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-   -   Shh...we're huntin wabbits..er, unicorns (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4125)

DaylightStirring 11-03-2010 04:38 PM

Shh...we're huntin wabbits..er, unicorns
Arghhh....I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide in bed all day. I hate school! I'm not going again today and no body can make me!

It's been three months now since my husband left to go work in another state. We are not a polyamorous couple, yet. But his absence is driving me insane and even though poly seemed like something I'd naturally fall into later on in our marriage...consciously and subconsciously I've decided I want it now! I'm still in the middle of NRE with my husband, I think I'll call him Julio :). We've been married for just barely two years, and its been an exciting and wonderful two years. I feel like I'm still just getting to know him and building communication and intimacy. So I am a little perplexed at why on earth I'm in such a hurry to complicate things with a third. Well, I'm not really perplexed, the situation is self-explanatory. He's gone for months at a time and we have no standing arrangement for experiences with others. Isn't this the kinda thing that gets soo many people in trouble with cheating?

Anyway, I can't wait for him to come home! It could be any day now and I'm just on the edge of my seat with anticipation!

DaylightStirring 11-03-2010 06:00 PM

He called this morning and we got to cyber chat, sometimes you just need a little love in the morning to get the day started! I have a feeling we are going to reach a new level of intimacy when he gets home. Opening up about polyamory has improved communication in the bedroom already.

And the great news is he got laid off this morning! My day couldn't be better! Oh so excited to see him again! He has to travel still but he could be here as early as tomorrow morning.

It will be interesting to see how having him back will affect my obsession with finding a unicorn. In the past when we've had the threesome talk, I've had a tendency to completely dropped the whole notion in less then a week from disinterest. Which to me is an obvious sign that I wasn't ready yet.

DaylightStirring 11-03-2010 10:24 PM

In all this obsessing about finding a unicorn I've created a couple of online accounts, and *sheepishly* even tried craigslist. For the most part its seemed pretty worthless. Although I have made contact with a polyamorous couple that is here locally. We are discussing plans to meet for drinks this weekend. With Julio not being completely into poly, I'm not sure how that will pan out. In emails the g/f says any arrangement is comfortable for her, we'll see.

I've also encouraged Julio to work his angle, the last couple of days he's tried flirting more when he's out at the bar. But he's been getting a little discouraged, it's not as easy as he remembers it once being. He also initiated contact with an acquaintance of mine who is up for poly. We may get together with her Saturday night for some drinks as well.

DaylightStirring 11-04-2010 06:40 AM

*a little rambling with my thoughts*

So I was graciously pointed in the direction of Xeromag.com tonight, and what I found was a huge wealth of information! As I was reading through some introductory thoughts on polyamory, it dawned on me that so much of this has to do with personally and socially constructed beliefs. And I wanted to ramble on this for a little while. In my self-help junkie library I've recently added a new titled called "I am" and in it the author specifically singles out this patterned behavior of 'beliefs' that we create around us and limit our lives to.

He offers the example of a battered wife, who has a belief that leaving the relationship will leave her lonely, hurt and afraid. And by living with that belief she actually creates a situation in which she is lonely, hurt and afraid. Basically he goes on to establish that we have all of these beliefs that we have created on our own or through assimilation and thus allow these beliefs to control our lives.

Personally, I love to challenge beliefs, but now, Julio does not. He was raised in the South and his father is a preacher. Almost immediately I came across this challenge. One situation I remember, I had invited him to a party some of my burner friends were throwing. At these parties I had a tendency to disrobe. I tried to be polite and warn him before this happened, and it scared him. I was respectful and refrained from ditching my clothes and we talked for a while about it. His beliefs came up, one being that the body is sacred and the second being that girls that disrobed at a party in the south were looking for trouble. I candidly expressed to him that he may not be with the right girl, and politely excused my self from the conversation. Stripped down to my itty bitty panties and did a full pole dance routine on the spinning stripper pole at the party(I used to teach pole dance fitness and I was often invited to perform there) You see I was a stripper when we met, I am currently employed as a stripper and most likely will remain a stripper for some amount of time. So asking me to keep my clothes on is a little silly. Later on we talked about the situation and he admitted that the atmosphere was so different then he had expected. The whole experience was artistic and he said he even thought there was respect for me in the room.

Which leads me back to my point, I want to be loving and respectful of these deep rooted beliefs that my husband has. But at the same time I want to challenge him to open his eyes and heart to a world of possibilities out there. I just wonder if some of these beliefs are movable?

To be clear the quote that got me thinking was

If your lover goes out to a restaurant, do you think "My God, what if the restaurant food is better than mine?" Do you agonize over whether your cooking may seem substandard by comparison? http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

DaylightStirring 11-17-2010 02:43 AM

Arg...I just want to rant on and on. Must be my hormones again.

Sometimes it just helps getting stuff out. I don't blog and my dh hates the 'I want to talk about my feelings' convo's. Sometimes I think I want poly so bad because I miss emotionally unloading on a close lover/friend.

Well our first weekend hunting was prosperous, Julio had dropped a hint to a girlfriend of mine that he'd (and I quote) 'rather have her to himself Saturday night...wink' as a clear signal to invite her home with us. It back fired, I don't know how. She almost didn't show up to the bar on Saturday, and then when she did she had two strangers in tow, one she immediately announced, she had just had sex with. Julio and I completely ruled out any fun with her after that comment. But then she started working her own angle. She asked me if we were gonna party at our house, I answered with, 'you and your guy friend are invited' and she said, 'Oh, him, he's leaving' like she wanted to get rid of him and come home with us. The rest of the night she dropped sexual suggestion and kept on about leaving with us. My best friend, Ellen (lesbian) pulled me aside and said the girl had called her earlier in the week and freaked out about Julio's comment, she made Ellen promise to be there the whole night. By the time we got back to our house this girl had managed to bring a whole slew of people back with her. It was weird. I told Julio, that I thought she was acting really unstable and sending too many mixed signals. I said no matter what I don't want to consider opening our relationship up to her any longer.

But while this was all going on, Julio managed to connect with another girlfriend of mine who was out that night with us, I'll call her Haylee. She is absolutely gorgeous, in her mid thirties and really level headed. He just put it out on the table that he and I were interested in taking her home and she jumped all over the idea. When the conversation was over (they talked privately about it for a good half hour) she said, "So should I be waiting for a phone call to set this up" he said we don't know exactly and just let it happen naturally, so she said she would pull me aside and talk to me about it the next time her and I were together. I'll keep you up dated on how things progress....

In other news, I'm still in contact with a local poly couple we met online, but the more we talk the more I realize scheduling will be the biggest obstacle. Right now I think Julio and I are just going to focus on getting our feet wet. There is a whole big poly world out there and I think it might be too overwhelming to jump in head first. After we have our first threesome, I'd like to just step back and have a good idea of how we feel before going further. I'm in no rush here, a unicorn is a big personal and emotional investment!

whew...I'm starting to feel better already, school has me so stressed right now. Taking a break and updating this post is helping me calm down. Thanks for listening.

DaylightStirring 11-21-2010 10:26 PM

Well I'm happy to report that we definitely have a unicorn in the cross hairs. Haylee is almost more excited about us than we are about her. In conversations between her and I, as well as Julio and her, she has clearly outlined what she wants and needs out of a relationship and it lines up with everything Julio and I had discussed before talking to her.

I'm just pleasantly surprised! Her long term hopes and dreams are exactly the same crazy ones Julio and I have. Everything is set up to work out like a real life fantasy. Now if we can only settle into our places and not mess this up!

We got together last night for drinks, and she played us like little school kids and she was our first crush. It was incredible. She immediately struck up a deep emotional conversation with me about her day and then asked politely if she has my permission to kiss Julio before the night is over. I absolutely agreed. The way the night worked out, I didn't get to spend more then a few minutes with her and Julio the whole night. And they hit it off, dancing around the bar together (even though there is no dance floor) and even completely disappearing together at times. And it never mattered that I wasn't a part of what they were doing. I just enjoyed watching. Then towards the end of the night she pulled me aside privately and started kissing me. The only way the night could have gone better is if she hadn't left us to go home. (she had to get home to her son, we all agreed that making time for each other is going to be the biggest challenge right now)

Julio and I had a great time when we got home, telling each other about the night and the dreaming about the future. :)

DaylightStirring 11-22-2010 03:21 AM

I'm beginning to remember now why I disliked dating so much...The past couple of weeks we have only spoken to Haylee in person at the bar. I haven't asked for any personal contact information. But I realized that I have her number in my phone for other reasons. So this morning I shot her a quick text and said we had a great time with her last night. Then a couple hours later, her and I had to go to a meeting at work. I only got a couple of hours of sleep ;) and was super tired at the meeting. She walked up and asked what I was doing, I told her I was hiding, and she inquired about the papers in front of me, 'Calculus homework' I said. She looked a little intimidated and walked away. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek after the meeting was over, as well as my other gf who was talking to her and then I just left. I wasn't in the mood for any kinda socializing. And I don't want to broadcast to the world that her and I are getting close. Then I sent another quick text asking her a random question. I haven't received a reply to either.

Of course, I'm bugged? Am I supposed to wait three days to call and talk? Up until now I haven't put any effort into developing a relationship, and the first contact I make is ignored. It could be as simple as she is working or too tired. But starting a new relationship is confusing to me? puh.

****edit****update: As soon as I post this, she responded to my question, a half a day later? Ha ha.

DaylightStirring 12-03-2010 07:11 AM

I've come to realize that I'm not much good at updating when things are rockin'. Things have gone awesome so far. In a quick update, we hit the in-laws for the holidays and bumped into an old friend who was up for the unicorn invite, only thing is she's lookin more like a cowgirl from a distance. We didn't seal the deal because of family obligations and I'm kinda glad. Next time we're in that state I'll approach with more caution. Julio and I talked about her when we got home and he said she pulled him aside and spilled her guts about how he's always been "The One." She really appeals to both of us and it was flattering to have some attention. But...

In other news, the story with Haylee hasn't progressed much, I've learned real fast not to expect any kind of response. She will only return text between the hours of 8:30pm-10pm so any text before that time automatically goes unanswered. Trying to date a beautiful girl is very intimidating! I'm constantly asking myself, "what do I say, how do I act?" Sometimes I even feel like I should have the inside scoop on this, being a girl and all. But it doesn't really help. The only thing I could come up with was to back off. And that's scary because she just might loose interest...right? I did get a random text one night that basically said, "Having so much fun at karaoke tonight, wish you were here with me." It was completely out of no where and nice to get the reassurance that we're in her thoughts. I've sent a couple of text like that back randomly, "thinking about you makes me smile" and stuff. She said she appreciated it. It's clear that the biggest hurdle right now is initiating an actual meet up. And in another text I made a straight forward comment that I hope the actual experience will compare to what I've dreamt up. She immediately shot back a text saying she is concerned about that too. Oh well, at least I know we are still on the same page.
For now I think the three of us have silently agreed to let it rest for a bit. Even though we work together it could be two weeks before I bump into her again...

like I said at the start of this post, I can't update as well when things are rockin'. I feel completely consumed by doubt and fear right now...nothing at all to do with love. I just found out that I scored 55% on my calc test I was so diligently studying for. It's killing me! I can't even begin to describe the ways that it's messing with my head. Something along the lines of three, long hard years, invested into my education and if I don't pull a B out of this class my whole goal/direction is slipping away. I hate math! I can't sleep, I can't relax, I'm so overwhelmed by the idea...

DaylightStirring 12-05-2010 08:29 AM

I have always been pretty good at reaching out and embracing life's little twists and turns. Change is a creative energy that I thrive on. I am deep in the middle of a huge personal change, it is expressed in some way toward engaging in a more open and loving life style (poly.) But there is a pain accompanying this change and it has been felt the most in school and societal boundaries.

Lets for the sake of keeping this post short just say that I am experiencing some major growing pains right now. Day in and day out I have felt expanded through this growth in a positive way. And Dually I have been more and more reliant on consumption of drugs and alcohol to comfort this change. However, I have come to a question that I can't find the right answer to.

Is too much school HOLDING ME back from being the person that I want and desire to be?


Is too much school FORCING ME to let go and become the person that I want and desire to be?

I've always found the most difficult and painful times come when you hold on to a 'perceived' comfort and deny the truth. I don't deny that things are changing, but there is this fear that I may wake up one day in corporate America and say, 'How the F*** did I get here?' or I may wake up one day on a couch and say 'How did I screw up so bad when I was so close?'

DaylightStirring 12-05-2010 09:44 AM

There are 6 and a half billion people in the world and you expect me to only love you? No wonder there is so much violence and pain. Well go get a cage and lock me up and when you do I will make sure your life is miserable too!

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