Introducing myself and my situation
 

Hi all. Newly registered here, thought I'd say hello and introduce myself.

I'm currently in the process of divorcing my husband of 10+ years. We were a monogamous couple who were head-over-heels in love for a long time, but our relationship had been deteriorating for the last three years or so. No cheating took place -- he fell out of love with me, was no longer attracted because I had gained weight (eating my feelings rather than talking about them, I suppose), and we were no longer intimate with each other. There were other issues, too, which he could not reconcile in himself without feeling the need to leave the marriage. But we had become one of those sexless married couples that I used to feel sorry for. Ugh.

It's been a painful time for me, but in the last two months or so, I've been starting to feel alive again, have lost 25 lbs, and feeling sexy. Been wanting to meet people, find out what relationship means to me, and explore my sexuality. Before getting married, I was someone who was pretty free sexually, meaning that I liked sex and had been with many partners (men only), though never had a poly type of situation of openness -- I'm learning how poly is different from just "fucking around." :cool: I'm not saying I never had inhibitions or was totally together about my sex life (I think we all have an inner prude and it's up to us whether we want to challenge that prude or not), and I have struggled with self-judgment, but I generally tended to have less hang-ups about relationships and "promiscuity" than most other people I had met. But my soon-to-be-ex-husband is very judgmental, although he has as colorful a past as I did, and our marriage seemed to have dampened my sexual spirit and made us both unhappy.

Okay, so fast-forward to now (gee, I didn't expect to write such a long intro). I am moving on and have been putting myself out there as an available person. I'm willing to see what happens. The polyamory ideal appeals to me, but I don't want to set something up artificially, as I would prefer things develop naturally. I have had some recent crushes on both men and women that got me excited, and I connected online with an old boyfriend from 15 years ago. I know that emotionally I need to take things slowly, as I'm still grieving my marriage (but my therapist thinks it's great if I "date").

Last week, I met a guy I'm crazy about, who's also crazy about me. On the night we met, we made out and engaged in very discrete but totally hot frottage (fully dressed) in the middle of a party. It got my panties soaked, but we have not had sex yet simply due to our schedules not meshing. He lives kind of far from me. We've spoken every night on the phone, sometimes it's just conversation, others it's very erotic. We are moving toward developing something and are planning our first real date, which will definitely include sex. We have incredibly honest and open communication, and he's unlike anyone I've ever known. The other night, he told me he's a one-woman man. Something in me felt ecstatically happy that he is not a "playa" after only one thing, but I also felt a certain trepidation about getting involved in a monogamous thing as the first relationship after my separation. Not that he was asking for a commitment at this early stage, he was just telling me what he's about.

Besides the fact that I don't feel ready for any kind of exclusive commitment at this point, that he lives far away and we wouldn't be able to see each other very often makes me want to have another partner more close by. Ya know, for convenience's sake. ;) Now, he and I won't see each other for nearly two more weeks. In the interim, my old boyfriend A. wants to get together. I don't know where that will lead, but I have a suspicion he's available and sniffing around. I mean, I am not committed to anyone right now and want to be able to have sex with A. (if that's an option), and see what happens, then have sex with my new beau and see what happens. And if I meet someone else, see what happens. Safe sex, of course. I'm not interested in swinging, because I want more than just sex. I don't know if polyamory is right for me, but I think it might be. The idea of having several grounded relationships sounds more natural than what I had with my husband.

I know I'm jumping the gun here, because everything's so new and just beginning, but I certainly do not want to get started in any relationships without some open communication about what I want. But something in me felt a little bad for the new man, like I would disappoint him, when he told me he was a one-woman man, and I knew I could not now say I'm a one-man woman. I suspect that he would value my honesty, but wonder if he would be okay with me having multiple sexual partners. I welcome any tips or suggestions on how to broach the subject when you meet someone new.

I also want to know if every poly situation means that all people involved know each other. Is that always necessary? Can it just be that everyone knows what's going on but haven't all met or aren't all necessarily friends with each other? Thanks, and hello!

Hello & welcome :)

Congratulations on the weight loss. That's a hard thing to do.

Not everyone needs, or even WANTS, to know their partners other partners. That dynamic doesn't work for me as I need to be able to get along with them in order to not have feelings of jealousy & resentment but those relationships are certainly out there.

hello and welcome, I hope you find some useful info here :)

There are many ways to achieve a poly dynamic, but it seems that for sustainability over the long haul, knowing everyone and developing relationships with each other is the way to go... that is if you want a long haul. some people prefer a quick loving, as long as it lasts i'm here kind of relationship, which is fine too.

It sounds like you are starting out well. Keep being honest and the communication flowing, I would make sure to not back down on what your goals are of your future. If you know that you have the capacity to love more than one then that is likely not to go away, even if it doesn't raise it's head for many years... NRE can last a really long time... be sure he knows all that.

Thank you both for the welcomes. Yes, very useful info here. I have been poring over this message board for the last day and a half, reading others' stories, getting a glimpse of the challenges and joys.

I used to fantasize about being shared by my husband with a close (imaginary) male friend of his. The daydreams were always wonderful, with love and respect being a "must have" in the equation. Unfortunately, our marriage was very insular with very little outside friendships or interactions. We relied too much on each other to fulfill our needs, I suppose, but somewhere along the line, we drifted apart. I realized I could not be as open and honest about my feelings with my husband as I wanted, as his judgments were felt even if not expressed verbally. However, many judgments he had of me about not meeting his expectations for a wife were expressed, and it hurt. He could not let me be me.

This new man, J., seems to be the complete opposite of ol' hubby, and I am uplifted by the feeling that honest communication is something we can share. As I wrote earlier, we've been talking on the phone each night, a kind of courting going on. I had not brought up my divorce initially because we were just enjoying each other's company and I didn't know where it would go. Then we started having these wonderful phone conversations, keeping it light and/or sexy. I didn't want to tell him that I was recently separated and my heart still healing. It took me three months to tell my closest friends. I know I am now ready to move on, albeit slowly, but I was afraid he might back away from someone "on the rebound." Everyone I talk to has ideas about how long it should take for me to "get over" my marriage ending, but in actuality, I'm the only one who knows when I'm ready.

Anyway, I've always hated secrets and what damage they can do to a relationship, and it was getting to me that I hadn't told him. Even though we only knew each other a week, we were getting closer with every conversation. During our last one, I began a more serious discussion about what we were looking for -- that's when he told me he's a one-woman man. I told him about my impending divorce, and also why I hadn't mentioned it (besides the fact that he hadn't even asked me about my relationship status) -- which was basically that I wanted a fresh start and to be present with him, not dwelling on the past, but mostly because I did not want to enter a new relationship as the "girl with the problem."

His response? Amazing (at least for someone with my history). He said, "I would be really upset if you tried to be someone you're not." And he told me that it didn't change how he felt toward me, but he was glad that I told him so he would know better how to be with me our first time. He's so very respectful. He voluntarily promised that he would always respect me, would never intentionally hurt me, and also said that he wanted me to feel able to talk to him about anything. I have high hopes that if I do explore long-term non-monogamy that he would at least try to understand, even if he only wants monogamy. It's all so new -- both this relationship and my desire to see if polyamory is for me -- but this is the inkling I have about J., and I just feel so excited (and scared at the same time) for this new and uncharted chapter of my life . . . at age 50!

good for you nycindie, I wish you the best.

Hi nycindie, welcome to the board.

I hear you saying you have a hard time sharing your feelings, but you'd like that to change. As another 50something also going thru a divorce, I agree, it's too late now to just be all you are, true and authentic, to yourself, and how you present yourself to others.

Since youve now confessed to being separated, I see no reason why you cant also share that you now want some variety in your life, to date multiple partners in an ethical way. I'd share this with your new friend asap so he doesnt get a rude shock further down the line. Even if he said hes a one woman man, he might just be indicating he would never cheat on a partner. If he can be shown how ethical polyamory works, he might be open to your preferences. If not, no matter how nice he is, he isnt really for you.

Be yourself!

I meet new potential partners on ok cupid, a free dating site friendly to poly people. I mention being poly in my profile right up front, and remind all the ppl I chat with that this is how my life works. It's amazing how many people are open to being with me despite, or because of, my lifestyle.

I definitely wish you luck on your journey - in some ways you have it better than others entering into this type of thing - they are trying to deal with changing a monogamous relationship over to a polyamorous one.

My advice to you would be to work out what you want for yourself - what is your "bottom-line", your "non-negotiable items" - this would include things like:

• where you would live (no point in entering into a long-term relationship with someone who is moving to Jamaica in 6 months if that's not where you would be willing to live),
• exclusivity (it's ok for someone to be a "one woman man" but if he is expecting you to be a "one man woman" then you are going to hit some friction quickly),
• kids (do you want more, are you wanting to integrate his kids into your dynamic).
• relationship dynamic (lots of things here, but knowing the others or keeping separate are two very different styles of poly)

and so on - I'm sure that from reading around you will find lots of types of poly - try to decide how important each one is for you, and then don't be afraid to share that with your prospective dates, once the possibility of something long-term starts coming up.

Also, I am inferring from your nickname that you are in New York City - which may be totally erroneous of me - there are lots of poly folks in and around the city and they hold social events, too. If you are interested in more details, please let me know.

I just love this message board. Even if I were not considering a polyamorous lifestyle, the depth, detail, and thoughtfulness of the responses here (on my thread and others I've read) are very moving and relevant to all kinds of relationships, IMHO. You all impress me with how much maturity, honesty, and clarity of insight the polyamorous person must have in order to function well in this society. Or at least the ones that come here and offer of themselves their wisdom and willingness to share their experiences! :) Many thanks for all your genuinely caring responses to my post so far. I appreciate it greatly.

I won't see my new beau J. for another week. I feel that talking to him about my relationship needs is something I want to do in person, not on the phone or in email -- call me old-fashioned, I guess. And I was planning to do it the first time I see him, not let it wait until we have progressed further (if we do). I've been thinking about how to bring it up, what to say. I don't know that I definitely want to live that way, but I know I want to see if it's for me.

Yet, two things make me hesitant to talk about it right away. First, he has intimated that he was treated disrespectfully in past relationships, and I wonder if there may have been infidelity - which might color how he sees polyamory, if he's not familiar with it. It has me rethinking the idea of sleeping with the old ex-boyfriend from long ago (if that's even a possibility) until J. and I get off the ground. But of course, as we get to know each other, I'll know better what he meant.

Second, I see from reading this board how important it is to have a strong relationship as a foundation, so part of me is telling myself, "Wait to tell him until you know what we have." However, I get the point. Starting off with honesty can only help to make the foundation strong, if he does want to be involved with me after knowing my desire to explore polyamory. I'm just not used to having the space to be me and express who I am without being punished for it in some way.

Thanks again to everyone.

Oh, and PS - yes, I am in NYC. I want to take baby steps first, but have been thinking about looking for poly gatherings/events here.

Poly gatherings (at least the ones I have been involved in) tend to be very low-pressure. You aren't forced to stand up and introduce yourself to the group "Hello, my name is Ciel du Matin and I am poly" - it's just a bunch of people who happen to be poly gathered in one room - most get-togethers don't encourage the "meat market" mentality - it is much more of a social meeting. You can usually say as much or as little about yourself as you like, and can ask folks whatever questions you want.

My experiences have been very positive.

Just chiming in to comment on this. You can't actually build a solid foundation without telling him you are polyamorous from the beginning. You'd be omitting a very important part of who you are that is critical to how much he will invest. It would be like building a sand kastle..it could look good but would be lacking the bonding agent of concrete...one wave and it is gone.
Even worse, you consiously chose to leave out a key ingredient.

Be upfront out of respect for his emotions and heart is my advice. That way if he is ready to work on a foundation you'll have the full ingredients. Once that foundation is solid, then you explore others and work as a team and to work through it.
Imagine if he was addicted to heroine and chose to let you invest in him first before springing it on you. Wouldn't you want that information before you became too emotionally attached?

Good luck and welcome to the forums :)