Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Poly-Sub says hi ^_^ (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41568)

momomix 02-27-2013 12:36 AM

Poly-Sub says hi ^_^
Hi Everyone.

I've never believed in the constraints of monogamy, but I didn't consider polyamory until I found the right partner(s) to consider it with. I am submissive and bi-sexual and live with my boyfriend, dominant and hetero. We are bdsm first, poly second. He has another girlfriend, bi-curious and switch. We are sexually a triangle, but emotionally more of a V with him as the hinge. They've had a long history together and were previously monogamous. I met him at a time when they weren't together. When he and I decided to open our relationship to women only, we invited her in.

We are mostly happy.. I'm happy.. with him and with her.

However, their relationship is rocky. I think that they still love each other for the sake of the love that they once had before, that and the sex is great. They constant break up, make up, fight, love. They fight about her insecurities and jealousies, his aggression, how he doesn't spend time with her, how he ignores her, how she doesn't appreciate him, and so forth. Frankly, their relationship is toxic to the point of changing phone numbers multiple times. They both know that they don't want to be in this kind of relationship, but neither wants to be the one to end it.

Meanwhile, I try to be as patient and supportive as I possibly can be. Sometimes I get caught in the middle. Sometimes I get left out. I want them both to be happy, but I know there is nothing I can really do to help them fix there relationship or move on. I've tried removing myself from the situation and focusing on my relationship with him, but then they're happy again and I feel like a bad person if I don't appreciate their happiness. Thus, I get drawn back in. I feel like I'm a child again and my parents are fighting, but this time neither one wants to finalize the divorce.

And so our triangle becomes a circle, cycling between beautiful trio bliss and hateful competition. I try so hard to be patient, but their conflict affects me. I'm afraid that I can't do this forever. If I didn't love him perhaps I simply walk away from both of them. But he is my soul mate, so that isn't an option.

Anyways, happy to meet everyone,

kdt26417 02-27-2013 10:02 PM

Hello momomix,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like you have a lot of drama going on there, even though no one wants to break up. There's always that chance that things will gradually get better, but who knows. If your two companions already have a long history with each other and they still aren't getting along very well, the prognosis doesn't look so good.

Try hard not to get caught in the middle when things get rough. Continue to show as much patience as you can; it's the best you can do. I'm sure if it gets to be too much or you reach your limit, you'll know it.

Hope we can be of some kind of help to you on this website.

Kevin T.

momomix 02-28-2013 06:10 PM

Thanks Kevin, I hope I can find help too >_<. I appreciate the time, thought, and effort everyone has committed to this community. It really comforts me that we aren't all alone in our unique lifestyles. :)

momomix 02-28-2013 06:16 PM

Actually, I have a question. I don't know if this is the place to ask, but might as well. In poly, should we talk to our partners about our other relationships in detail? I mean, in my situation I feel like there's a lot going on that they don't tell me between them, and I'm not sure if it's really my place to ask. Is their business, their business? Or do I have the right to know too?

kdt26417 02-28-2013 07:41 PM

The notable thing is that some partners don't want to know what's going on with the other partners. Some people are very private and don't like to share a lot. But if you are getting drawn into the middle of things and it affects you in that way, you certainly have a right to know, or to at least ask.

I guess it depends what/how much detail we're talking about. Details of sexual encounters can be very private for some people. But if you are just trying to find out what is amiss between your two companions, that is somewhat different.

Having said all that, it's really ultimately different for each little poly group. Some groups share a lot with each other, some only share a minimal amount of information. Some can only handle a small amount of information. If you feel you could handle the information, it seems fair to let you try.

Just remember that sometimes one partner might share something about another partner, and it might seem to be something extremely upsetting, but it might actually just be venting, and something they can work out on their own easily enough. Some partners share about their other partners because they need to vent. So, if someone tells you some bad news, it may or may not be something you need to do anything about, and they may not need or want any suggestions, just a listening ear. It is a fine line to walk.

If you feel concerned about what's going on with your companions, you might even want to do a three-person sit-down, express your concerns, and try to get some things out on the table. However you're getting pulled into the middle of their conflicts, you want to try to get pulled into that less if possible. Perhaps knowing what's going on would enable you to keep yourself disentangled.

These are just some thoughts; what's right for you is probably unique to the three of you. I don't see any harm in asking them. Just so you know it's not guaranteed you'd get an answer. You can only try.

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:35 PM.