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-   -   Not Sure...in Kitchener, Ontario! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4131)

stillshocked 11-04-2010 04:57 AM

Not Sure...in Kitchener, Ontario!
Hi everybody!

We're new here, having just stumbled onto this site earlier today, and have checked out some of the very interesting threads...;)

We are a couple from Kitchener, Ontario that has, as of recent, "come out" to each other in the sense that we want to open up our relationship in some way... To us, this seems pretty groundbreaking... and then we read 20 or 30 threads and we seem a million times less groundbreaking than before!

We shall cut to the chase...here in Kitchener, it seems pretty challenging to meet anyone that's into what we're looking for. What are we looking for? We're not *exactly* sure. That's part of the conundrum. We're been together for 10 years, and 7 months ago we agreed that we want another female to join our relationship in some way. We're not sure if it should be long term, short term...basically, we keep saying that we're not sure if we want to "bring her home for Christmas to meet grandma", if that makes any sense. At the same time, we've been going out, meeting new people, going on dating sites (that don't really support polyamorous dating/relationships, only polyamorous sex hook ups)...and generally getting acquainted with ourselves in new ways. Basically, we're exploring, but nothing has "happened" with anyone yet. From reading over some of the threads, it seems that people are meeting like-minded people fairly easily, whereas we only meet hetero or homo females. We haven't met anyone that seems to want both for more than just sex, and even then, those girls are only to be found online (and possibly aren't who they say they are).

Also, we guess we should say that we don't want to dip into our circle of friends for either advice or experiences, as convenient as that might be in some cases. Actually, in efforts to get to know new people, we've made some new friends that end up having no clue what we're looking for and are strictly friends (we're probably too shy to try to push beyond new friendships we're establishing, even if we happen to have a crush on them)...

Sooooo.... the basic question is, how do we, living in Kitchener (no, we can't move), meet like-minded people? Its hard enough that we've come to this realization and can't tell any of our "normal" friends or family... We've gotten to know some kinky people who seem to have picked up on our vibes and have extended a hand as far as inviting us into their kinky sex community (orgies, whips, chains, goth attire), but the thing is we're not really into that.

After reading a lot of the posts, we get a sense that we might be labelled as perhaps not-polyamourous, or perhaps "unicorn"-hunters...Label us as you see fit...we're still trying to define ourselves. Any advice/help/whatever would be much appreciated,


Breathesgirl 11-04-2010 09:33 AM

Label, schmabel!

Hello & welcome!

I was beginning to think Kitchener was a hotbed of the hidden poly & kink family! lol

I'm in Kitchener as well!

I have to get ready for work now but if you wish, friend me & I'll get back to you on it tonight or tomorrow. (This is the ONLY day this week I get to spend some time with my primary so I most likely won't be online).

Let me just quickly point you to the OKC thread on here--I think my profile link is there. If not look up Breathes_girl or Breathesgirl. Polymatchmaker.com I'm Breathes_girl. They both have more info than on here or you can check out my blog on here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=2142&page=2 .

stillshocked 11-05-2010 02:20 AM

Thank you! Looking forward to hearing from you again!

redpepper 11-05-2010 05:29 AM


Originally Posted by stillshocked (Post 51335)
At the same time, we've been going out, meeting new people, going on dating sites (that don't really support polyamorous dating/relationships, only polyamorous sex hook ups).

Just so you know those sites for poly sex hook ups are not really poly by the traditional definition, or dare I say by anyone who identifies as poly's definition... they are cheating sites that use the word to lure you in. It's a bunch of bull shit if you ask me as poly is mostly about finding love and connection with others with the addition of sex added to the mix more times than not.

Anyway, good luck with your unicorn hunting... you may be in for that long haul. If you have read anything about it on here there are a few things to keep in mind... make sure that you realize what you are looking for is not someone that will mould to your coupledom but someone that has a life with goals, baggage, a personality and a bunch of stuff going on that will entirely change your lives. You will have not just your relationship, but yours with her, you and her, your partners with her and you and your partners... that is four relationships to conduct and balance. It's a lot of work and quite often it all leads to the unicorn falling harder (usually the guy) for one partner over the other and the balance gets tipped and emotions run high....

Just a thought, why not discuss opening your relationship to others and just see what happens. The likelihood of your finding someone that you are both interested in is also low, but you could find interesting people just for yourselves and in addition start some amazing friendships (for want of a better word) with metamours that are deeper than you could imagine. just a thought. :)

Glad you met Breathesgirl... she is an excellent resource. It just takes meeting one person to meet lots more...

Breathesgirl 11-05-2010 09:20 AM

Very true RP :). I do try.

My resources right now are pretty slim. I help moderate (help being just a descriptor) the local poly list but it's pretty much defunct as the owner (my Possibility btw) has too much on his plate right now & I'm a better follower than leader.

That being said: I'm open for coffee some time if you like stillshocked. I work 7-3 & depend on GRT to get where I want to go so timing will have to be after 3:30 (unless you want to meet at Conestoga Mall) except for Wednesdays. Meeting on the weekends can get tricky but it can be done :D.

Friendship request accepted this morning :).

stillshocked 11-05-2010 05:52 PM

Hey RP...Thanks so much for your input! We realize our situation might be a bit tricky... We've considered opening our relationship up, but then we decided we'd rather share our experiences with someone who we are both invested in, and someone we can share something meaningful with (which sounds like polyamory to us, from what we know of it). Of course, this probably is the tougher way to go than approaching it as individuals looking for relationships separately. We've already received invites to "play" with others separately, but we've been declining them as that's not what we're after. We agree with you about those sites...mostly BS, but its all we knew of until we stumbled across this one, which has been very eye-opening and positive. The reason
we thought, at first, finding a relationship with less strings would be better is that we *thought* we wouldn't have to be as concerned with the usual heartbreak that goes along with really falling for people, or having them fall for us. From the looks of it, though, it happens regardless. Besides, we are more the sensitive types than the insensitive types we thought we might have to adapt into being for the purpose of what we thought we were seeking. (Whoa, confusing!)

The more we think about it, the more sense this lifestyle seems to make, but that still doesn't really help our situation much as we're ruling out close friends and even acquaintances as we don't want to ..umm.. start dating our friends (call us crazy). We can see how it would be relieving for them to be aware of it, at least..but since we have yet to experience anything, there seems no pressing need to tell anything.

The cool thing about opening our minds up like this is we have met some new and interesting people, at least, which is exciting. Overall, we're not too dream-y about this situation (we think we're pretty level-headed), we realize what could happen, which is why we're being cautious. We also know this could break us up, and if so, we're both fine with that - then that's what's meant to be. It does seem worth the risk, rather than wondering your whole life what might have happened if...

-Drea and David

redpepper 11-05-2010 07:34 PM

well stillshocked, all I suggest is at least to be open to possibility that's all. Even about your friends... doesn't sound crazy to me, after all friendships turn into romances in mono relationships.

Sounds like you all could have your first poly meet up there in the mall! Start something, there is bound to be others... list serve? Start a monthly meeting to just have coffee and discuss what ever people want to discuss... that is what we started with and we are a strong community now. That is how to find like minded people and possible partners I think.

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