that you shouldn't be crossing with others..then feel guilty later.

I highly doubt this is a phase...if your bf doesn't come on board, the signs aren't great.

Dump him and hook up with me instead. I know nothing about you, how old you are, what you look like, where you live, or whether we'd get on...but otherwise the idea is perfect ;)


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