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-   -   Malfunktioning and meandering (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41451)

Malfunktions 02-25-2013 04:54 PM

Malfunktioning and meandering
 
Ok so here goes,

After years of C wishing on every falling star, every eyelash, and even birthday candles I finally broke and said OK.
What was he wishing for you ask?

(Opinion) What do most hypersexual men who get involved with bi-women want? A threesome.

It came out at a party once when we first started dating that I had participated in a threesome with my two best friends who were and still are a couple. Mind you, it was a drunken debacle with more wine spilt on us then in our mouths that none one of us regretted but agreed should not happen again. I wasn't looking for a triad or a Vee, I was non-monogamous and loving it.
Looking back it was fun. ;)

Fast forward.

Did I feel objectified because I was his tool to get what he wanted? Yeah kinda. :( Did I want to be looked at as a hinge factor in one of his fantasies? I feel I should say yes but I felt like because I was bi he thought he was entitled to what my friends received. Since then I have enjoyed the mono lifestyle. I wasn't concerned about going back but I have morphed to match what he wanted. I didn't go vanilla but I was tamed.
They say, we fear most what we fear the most in our selves.
Hello, nail, hammer, nice to meet you.
What do I fear?
My non-monogamy.

So, finally, when I gave up the idea of not succumbing to his threesome idea I also made one request. I don't want a casual fuck and toss. I want, rather, I miss, the female interaction. The deep-seated connection to know how to react, comfort, touch, know a woman. I suggested instead of a one night threesome that I wanted to pursue dating, to open our lives up to more than just sex. At first he was interested. I did countless hours of research till my eyes hurt from surfing, I scrounged the local online scene, I asked around if anyone knew of a poly-community here and came up wanting.
But still I looked.

We discussed what he wanted. We, FINALLY, discussed what I, ultimately wanted and that was a polyandrous Vee (MFM) (That was a big HELL NO) or a FMF. Ok, that got his attention more. Fine. C just might get his wish after all.

Last night, he asked me what he did wrong. What wasn't he giving me? What was he lacking.

I never thought he'd feel that way. I should have.

We talked about everything. Well, he talked. I cried and babbled. Good thing we've been together long enough for him to be able to decipher my mewlings and snotty babblings. (I'm an insanely ugly crier)

Is poly no longer on the table? No, not exactly. But he has stressed that he WILL be jealous if I develop an attachment to another man. Valid. Understandable even. Am I still looking? Yeah, sort of. Less actively but, yes, still looking. Maybe I'll let him stew over it. And re-address.

Will you guys help me judge the time? I'm pretty sure I'll need it. :/

Helo 02-26-2013 09:40 AM

Not sure if this is terribly helpful, but I'm absolutely mystified as to the fixation with a threesome. I really just do. not. get it.

I like to devote my attention to one person and I feel like I'd go from doing a pretty good job with one person to a mediocre job with two people. I dont know that I'd turn down the opportunity, for the life experience, but its not very high on my list of things that I want to do before I die.

Malfunktions 02-26-2013 03:51 PM

Excuses
 
In my Internet meandering I came across a blog with which the writer, presumably male, is accusing his wife of using polyamory as an EXCUSE to "cheat". He outlines their relationship and it all seems to check out, the only difference being that his wife has another boyfriend. Hello Mister.
He goes on to explain that he has been best friends with wife's new bf since they were children and the three of them hang out still. But I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that I come across posts like "in a sexless marriage with primary and in love with secondary." Or "loveless marriage seeking a bridge".

Ok, maybe I'm jaded, but it's a little disturbing to see that these people are looking to polyamory as the medicine or quick fix agent. No wonder it has a *bad* appearance to normal people. I do (want) understand the values of the lifestyle not benefit from the patchwork abilities. If your staying together for the kids and choose to open up you relationship then that's cool but is bringing the community into your house just an excuse to get you rocks off with someone other than your husband, who by the way, you, MARRIED.

I'm idealistic to a flaw and really want everyone to be happy. If its working for you than ignore my nativity and keep on keeping on.

On another note, it doesn't help that television portrays the poly community as "hippie flakes seeking 'Free Love'". I don't live in a compound and grow my own root vegetables but I do love unconditionally more than my immediate family. Harbouring a secret love is hard but if it comes out then bad will happen kinda thing.

So in closing, what's the difference, or *is there * a difference between "being poly" and " using poly"?

I really love feedback, if you have anything at all to say, fret not, I take criticism like gold and praise like salt ;)

Malfunktions 02-26-2013 03:59 PM

I'd never been all that set on it but it has its ups and it has it downs as well.

StudentofLife 02-26-2013 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 187077)

So in closing, what's the difference, or *is there * a difference between "being poly" and " using poly"?

I really love feedback, if you have anything at all to say, fret not, I take criticism like gold and praise like salt ;)

Not criticism, just another confused thought thrown on the pile...

After reading a lot here, I might guess that "being poly" means it is a natural, full-time desire to have multiple relationships most of the time. It is that person's natural state, necessary to meeting their needs.

"Using poly" might be people who can function happily for much longer periods of time with only one intimate relationship, as long as their needs are being met. When their needs are no longer being met, they will look for other ways to do that, with other people. Not cheating, since in theory they are open about it, but not always a part of their lives, maybe more situationally?

These are both just guesses. I may be 100% wrong about all of it.

Helo 02-27-2013 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 187078)
I'd never been all that set on it but it has its ups and it has it downs as well.

Perhaps my perception is colored by never having tried it. I'm open to changing my mind but I feel no need to hasten to its indulgence.

opalescent 02-27-2013 03:23 PM

One of the truisms people here will tell folks is that if your relationship is broken, adding more people will not fix it. It can make things much worse. That said, some people do come to poly and/or open relationships through cheating. It is a very tough road but some do manage that transition. And some folks do the work to make their initial relationships stronger as they open up. But the broken relationship, add more model does seem fairly prevalent. I often wonder why.

Malfunktions 02-28-2013 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StudentofLife (Post 187085)
"Using poly" might be people who can function happily for much longer periods of time with only one intimate relationship, as long as their needs are being met. When their needs are no longer being met, they will look for other ways to do that, with other people. Not cheating, since in theory they are open about it, but not always a part of their lives, maybe situationally?

Very valid point you bring up. Is it too bold to say maybe these partners, the ones claiming poly, only choose to bring it up because they are lacking in some aspects of their relationship? Ie, contemplate cheating then coincidentally come across the subject of poly and assume " oh! Maybe I'm poly. If I suggest it then maybe I'll get to keep my marriage but also get a green light to "whore around"? Obviously, that statement is the discretion of that partners other partner, the one who isn't providing the needs' or, dare I say, boring the suspecting poly partner?

Malfunktions 02-28-2013 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 187307)
One of the truisms people here will tell folks is that if your relationship is broken, adding more people will not fix it. It can make things much worse. That said, some people do come to poly and/or open relationships through cheating. It is a very tough road but some do manage that transition. And some folks do the work to make their initial relationships stronger as they open up. But the broken relationship, add more model does seem fairly prevalent. I often wonder why.

You should always fix what's broken before attempting a quick fix.

(I'm an outdoor survivalist so bear with my metaphors.)
It's like a canoe that gets a crack. Do you throw a patch over it and work for days to smooth and sand, carefully making sure the seam is planed and patched countless times to ensure a positive fix? Or do you just add duct tape?

JaneQSmythe 02-28-2013 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 187392)
... Or do you just add duct tape?

OK, I had to laugh :D - while I do NOT advocate this approach for relationship woes, in general ... I am a "just add duct tape" kind of girl.

True story:
We had this beat up old van and the headlight fell out...we taped it back in place. Every 8-10 months the headlight would fall out again (you'd hear it banging against the fender, dangling by it's wires. We replaced the duct tape. (For 5-6 YEARS actually). Headlight works fine - no problems.

The time/effort/money to actually FIX the problem (the brackets were broken, the screws were stripped...blah,blah,blah) was so NOT worth it when 2 minutes of time and $0.02 worth of duct tape did a fine enough job.

So I gently say that I disagree with this statement (bold mine)
Quote:

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 187392)
You should always fix what's broken before attempting a quick fix.

Nope...sometimes, "good enough" is plenty. The trick is to prioritize and recognize when a problem is significant enough to actually invest the time and energy into actually fixing it. Otherwise you can spend a lot of time/effort/money in fussing over insignificant BS and never get to the really important stuff.

Your relationship - yup. Important.
My van headlight - nope. Not important.

Jane("Fan-of-Duct-Tape")Q

PS. The "coat-hanger-and-duct-tape" repair I did at 16 when I attempted to rip the fender off of my Dad's car lasted SEVEN YEARS! I think the adhesive must have melded with the fiberglass or some magic...


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