Life in my Circle House
My circle house is the only thing I could think of to describe my lovers in one small acronym. For those who haven't been "in the know" I'll give you a break down:
Andulvar: My husband and primary. We've been married for 3 years after dating for one. I met him when we both work at Hollywood Video (good riddance to it!) shortly after he broke up with his cheating whore of a fiance. I live with him currently and we have two cats. Yeah.
Marius: One of my oldest friends and first loves, Marius is the girl I always wanted to have but she was always taken. We went through a lot of rough patches so far, one almost ending us completely, but we still are very close today. She is the one I feel the most comfortable with (besides the obvious).
Company: Marius's primary and husband, he and I have had a rocky relationship. We started out not quite liking each other and almost ended that way. There are still many things we need to figure out :/ but my attitude toward him has changed considerably.
Thunder: The only one of us lacking a primary, sad face. He and I are working on our relationship, which right now is leaning towards more platonic (but this could change).
Vegeta: Ariel's primary. I started getting close to Vegeta a few years ago before she moved down south to be with Ariel. It made things much harder, especially because of the drama between Ariel and I. I relate a lot to her though, especially humor wise.
Ariel: Things between Ariel and I have also improved considerably, after a long session of talkies and a few tears. We connect on a very emotional level as well which is nice for me. Ariel is the one I have to go the slowest with as many of these changes are a bit hard to take for her. But it's cool...they're hard for me too.
Last night was the first night we all spent together, although it was far from romantic. Everyone (excluding Andulvar and I) created a mattress room which is basically a room with two beds filling it. Seven people, a full size bed and a queen size bed...picture that in your head. It was cramped as hell! Not to mention the heat....it made my work day full but I though it was well worth it.
Tonight we had a polyfam dinner planned, along with another stay over but those thoughts quickly turned a bit sour.
My friend, Rage, is most of the problem. She, Marius and I were really close back in the good 'ol high school days. She even puesdo-dated Marius for awhile, I say psuedo because it sure didn't stop her from sleeping with other people. They ended badly, friends-wise as well, yet they stayed some what connected. Rage moved down south for awhile and came back up a couple of times, this time is more recent.
Rage is...well, dramatic and a bit of a user. I use to enable her a lot back in the day but today is a different story and she doesn't always see that. She lives a wild lifestyle which recently has caused her to greatly injured her knee. She's in a leg brace and feeling rather worthless, especially since her family is fighting around her. Anyhow...
I get a call from her, begging me to let her crash at my place tonight. She had gotten in a huge fight with her aunt and was a complete wreck. I declined, telling her I had prior plans (she's knows I'm poly but doesn't necessarily like it). This didn't go well as- she hung up on me. I called Marius next, who explained that I had to do what I felt was right and that she understood and didn't blame me. Marius already knew what I was going to do and I love her for it. I went to Rage, bashed my plans and went to her (like the supposed "bad friend" I am). When I got there I explained to her, in a the most non-angry way I could that she was blackmailing me, emotionally. That no matter what she thought of me to please not take me for granted. That just because I don't call her or do everything with her means that I don't care about her. In the end, I left without her, yet she decided it. Hopefully, I gave her something to think on :/
We didn't have enough time to put together our original dinner but Ariel pulled out someone fit for all of us (sexy Asian cooking) and I hope that our eve goes off without another hitch.
Rage makes me die inside though...seriously.
Last night turned a bit...hard for me. Because we has just gotten a new cat, Archimedes, Andulvar wanted to sleep at home. Since I was going to volunteer at a book sale early in the morning, I opted to stay there ( as thats was where my ride was and I have trouble getting up early). Andulvar said it was fine and left....I'm still not sure if it really was "fine".
Going to sleep was difficult. Even with everyone else, I still missed the hell out of my primary since it has been a long, long time since I have actually slept alone. Nightmare after nightmare abounded, resulting in little sleep...for him too. We got a call at about 5 AM saying that the book sale was off due to the rainstorm we are currently having. Later I woke to a text message from Andulvar saying that he loves me and to be careful. I went back and spent a few minutes with him.
After he left for work, I was plagued with many emotions. Anger, fear, depression, all gave way to self doubt. In that moment, I hated myself for no reason. I could not stand my own seemingly foul presence and felt I had to be ended* I also felt so much love for my circle house that I wanted to cry but had no tears for it.
So I ate, drank my coffee, and went back to my circle house. I buried my hurt inside and went back.
*(I have bi-polar disorder so these thoughts are common, unfortunatly).
I can completely understand your frustration with Rage. It seems to be an energy draining relationship and I hope your words have caused her to do some self reflecting.
I would love to find several partners to live and love with successfully. I'm leaning more towards all singles or at least non-married people or those who have been in a ltr for less than two years. My experiences with couples just have not worked out very well.
I'm sorry for your not so great night and your emotional rollercoaster. I hope this eve turns out to be much better.
@eklctc: I hope for that with Rage as well. Underneath all of her bad qualities she really is a good person, hopefully I can always see that as well :/ lol, yeah couples can be rough, in fact our relationship kinda of formed on it's own. Thanks for your support mucho.
I have a few people that I consider "friends" yet I don't like to hang out with them too much. I'm sure that I have other friends who feel that way about me.
This is okay.
My life, My Marius, My Rage
@NeonKaos: It's fine with me as well.
I think I should explain a bit more about my relationship with Rage, so I'll start with my background.
Rage was one of my first real friends in high school. We had much in common, I was fucked up, she was fucked up, we had both just moved and our families were in turmoil. We also lived very close to one another. When, Marius met Rage, we all just clicked. We started doing everything together except sometimes Rage would bail and it gave Marius and I more bonding time. Rage knew that I was falling in love with Marius but she began dating her anyway.
Times passed...we grew close. Then Marius met Company who Rage had a huge problem with and because I was such a doormat at the time, I had a problem with him as well. This created friction with Marius and she and Rage began fighting more and more. One night we tried to conduct a ritual to try and bring us back together, it backfired. Marius ended up in the ER, Rage was chain smoking outside and I didn't know what to do. I was determined to keep all of us together.
Maris began pulling away from both of us. When talking about this years later, she said that she didn't mean pull away from me but at the time I was very, very hurt. Because of my fear of being alone, I clung to Rage not really knowing what to do.
Marius moved farther away from me and met Vegeta and Thunder. When she tried to integrate Rage and I with that, Rage resisted. She was very jealous that Marius was choosing to hang with them over her, and kept saying they were "fake friends". Marius shut her out for awhile after that.
Rage spiraled. She got really into drugs and hung out with dealers. Eventually I grew a spine and told her to fuck off which she didn't take well. When I began dating Andulvar she and him also "clicked" as they have lots in common. Andulvar didn't like what she was doing to me however and hung out with her less and less. After she moved down south, tensions eased. Marius worked out some issues with her (and issues of her own) and so did Rage.
Things were actually going okay until she hurt her knee.
The biggest question that I get is: why are you still her friend? Honestly, right now thats what I am working out. While she has improved on her anger and possessiveness problems, she is still highly self-absorbed. Right now, she's in her own pity party and I can't stand it. She keeps taking me for granted and it's making me frustrated by proxy this is making my circle house quite irate with her. I'm trying to figure out a way to talk to her about this without her going on gung-ho on me but for right now, I'm keeping my distance.
Bottom line is, I love chilling with her. I love clubbing with her, drinking with her, playing games with her and just talking with her. I hate how she feels entitled to all of my time, gets butt-hurt when I don't invite her to every damn thing and won't stop whining about how she is the victim in all of this. I love her and I fucking hate her.
Maybe some serious altar time will help sort this out...
So Rage has some issues but she also has redeeming qualities and you still get some positive benefits from the relationship.
You can say that to people when they ask why you are still friends with her.
What NK said.
One thing you may wish to consider: we teach people how to treat us. For whatever reason, you have taught Rage her behavior toward you is acceptable, or at least that you will accept it. If it is no longer acceptable to you, teach her that.
It sounds to me like you, Marius and Rage met up along the path from adolescence to adulthood and the three of you traveled together for a while. For reasons that seemed good to each of you, you and Marius have continued along that path, while Rage has set up camp somewhere in the land of adolescence and wants you to keep circling back to keep her company and bring her supplies.
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