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-   -   "GOOD" relationships. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4124)

redpepper 11-03-2010 02:08 AM

"GOOD" relationships.
 
What constitutes a good relationship? I mean, is it how long the relationship lasts? How it ends? What one learns?

I began thinking on this when someone in my community pointed out that just because my long term goal was to create a large poly family that I would have for ever and ever in some kind of poly-fi way, did not mean that that was everyones idea of success and goals met. Others might just want a lovely, night of closeness and connection in a moment of passion or a month of that. Some might think that they were successful in just learning about themselves and their partners and then going back to a mono dynamic...

what do you think is poly success and what is poly failure in your relationships? Why does it matter if we succeed or fail, isn't it all success if we chose to find the positive in the situation and outcome?

DaylightStirring 11-03-2010 04:54 AM

When I lived on the road, traveling from state to state. I met a girl in Mobile, Alabama we worked together at a club and she was new like I was. None of the other girls treated her fairly and she reached out to me for kindness and support. I took her under my wing and spent some time teaching and sharing with her. But then one day it came time for me to leave, and she said, "Will I ever see you again?" and I said, "No."

We can't take them with us when we go. What means the most to me in a relationship is the depth of the connections, memories created and the love that was shared. The truth is that when I met her, she seemed too awkward, homely and sometimes just plain obnoxious for my liking. It was only when I opened up to sharing with her that I found a deep inner beauty that I had not seen before. She was actually fluent in two languages, intelligent and refined. I realized before I met her that I would be leaving soon, so I could have chose not to become her friend. But what surprised me the most was that I wasn't scared of losing this new friendship when it was time to move on.

I think this reflects a good relationship, because I allowed her to be who she was outside of my own prejudice, I willingly gave to her and she gave back, and I didn't try to keep her.

Now if I could only figure out how to apply that to more of my relationships...

CielDuMatin 11-03-2010 01:07 PM

For me a "good" relationship is one where I feel that I can be myself and not have to hide. I love the feeling of "meshing" with someone's where I feel that I am an important part in their life (and they in mine). I love feeling like I can trust and be trusted.

I am far from an NRE addict - while I enjoy it, I like it just as much once the initial fumbling and exploring settles into really getting down to enjoying the other. I want to feel intensity - it should be exciting - whether after a month, a year, or ten years.

And I think I consider a relationship good when it meshes with my other relationships, whether significant others or friends.

redpepper 11-03-2010 03:44 PM

@Ceil- what about time? How long it lasts and how often you see them?

SourGirl 11-03-2010 04:07 PM

For my way of thinking, it would be a drawback to base success on physical milestones.

Comparable to those that feel like their relationship isn`t 'real' or successful, unless they have a wedding ring on their finger......Or that the relationship is successful, once they buy a house, or live together, etc.

Some people like the "proof" of all they feel .
Others find convictions in WHAT they feel.

While I understand other peoples needs for tangibles, for me, it has not worked. Therefore I appreciate when people recognize, that there are various ways to love and love successfully.

For Me : Love is successful when we learn, feel empowered, feel enriched by the experience. No matter how long that person is in our life. Did that person help me become a better person ? Did I help them in all the same areas ?...If the answer is yes, Then I feel 'GOOD'.

What`s that saying about people coming into your life for a 'reason, or a season' ?.....I guess that sums me up pretty good.

Derbylicious 11-03-2010 05:19 PM

A good relationship is one that makes me a better me and makes the other person a better them. I think that it has to have some element of sustainability as well. It can still be a good relationship if the needs of the people involved change from romantic to friendship. Just because the definition of what the relationship is changes doesn't mean that it failed or wasn't a good romantic relationship.

Tonberry 11-03-2010 06:18 PM

I think in a general sense, a good relationship is a relationship where you can flourish and grow, and that brings you happiness and not pain. If a relationship ends, for it to be good I would say it should be a mutual decision and the people shouldn't hold grudges against one another, even if they never see each other again they should stay on a positive note and memory of one another.

For me personally, I prefer long-term, however if a relationship needs to end for whatever reason, I wouldn't consider it a failure if it ends positively and on good terms.
I haven't had many relationships: I've had casual sex, one friend with benefits, my husband and my boyfriend. The last two are ongoing. So I don't have the experience to talk about relationships that have ended, really, because I pretty much don't have them.

I definitely think a relationship can be still going on and be a bad one, while stopping it "in time" could allow it to stay a good one. So time isn't the only or main factor to me.

I think... Think of it as jobs. You can have a short internship that brings you a lot, personally and professionally. Or a long-term contract that leaves you stagnant and unfulfilled. I think the same kind of things is possible with relationships.

LovingRadiance 11-04-2010 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 51263)
For me a "good" relationship is one where I feel that I can be myself and not have to hide. I love the feeling of "meshing" with someone's where I feel that I am an important part in their life (and they in mine). I love feeling like I can trust and be trusted.

I am far from an NRE addict - while I enjoy it, I like it just as much once the initial fumbling and exploring settles into really getting down to enjoying the other. I want to feel intensity - it should be exciting - whether after a month, a year, or ten years.

And I think I consider a relationship good when it meshes with my other relationships, whether significant others or friends.

Definitely this.
I don't care as much about NRE. I want that comfortable "hominess" that comes from knowing you are accepted completely MUCH more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 51269)
Some people like the "proof" of all they feel .
Others find convictions in WHAT they feel.

For Me : Love is successful when we learn, feel empowered, feel enriched by the experience. No matter how long that person is in our life. Did that person help me become a better person ? Did I help them in all the same areas ?...If the answer is yes, Then I feel 'GOOD'.

What`s that saying about people coming into your life for a 'reason, or a season' ?.....I guess that sums me up pretty good.

This too. I don't need material objects. I much prefer to have the meaningful knowledge that the feeling is mutual.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 51276)
A good relationship is one that makes me a better me and makes the other person a better them. I think that it has to have some element of sustainability as well. It can still be a good relationship if the needs of the people involved change from romantic to friendship. Just because the definition of what the relationship is changes doesn't mean that it failed or wasn't a good romantic relationship.

DEFINITELY this. :)

All WONDEFUL answers.

I aim towards sustainability and long-term relationships. With a great deal of success actually.
But one of the keys is that I don't aim for any of my relationships to meet a specified dynamic criteria.
Such as "this is my boyfriend"-maybe for a time, maybe forever, maybe never. Whatever.

GG is my friend. He is also NOW my boyfriend. He may at some point not be my boyfriend anymore. But he will ALWAYS be my friend.

Once a friend always a friend. How much further intimate we get can ebb and flow-but once a friend, always a friend is pretty much how my life works out...

CielDuMatin 11-04-2010 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 51267)
@Ceil- what about time? How long it lasts and how often you see them?

How long? As long as possible, please. I tend to be in it for the long haul, but if it's not to be, then I still can see a relationship as "GOOD" if it ends relatively quickly.

How often I see them - I am much more into being a part of their lives and they in mine, so I want almost daily contact on the phone or similar.

I had a relationship where I saw my SO once a month for a whole weekend, and that was too long an interval between for me. My current relationship we see each other for a "date" once a week, sometimes more often, and that works well for me.

So minimum of "how often" would be somewhere between the two, I would guess...

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2010 06:25 PM

A good relationship for me is the kind that lets you go to sleep peaceful and wake up peaceful.

For me - It is based on being honestly and naturally healthy with the people/person you love. It does not require medication.


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