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-   -   I think we're in the right place? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4123)

ourlttlsecret 11-02-2010 11:36 PM

I think we're in the right place?
Hello, we are new to the site and to polyamory. We posted here as an introduction but are seeking advice from people with a more experience than we do (which is to say we virtually have none). We are trying to avoid having to make two long posts in two different forums. So here we go...

We are a happily married couple of 14 years. We are emotionally secure, financially stable and most importantly healthy! Earlier in our marriage, we experimented with including another person (Bi-F) in our bedroom. At first there was obvious apprehension on both sides but soon realized that we enjoyed it and it did not complicate our relationship in any facet. At this time, we were only interested in a physical relationship and that is what we used it for. It was a spark in our sex lives that is sometimes needed. Well, that being said we had about 3 or 4 different partners in a short amount of time and then all of the sudden, we abruptly stopped! We've never pursued this type of activity again, although we still speak of it from time to time.

Here is where the advice will hopefully help us figure out if we are in the right place or not. As stated before we work a lot of hours seperate from eachother and still have a child in the home. Although one of us is always home while the other is away there is that sort of emptyness from only one of us being around. We think we are ready to accept someone into our relationship now and help fill in some of that space and time. Don't get us wrong, we do see eachother and have time on weekends but we are grounded enough to know that having someone else in our lives would not only be a refreshing development but good for each of us individually AND as a couple. Is this asking a lot of someone else to become involved with us? Is this the right place to seek these answers? We know every situation has different dynamics but we felt that we fell under the polyamorous definition. If so, where in the world do we start? When we were younger, meeting sexually adventurous women wasn't so difficult, but now that we are each 40 and are looking for an actual long term relationship; this almost seems impossible! My wife had a few of her friends over this weekend for "girls poker" and the subject came up because of a recent reality show on TV. Out of the 8 women in the house, only one other woman wasn't completely turned off by the thought of having these types of open relationships. How has the subject affected your lives if this is viewed as being so taboo?

I am sorry this was so long winded but we are pretty sure this is what we want but I guess are looking for some validation from people with some of the same wants/needs in their life. All information is greatly appreciated and thanked in advance! Thank you and we look forward to being apart of your forum.


Athena 11-03-2010 12:00 AM

I really don't know what to tell you. I know couples I wouldn't mind being married to along with my husband (and my husband wouldn't marry them, but wouldn't mind swinging with them) - and we simply know better than to ever bring it up because we are that sure of how conventional they are. Right now, I am pretty happy as is, and even if my husband ends up swinging a bit on his own, I don't feel a burning need for another relationship. Wouldn't toss one away if it developed though, either.
Probably you need a local outlet at which to meet other poly minded people, which can be not the easiest with a kidlet or more at home.

redpepper 11-03-2010 02:00 AM

I would suggest you have a good look around here and do some searches for what might interest you. There are some great stickies for you to search in and doing a tag search will yield relevant threads.

I would suggest going on line to dating sites and see who you can find. There are some that seem to work better than others, such as OKcupid, depending on where you are... others could say more about that than me... also see if you can find a local poly group. You might find some info on the dating sites.

I am assuming you are looking for a "unicorn," a single bi-female otherwise unattached and willing to attach to you and your partner. Is this the case? If so there are definitely tagged threads on such a woman....

It sounds like your friends are interested. Anyone willing and interesting there? Be warned though, "open" is not the same as poly... did you talk about the difference? or was the conversation about just simply having un-attached sex with others?

ourlttlsecret 11-03-2010 08:50 PM

First of all, thank you for replying to our first post here! I am sure that our situation is a common feature on this site...

Your assumptions are correct, we are looking for a "unincorn". We will definately spend a little more time searching for the threads labled as such. We have only used the internet to try and locate local "outlets" but have been unsuccesful. As far as the conversation that took place, it was about a polygamist TV show (completely different from what we are looking for). The women discussed the topic and were turned off by the thought of sharing their partner with other women. That was actually the biggest con in the discussion. Personally it sounded more about their own insecurity? I wonder how many were ACTUALLY intrigued but did not want to be frowned upon by the group? Either way, this is not a pool of women that could/would be considered; even the one that was curious. It's hard to find a dating site that specified the criteria from which we are coming and what we are trying to accomplish. We have quite a challenge in front of us. I hope all the time we spend is worth what we are looking for?

I believe I used the term "open" incorrectly but as we are new, we are trying to keep up with the vernacular without embarassing ourselves too much!

Thanks again for your time.

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