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-   -   Your source of insecurity/jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4132)

Tonberry 11-04-2010 06:14 AM

Your source of insecurity/jealousy
There was a thread about "how do you deal with insecurity?".
I thought I would create a thread about the "opposite": what causes the insecurity for you?

What's the basis behind your rules? What's making you feel safe, and why? I'm interested in knowing what is a big deal for other people.

As for me, what's bad is being left out. I would be comfortable with a big number of things if I can feel part of it. What hurts me is being lied to, having things hidden from me, and rarely if ever the things that were hidden from me themselves.

For instance, when Ian liked J, I took part in the courting, and I was very happy about it all. Had he insisted on leaving me out of it, I would have felt terrible about it.
I want to be kept informed of what happens and get an input. Just being told things makes me feel respected even if I have no influence on them. But it's even better if I'm asked for my opinion and feelings, then I feel truly important to my partners.

Insecurity would be caused by the fact I don't know what is going on. I think it all has to do with control, I like being in control, being prepared, and if I don't know what is going on at all, I just freak out.

What about you? What's most important to you?

Breathesgirl 11-04-2010 09:27 AM

Someone who treats Breathes right...doesn't cause him any grief & whom I can actually get along with.

The insecurities, disappointment and anger start when I feel either one of us is being lied to or the person is being rude.

For some reason rudeness is a huge, HUGE trigger for me. It doesn't matter what other qualities a person has, if they are rude they set me off which causes no end of trouble.

Fayerweather 11-04-2010 10:47 AM

I think I'm on board with Tonberry. I don't like to feel left out or neglected. I like to be invited to get togethers, I like to be asked out on dates or told that I am important to my lovers.

Communication is also extremely important. When I don't text or talk to my partner's girlfriend for a while, I can start getting insecure, imagining that she's mad at me or is excluding me. My boyfriend at times has trouble telling me things he thinks I don't want to hear based on issues we had when we first opened our relationship, so sometimes he'll withhold information about a date or something he'd like to do with someone else out of fear of hurting me, which understandably hurts me way more than hearing it right up front

So yeah, being left out, feeling communication blocks or having information withheld from me or delayed in the telling can cause major insecurity issues with me.

ImaginaryIllusion 11-04-2010 01:51 PM


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 51343)

I thought I would create a thread about the "opposite": what causes the insecurity for you?

Grades 1 through 12.

MyNameIsMaam 11-04-2010 02:00 PM

Fayerweather hit the nail on the head for me. All I can say is "ditto".

But, ImaginaryIllusion's version was funny too - though for me it was grades 9-12 that were pretty yucky.

TruckerPete 11-04-2010 03:16 PM

Not knowing the other person.

If I can love or appreciate the things my partner loves, then life goes much more smoothly!

Ariakas 11-04-2010 05:43 PM

I don't usually feel insecurity about the people I love. But when I have they can be broken down into categories

uncontrolled aspects of poly
uncontrolled aspects of a relationship structure

In my cases, insecurity comes about because of things I don't really have a say in.

Example 1 - we were with a girl and I knew it couldn't last. My insecurity was rampant because at any point she could just cut us off.
Example 2 - I feel insecurities about my emotions. I am scared to give parts of me over to people. I am worried they will see the real me and potentially run. I can't even connect dots on this one because I have never had this happen, it is something maybe I was born with. There are many things I am very very open with, but there are bits of me that only a few people know.
Example 3 - I feel insecurity based on my partners relationships and not having any control. Not that I want control but when I see something as bad, or know it will end badly. I don't have a say per se, but I can lay the information I see on the table. Thats a good thing but not actually having a say is painful sometimes. Veto power is what this relates to for me, and it can be used irresponsibly and in a hurtful manner which is why we don't have that rule on the table (amongst many others)

Insecurity also rears its ugly head in reverse. In order to protect myself my communication hits the shitter and I don't give enough information to my partner to make a decision together. Thereby controlling the situation by ignorance. This is something I am currently working on. Probably relates to number 2.

In all cases, I don't have a lot of rules (I can't think of any I have right now actually, besides safe sex, which shouldn't even really be considered a rule). I try my hardest to be open and communicate the good and the bad. Hopefully that helps keep everyone respectful and thoughtful.

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2010 06:20 PM

My insecurity is in not trusting the intentions of other people but I am getting better at it I think.

NeonKaos 11-04-2010 06:45 PM


Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 51360)
Grades 1 through 12.

Gym class:

"Form two teams. Hurry up. We're about to play some game with some ball that you've heard of on TV and we'll assume everybody already knows the rules, strategies, and who the league MVP's are. What? You've never played this before and you don't watch it on TV? Your parents should be ashamed that they aren't teaching you the skills you will need in order to become a functional and productive member of society."

Thank gaud it's over.

Selene 11-04-2010 10:17 PM

the ties that bind...
For me, its the worry of being left out or being disliked. I have a bad habit of assuming the worst but I am trying to work on it. I also get worried that someone will be able to please Andulvar better than I can, due to certain physical limitations on my part.

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