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-   -   Higher Expectations of Honesty? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4134)

jokutus 11-04-2010 01:50 PM

Higher Expectations of Honesty?
 
Hey poly peeps...

I have a dilemma that I know some of you have probably dealt with already. I am seeing someone casually that seems to be getting serious. We definetly have some chemistry and she doesn't have a problem with me being polyamorous.

Here is the catch, and maybe I am just over thinking it - but please tell me your thoughts...

So, she has a boyfriend who has no concept of our relationship. Basically, she is cheating. I don't know how serious they are - but its the fact that he doesn't have a clue that bothers me. I mean, their relationship could theoretically effect me - but then again, its her life and I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Thanks

:confused:

NeonKaos 11-04-2010 01:57 PM

"You must do what you feel is right, of course."

- Obi-Wan Kenobi

MyNameIsMaam 11-04-2010 01:57 PM

She's cheating.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I believe cheating comes with lying and deception - not the kind of traits I find in people with strong integrity and character, and certainly the kind of traits I try hard to avoid in any kind of relationship.

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2010 02:31 PM

If she's dishonest to him then she'll likely be dishonest with you. Sexually safe? Who knows? Basically how can you trust her?

Fidelia 11-05-2010 12:53 AM

You say she is cheating. Those who cheat with you will also cheat on you.

Also, the relationship you have now is not polyamorous, since poly is rooted in honesty, integrity, and respect for everyone involved. Neither she nor you are demonstrating much respect and concern for her OSO. At the moment you both are treating him like a mushroom, in that you are keeping him in the dark and feeding him a load of shit.

If you want to move your V forward into a state of integrity, insist on meeting him and putting it all out there. If she's okay with that, fine; you all move forward. If she refuses, there's your answer. If she says okay but the meet and greet never actually happens, beat feet, BrotherMan, just as fast as your feet will beat.

redpepper 11-05-2010 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 51429)
You say she is cheating. Those who cheat with you will also cheat on you.

Also, the relationship you have now is not polyamorous, since poly is rooted in honesty, integrity, and respect for everyone involved. Neither she nor you are demonstrating much respect and concern for her OSO. At the moment you both are treating him like a mushroom, in that you are keeping him in the dark and feeding him a load of shit.

If you want to move your V forward into a state of integrity, insist on meeting him and putting it all out there. If she's okay with that, fine; you all move forward. If she refuses, there's your answer. If she says okay but the meet and greet never actually happens, beat feet, BrotherMan, just as fast as your feet will beat.

Fidelia, I think I am in love with you.... HAHAHA!!! I love it!

In agreement with everyone really. She isn't the kind of character that I would bother with really. I'm sure she is lovely, but really, I don't have time for that kind of bullshit. I think if this were me I would tell her that you will wait for her while she sorts stuff out with her boyfriend and if after a certain time when things are cool resume what you have started, starting with talking with him and making sure he is cool with it. It would be really important to distance myself from her drama and go do something else. I wouldn't want that on my shoulders and wouldn't want to have to deal with the wake she has caused... again, life's too short.

I was this girl for a bit. I wish someone would of given me a swift kick in the ass and gave me the real goods on cheating, but no, no one did, and I fucked over lots of people and now am angry that I was walking around all thinking that I was getting away with it. I got away with nothing! It haunts me to this day that I was that girl and that others around me had no respect for me....

If I were you I would show her some respect and lay out how you feel. What do you have to lose, nothing, what does she have to gain? Someone being real with her. If you do that, there is still a chance to turn it around I think.

CielDuMatin 11-05-2010 03:59 PM

Yes, she has the right to live her life as she pleases.... and you have the right to choose whether or not you get involved with her.

If what she is doing doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right FOR you.

If her relationship with the other one isn't serious, then there would be no expectation of exclusivity, and therefore there would be no problem hanging out together. If it is serious, and she is truly poly, then there should be no problem hanging out together. Any other outcome would be a nice array of prettily-coloured flags for me, mostly in tones of red and yellow...

Fidelia 11-06-2010 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 51469)
Fidelia, I think I am in love with you.... HAHAHA!!! I love it!

Well, alrighty then!:cool: I was starting to think my crush was totally unrequited. ;)

jokutus 11-06-2010 10:28 AM

Yeah, I kinda figured as much. It will definitely make me feel better if everyone is honest. I think I just needed some confirmation of my position..

Thanks everyone... lets see how this goes.

jokutus 11-06-2010 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 51469)
I was this girl for a bit. I wish someone would of given me a swift kick in the ass and gave me the real goods on cheating, but no, no one did, and I fucked over lots of people and now am angry that I was walking around all thinking that I was getting away with it. I got away with nothing! It haunts me to this day that I was that girl and that others around me had no respect for me....

Good Point, this may be the kick in the ass she needs to realize that there is way too much bullshit that goes along with cheating. I am going to talk to her today about it..


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