Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Need advice..new to this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4148)

suesuekp 11-07-2010 03:16 AM

Need advice..new to this
 
How do you decide if this is something to get involved in? My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs and he has had a girlfriend for the last 4.5 yrs. She's heavily involved in his career and I feel like he's basically living 2 lives. I'm tired of living this way and we have talked about this, but it gets a little more complicated. We are very sexual people and have been involved in the swinger world (just with other women) and I'm not sure we can seperate the two, however she is definitely not interested in that. Actually I'm not even sure she's interested in this, but we both love him and he loves us both and this just seems to be the right avenue to take. Of course we have children (3 teenage boys) and she does not and I wouldn't have a clue how to explain something like this to them. I need whatever advice is available out there. Also, do all polyamory couples live together?

Thanks...SB

vodkafan 11-07-2010 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suesuekp (Post 51683)
How do you decide if this is something to get involved in? My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs and he has had a girlfriend for the last 4.5 yrs. She's heavily involved in his career and I feel like he's basically living 2 lives. I'm tired of living this way and we have talked about this, but it gets a little more complicated. We are very sexual people and have been involved in the swinger world (just with other women) and I'm not sure we can seperate the two, however she is definitely not interested in that. Actually I'm not even sure she's interested in this, but we both love him and he loves us both and this just seems to be the right avenue to take. Of course we have children (3 teenage boys) and she does not and I wouldn't have a clue how to explain something like this to them. I need whatever advice is available out there. Also, do all polyamory couples live together?

Thanks...SB

No they don't. Sounds like it has been working for a long time, so what is it you are tired of exactly?

suesuekp 11-07-2010 03:47 AM

I'm tired of feeling jealous and we have seperated twice already because he can't decide who he wants to be with. When he wants to be with her he leaves me and when he wants to be with me he leaves her, however niether party stays 100% apart. He and I are more sexually connected and he is more intellectually connected to her as well as they share his career. I think at this point it comes down to all of us having a serious discussion and figuring it all out. Also, I think I need to read a really good book on this to understand it better....thanks

Tonberry 11-07-2010 05:34 AM

Some people all live together, some don't. Sometimes two people live together and other partners live separately and they see each other on date nights and possibly sometimes on the weekend, stuff like that.

In your case, if you feel it's too separated, it seems living together, or closer, might be an option. Having a schedule could help too so you know what to expect, but he might not be able to work that way, if he's more into "spur of the moment" things.

Either way it's definitely something you could explore and talk about. As for telling your kids, that's a different issue and there have been threads about coming out to kids specifically (or to people in general) which might help you, you might want to do a search for them.

MonoVCPHG 11-07-2010 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suesuekp (Post 51685)
I'm tired of feeling jealous and we have seperated twice already because he can't decide who he wants to be with. When he wants to be with her he leaves me and when he wants to be with me he leaves her, however niether party stays 100% apart. He and I are more sexually connected and he is more intellectually connected to her as well as they share his career. I think at this point it comes down to all of us having a serious discussion and figuring it all out. Also, I think I need to read a really good book on this to understand it better....thanks

Does he not realize he can maintain two relationships? He just needs to become a better scheduler. Would you be willing to share him?

GroundedSpirit 11-07-2010 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by suesuekp (Post 51685)
I'm tired of feeling jealous and we have seperated twice already because he can't decide who he wants to be with. When he wants to be with her he leaves me and when he wants to be with me he leaves her, however niether party stays 100% apart. He and I are more sexually connected and he is more intellectually connected to her as well as they share his career. I think at this point it comes down to all of us having a serious discussion and figuring it all out. Also, I think I need to read a really good book on this to understand it better....thanks

Hello Sue,

I think this post makes a good entry into understanding how a lot of poly connections begin.
It illustrates how different people can play important roles in our lives - AND - how that doesn't have to be a conflict unless we make it one.

You claim that you and he are more sexually connected - maybe meaning you have a lot of sexual preferences in common where you believe he and her are more on an intellectual level - and yet there is SOME sexual chemistry too.
It's likely the you and he may share more in common in regards to family etc.
The list would go on if you all were fully open and knew each other intimately.

That's how it is ! That's the reality so many people drawn to poly have stumbled upon, and instead of turning away out of fear have chosen to acknowledge it and go forward. It's just a potential way of viewing human interaction. Broadening the specifications if you will. What's "ok" and what's not.

The 'jealousy' - the fear part - could in theory be thrown out the window simply by acknowledging reality and making a CHOICE ! We connect with different people if we don't put up walls. The way in which we connect with these people varies - it depends on the person. Nothing is better or worse necessarily - only different. Each person offers something to us we value, in different proportion.

It's your choice whether you choose to understand and believe this.
If you do - much becomes simpler (but not all ).
The emotional roller coaster can lose some or most of it power but new steering skills have to be learned & mastered :)

It's all a choice..............

GS

Fidelia 11-07-2010 03:53 PM

Hi suesuekp. Welcome to the forum.

My $.02:
Competing with her for our husband's time and attention has not worked for you. The competition continues to end in a tie. Time to try something else. Since fighting each other has failed repeatedly, why not try working together?

It looks to me like the three of you are already locked in a V, like it or not. You've already tried to just terminate the relationships and haven't been able to, so it seems like the next step is to find out how to make it work.

Each of you individually needs to take the time to figure out what your authentic needs and desires are, and what obstacles are really standing in the way. This will take however long it takes and will involve a lot of work on yourselves. Professional assistance is often helpful. The three of you together need to understand the needs and desires of the others and come to an agreement to see that everyone's needs are met. Yes, even hers, if you want her to join the effort to see that your needs are met.

Easier said than done, I know. But easier done than you might think, and certainly easier than continuing to torture yourselves and one another.

Good luck to you all on the journey ahead.

redpepper 11-07-2010 07:05 PM

How traumatizing and unnecessary your relationship dynamic seems to me. Why should he decide? That is what poly is all about, not deciding, but creating relationships that work for us and sustain themselves to the benefit of everyone involved... that is really fucking hard to do, btw ;) but does work. An open mind, honest, respectful communication between all of you, respect, compassion and a google calender have created my poly foundation and we are a functioning happy tribe... if we aren't everyone involved knows that we expect and trust them to be honest about the need to look at the boundaries we have arranged with one another...

I suggest doing a whole lot of reading on here by doing a "search" or looking at the stickies available. There is a sticky on book recommendations that might be helpful.

suesuekp 11-08-2010 03:22 AM

Thank you for all your responses...I really appreciate the honesty. We have a lot ahead of us and I will be doing as much reading as I can. Seems that this forum has a lot of great information.


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:40 PM.