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-   -   Complicated intro of a Virginia man... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41357)

ShamusMcCoy 02-24-2013 08:05 PM

Complicated intro of a Virginia man...
Virginia man (Hampton Roads to be exact), currently living with my girlfriend of 6 years. I'm new to this site and just looking to make some new friends, talk about some experiences and maybe add more to become the family we both desire.

I'm simple by nature but complicated by circumstance. I'm obviously poly, pansexual in every sense of the word and don't have a preference to either gender (or those genderqueer folks), and on top of everything I am transgender, meaning I was born female and have transitioned to male. We also happened to be an interracial couple- I'm black/mixed and she is Latina/white.

I know this isn't the section for dating, and that's not why I'm posting this, but we are in a bit of a sticky situation. We would really like to find another for our relationship (or more than one) but would like to do so and avoid the term Unicorn Hunters. Everyone seems to pick on these couples because a lot of them seem to be the type where the male is straight and wants to add a bi female in the hopes of sexual interaction and threesomes. That isn't us, in fact, it is my girlfriend that is looking to add a female, not myself. I would be content with anyone if we clicked, even males.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can resolve this or how I can at least explain to her why searching for such a person might be a bad idea??

kdt26417 02-24-2013 09:04 PM

Hi ShamusMcCoy,
Welcome to our forum.

A "unicorn configuration" is actually not all that rare. Where the problem comes in is where the "original couple" takes precedent over the added lady, objectifies the added lady, insists she be exclusive to them, etc.

But not all "unicorn hunters" (I hate to use the word because it's pejorative) are like that, many are quite flexible, reasonable, and kind. So "the bad ones" give "the good ones" a bad reputation.

It's an unfortunate circumstance but there's not a lot you can do about it. It's no good changing your life/desires because of how other people act. It would be like me choosing not to be poly because some poly people act bad (and because so many mainstream people think poly is a horrible thing).

I think you should do what's in your heart, and try not to worry about it too much (or not let it become a priority) if people give you a bad time about it. It's up to each person to not make assumptions about you, but rather to ask you if they have concerns or whatever.

That's my opinion anyway. Just be as patient as you can in explaining your situation.

Kevin T.

NovemberRain 02-26-2013 08:15 AM

Hi Shamus,

This article might help explain it:

Malfunktions 02-26-2013 03:24 PM

It really is a helpful site.
Hi! You're only complicated cause you see it that way. I don't think your complicated at all. I, as well am, a bi-woman and my partner and I are also "seeking". It's hard to avoid the term I'm realizing so I'm not running from it. I'm just gonna go with that we're the "good hunters".

Hopefully you have good luck in you "hunt". ;) (joke)

Natja 02-26-2013 04:37 PM

I suppose Shamus that if you say to her 'You look for a bi woman if you want, I will look for who I want' than the stigma of UH is taken off of you, you need not look for a partner you both 'share'. If this is her desire, leave her to it and make it clear that you are happy to be friendly and respectful to anyone she meets but you don't want to feel obligated to partner up with them too.

Sorted! ;)

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