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-   -   Primary In Closed Triad Feeling Left Out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41437)

rox 02-25-2013 04:01 PM

Primary In Closed Triad Feeling Left Out

I'll try to explain this situation as best I can. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. I identify as bi, very strongly lean toward same sex, but love my husband. For the past 2 years I became very, very close to a friend of the same gender. She and I became incredibly close, talked multiple times a day about everything via text. Very much grew to love her, there was nothing physical about it. (or at least nothing acted on because I thought that wasn't a possibility, and it was a pure love in every sense of the word.)

Then we decided, with his permission, to date each other. In no time he was introduced into the picture, and we decided to try to be a three-way relationship. A closed triad.

That's when everything changed. He and she started their relationship, and very quickly the intensity grew to a level I couldn't have dreamed. I don't begrudge them that, but she and I no longer talk constantly. He and she do. When we're in the same room together the heat between them is unbelievable ... they spend minutes at a time practically devouring each other with their eyes. Then they'll remember I'm there and toss an "i love you" my way, or touch my arm. Talk about getting crumbs off their table ...

I do not want to be the jealous shrew. I want to chalk some of this up to NRE, but really, she and I are a new relationship too, at least physically. Emotionally, no. That's been awhile. But how much does that come into play?

I'm very rapidly becoming constantly miserable. She'll respond to one of my touches lightly but practically climb all over him when he comes into the room. In bed, it's all equal and she and I have amazing sex. But the intimacy during the day is so lacking. The closeness. I miss her.

Any advice?

GalaGirl 02-25-2013 04:20 PM

Could determine what you want from each (behavior) first. Then could print that out and give it to her/him. Then say something like...

  • I feel like this. (printed thing).
  • I would like more of this (behaviors.)
  • Could you each be willing to do that so I can feel less left out?

What ARE the behaviors you would want from each? More texting from her again? When you are in the room in trio, to behave in trio fashion when you share watching a movie or something? And not be doing bedroom eyes at each other? Cuz they could take that to the bedroom?

Could you list?


rox 02-25-2013 04:53 PM

Those are helpful suggestions, thanks! I really do want to concisely present to them what is troubling me, because I do want this to last. Just so hard feeling like the less-desired member of the triad.

GalaGirl 02-25-2013 05:04 PM

Well, it sounds like you have the need to be included.

And if it turns up when you talk to them that they point out to behaviors where you ARE being included but you perceive that you are not... Maybe it is the need to be reassured then.

Could sit with it a bit and see how it is you feel and what needs you want met are not being met.


rox 02-25-2013 05:10 PM

That makes tons of sense. There is a TON of NRE (I think that's what's going on) in the room whenever they're in it. I'm not sure they can do anything about that. I do feel so much lack of emotional intimacy lately, yet also a lack of sexual desire. Like I said before, when we're having sex there is no lack of desire or actions - it's amazing. But ... I'm not getting the bedroom eyes and the unbelievable, unable-to-be-controlled desire. Ugh. I'm confusing myself the more I talk.

GalaGirl 02-25-2013 05:17 PM

You sound clear to me. I perceive something like this...

I want emotional intimacy things. Things like:
  • spending time with me texting on the cel phone, emailing, phone talk, or face time talk. SOME kind of daily reconnection thing.
  • Spend time talking to me in deeper conversation than quick tossed "Love ya!" Maybe weekly?
  • spend time wooing me with words because I like hearing them.

I am ok for sex intimacy (of the body). The sex acts we share are yummy and good

I am not ok for sex intimacy (when sex is an expression of emotional intimacy)
because I am lacking in emotional intimacy things.

Is that the ball park? The outlines? If so, maybe you could take that and pend some time coloring it in with specific examples and behaviors you would like from your partners so you emotional intimacy needs could be met better.

The other thing you could do is spend time cultivating friendships. Because they will need their alone time. Just like you and him need alone time. You and her need alone time. So when it is their turn for alone time, could be prepared to give it and could be prepared to spend the time with yourself doing something else that you enjoy doing, alone or with other friends.


AnnabelMore 02-26-2013 12:22 AM

In a new, developing set of relationships, one is always going to be running more hot than another. No two human relationships are the same at any given time, so this is just a given. It sucks that you're having a hard time with the way things are right now, and I feel for you. But would it really be better if you and your gf were running hotter and your husband was feeling like the less-desired one, left wondering if maybe he was just included because it seemed like the right thing to do? Or if you and your husband were in the midst of a re-conflagration of passion, and your gf was left feeling like the uncertain, possibly unwanted new third wheel?

None of these options are good, obviously. Ideally, all of the relationships involved would be equally hot and revved up. I just see that as very unlikely at any given time. I do think you should let her know that you're feeling a little raw about how things have been lately -- maybe she and your husband can be more considerate and tone things down when you're there -- but I don't see that she can generate passion for you if she's feeling it more somewhere else right now... passion is a spontaneous sort of thing. What she could do, potentially, is devote more one on one time to you? But you can't expect her to act more passionate than she feels, or to feel differently than she feels, even if it's difficult for you.

It seems like a very good thing that the threesome sex is still passionate and that you and she still have a strong emotional connection. It just goes to show that nothing is fundamentally broken here, she and he are just going through NRE. Or, heck, maybe in the end she'll always have a more visceral physical connection with him than with you. You'll STILL be in a position that most people would deeply envy, with two people who love you and also love each other! Buck up and count your blessings. :)

Easy for me to say? Well, I speak from personal experience, being in a very similar situation in certain ways. It DOES hurt. But it WILL be ok.

AnnabelMore 02-26-2013 12:39 AM

Hmm, I reread the thread, and the emotional distance you're feeling from her wasn't quite addressed by my last post. That IS an issue. It may not be a fixable one... again, passion is passion, and that's just as true for emotional passion as anything else... but TIME together IS something you guys can work on, so perhaps there's an avenue forward there.

But, to make my point above again in a slightly different way, you may really have to ask yourself -- what if this is just how things are? What if the triangle of this love affair has a thick line drawn between me and my husband, and a thick line drawn between her and my husband, but a thinner line drawn between me and her... a line (the lines being metaphors for connection, obviously) that includes its own share of passion and affinity and friendship but not the same level of depth and intensity? Would that be enough?

Well... why wouldn't it be? WHY are you miserable, exactly? My guess is because of the mismatch between expectations and reality. You thought this was your love affair, and that your husband got to come along for the ride. But now maybe there's a different story being written, one that's more about him and her. Ouch. I so feel you, I do. BUT, if you had known that was the story from the beginning -- if you had thought that what was on offer was that you would get to come along for the ride of your husband's new love affair, and that in the bargain you'd get a bunch of hot threesomes and a solid friendship, would you be upset? Or, if that had always been the frame of reference, would it have seemed like a wonderful deal? If not, why not?

Ultimately, it comes down to this: if it were just you and her, and she was giving you the exact same amount of love and passion you're getting from her now, would it be enough? In other words, are your needs being met? If not, then there's a problem to be resolved. But if so, well, you can't demand more than you need on the basis that he's getting it so you should too. Love and passion and NRE just don't work that way. You can't say "come, love this man" and then say "no, you're loving him too much!!!" It's an unpredictable thing, human connection.

Sorry if I'm rambling, these themes have just been on my mind a LOT lately.

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