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-   -   Lost in a NRE fog, want to make sure marriage isn't affected (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41569)

naturalblue 02-27-2013 12:53 AM

Lost in a NRE fog, want to make sure marriage isn't affected
 
Bit of background - Hubby and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for 1 and open for a year and a half. He has a girlfriend and has been with her the entire time we've been open. I have a boyfriend that I've been seeing for about 2 months.

We had a problem earlier this year when I found a message from him to her saying that he loved her so much that he was secretly hoping that I'd develop feelings for someone else so he could be with her. That all worked itself out, as he was fully in NRE and has since realized that he does not want to be married to her (she can be a little nuts sometimes). He still spends most weekends with her, which works out for me now since then I can spend that time with my guy. I am no longer worried that he wants to leave me for her though and we had a bit of a talk about that.

Now, though, it's my turn to be lost in a NRE fog. Things have developed quickly and intensely with my boyfriend and we have both fallen HARD for each other. I think about him constantly, we text all the time and I want to spend as much time as possible with him. Added to this, my boyfriend and I are exploring some things sexually that I have always wanted to do but that my husband has never been into so everything is new and exciting and a giant love fest with the bf.

The end result of this is that I am finding myself less interested in my husband, especially sexually, which concerns me. We have never been 100% sexually compatible, but always had a pretty good sex life with the normal ebbs and flows. It's never been mind-blowing though and, as I mentioned, he has never been into the stuff I wanted to do so we just had normal, albeit good, sex. Now that I'm getting to do what I've always wanted with my boyfriend though, the thought of having normal (boring) sex with my husband is not as appealing. Also, my husband has gained quite a bit of weight over the years and while I'm far from disgusted or unattracted, I'm also not AS attracted to him as I used to be which makes me less inclined to initiate.

I don't want to lose my connection with him though, and am trying to be cognizant and mindful that I am fully in the NRE phase of my new relationship so I thought I'd come to you guys for some tips on how to ensure that my marriage doesn't suffer just because I'm head over heels for my boyfriend. I'm sure a lot of this is normal and to be expected.

To be fair, I do try to check in regularly with my husband about how he feels about all of this and making sure that he does not feel neglected and he tells me that he's fine and that he feels our relationship is stronger than ever so maybe this is all in my head? We haven't had sex a whole lot in the last few weeks though so I worry. I know that he and his gf have a lot of sex so maybe I should just be happy that his sexual needs are being met, even if it's not with me? Maybe he thinks our sex is boring too haha

It's very possible that I'm overthinking this, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

GalaGirl 02-27-2013 04:04 AM

Well, you already checked in with spouse on the question of
"I am experiecing crazy NRE with the BF. Am I meeting your wants, needs, and limits? I do not want to neglect my marriage just because of NRE."
That was good. He gave you the response that he's doing fine. WTG! :)

Alrighty. Next up is what?

Quote:

We haven't had sex a whole lot in the last few weeks though so I worry. I know that he and his gf have a lot of sex so maybe I should just be happy that his sexual needs are being met, even if it's not with me? Maybe he thinks our sex is boring too haha
Balancing the sex needs inside the marraige. Is that it? If so... Did you talk about these things too? Something like...

DH, we always had a pretty good sex life with the normal ebbs and flows. I want to know if you could be willing to explore more things with me. I get to share some of that exploring experience with BF, but I really want to share that with you also. So could you be willing to talk to me about trying new things in that area of our relationship?
DH, I've noticed you gained quite a bit of weight over the years. I'm still attracted to you but I have a concern that I'm also not AS attracted as I used to be which makes me less inclined to initiate sex. I wonder if you do not initiate sex because you are sexed out with the GF. Could you talk to me about my feelings regarding sex frequency inside the marriage? I would welcome more sex frequency as well as more sex exploring.

And if you have underlying health things going on there, could we talk about that? How was your last health check up? I want to grow old with you and not worry about our physical health as we age together. And sex health is a part of our physical health. I want us to healthy in the marriage.
Could take it out there, and just HAVE the conversation. So you can then KNOW.

Can't KNOW without ASKING. It is good you want to keep tending to your marriage and keep it in a healthy place.

GL!
Galagirl

naturalblue 02-27-2013 08:53 PM

Those are very good suggestions, thank you very much!


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